First of all, my apologies for posting anonymously – repeatedly. I don’t have another outlet except this. I’ve chosen to take this on alone.
When does a person gracefully accept the inevitable? When does a person stand and fight?
I hate being sick every goddamn day.
I know I should fight, I want to kick it in the ass but I don’t know that I can. Not if this is what it takes.
This sounds like a self-pity party of one. I know it. I just want to say “fuck you cancer”. I will hate you until I give in, and then some. —MC&F
This article appears in Oct 17-23, 2013.
“Everyone is born with a death sentence” – Heisenberg
It’s not a self-pity party, at all. You are dealing with The Black Death of post-industrial revolution society. So please, continue posting here, anonymously, frequently if it gives you comfort to do so. American P.O.W.s in Hanoi had a philosophy called “Resist, With Honor”. It meant to stand up to their captor’s attempts to humiliate them, to degrade them and to force them to violate the Code of Conduct – up to the point of suffering death or permanent injury. They gave themselves permission to submit because they knew how damaging it was to an officer’s morale and sense of self-worth to break. So fight, stand up, resist the beast. But if the time comes, remember this. Those who love you most would not want you holding on one moment longer than necessary. I’m sorry if I’m not expressing myself well. I am still trying to process my own knowledge of this thing, and basing my perceptions on the incredibly heroic experiences of those who saw an amazingly wonderful person through this trial. My own turn, will no doubt come, eventually. Stay strong.
How long is necessary to hold onto life? There’s no need to stay alive just to mark time
There’s nothing wrong with death, and nothing about it to fear. If anything you’re one step closer to realizing the great mystery of life
Live, and enjoy life, but don’t spend your last days engaged in battle and strife
Die in a state of love and contentment, not of fear and regret – It’s just foolish to fret over the inevitable
Remember op, from a medical perspective, it’s normal to feel tired and it’s normal to feel dejected, scared and all other quantities of terrible things.
When you feel tired, don’t make yourself live up to any expectations. Either ones you put on yourself or ones other people put on you.
I hope you feel better. Again, do what YOU want and need to do and don’t worry about what other people expect. That’s not your main concern right now. Those same people want you alive and well before they want their lawn mowed or their taxes filed or whatever it is people expect from you. Even if they expect you to get out of bed… that’s their problem. Not your problem.
Get well soon, ok?
hey mc&f, just checking in with you today. how are you doing today?
Hello MC&F,
Been there, done that, survived … and now, years later, I have cancer again.
There’s no battle to be won, really .. we all die. Marijuana may help with the symptoms, to some degree. I know what you mean when you say, “I hate being sick every goddamn day. “. It can be so damn depressing.
I recommend simple breathing meditation, as taught by the buddha .. look it up online. It won’t cure your cancer, but it will help you cope, if you stick with it.
And, yeah .. I’m damned tired too. But I get my ass up everyday, and get out and about .. somehow that helps a bit, I meet people and talk with them .. it’s not all about me then, if you can see what i am saying?
Well said Buddha and quite right. This is also my second go round with Cancer. Perhaps these moments of weakness are part of the grieving process. Most days I am happy… most days.
I have to be thankful for the time I’ve been given, the people in my life and my blessings. Focusing on the shit seems counter-productive.
Thank you all for kind words, stark realistic words and even hard commentary. It’s what makes life interesting.
PS. GDM. Thanks for checking in. I’m taking it as it comes. There’s chocolate so it can’t be that bad!
chocolate can be very bad if you just ate 50 mini chocolate bars like I just did. now I have to go out and restock the hallowe’en bowl.
If you like to read Ms C and fancy a load of books give me a shout at gooddogmolly@hotmail.ca I have tons of paperbacks all kinds of subjects that are bursting my bookshelves at the seams.
If the offer is still open, I would very much appreciate your generosity. Thanks so very much!
sure is! just send me an email at the good dog email and let me know what kinds of books you like and where I can drop them off. don’t post your address here.