It didn’t look like love to me. Out of self-preservation I turned you away, you should’ve known that. Instead of leaving the door open for me, you slammed it shut and locked it,leaving me out in the cold. I’m a very empathic person but, after I tried to explain the reason for my actions you sent someone to try to clean up the mess you made of me.
At times, the pain I feel for my having rejected you is overwhelming. Remember my door is always open for you. —My Enemy, My Love
This article appears in Dec 20-26, 2012.
Self-conficted much?
Two things,first this is more a Bitch than a Love. Secondly, he sent someone to clean up the mess he made of you? There are people that do that? You have a messy breakup and you can hire somebody to smooth things over?
More seriously, get over the guilt because it is a useless emotion. Shut and lock your own door! You had your reasons for shutting this person out in the beginning but that came with a price. That’s just the way it worked out. Sorry.
As an aside, I do NOT think guilt is a useless emotion…
Maybe with regards to certain aspects of life but definitely not universal.
Without guilt there would be much less of an already degrading honesty in the world.
so, is this an answer to the previous ‘existing’ bitch? if so, you two ever thought of picking up the phone, or maybe sending an email to the other?
do you think emoting all over a bitch forum makes your relationship like the ‘movie stars’ who get their affairs splashed across tabloids?
may as well sell tickets for the next kabuki performance. sheesh.
Point taken Zed. I misspoke. It should be “in this case your guilt is useless, it doesn’t help you.” Universally, guilt is not a useless emotion. It’s part of having a set of values.
OL, I am assuming this one is in keeping with the one earlier this week. I recommended locking the door in the comments and i can only give my experience as a reason. Being on the receiving end of being shut out, i continued to throw open my door every chance i could and they were never on the step (figuratively), so the door got flung open less often and not quite as wide. Now if there was a knock on that door, I don’t know what I would do. I don’t consider it much anymore, the last time I tried, there was a flaming pile of shit flung at me.
so you move on, start smiling a little more, focus on the great things you have. Regret isn’t easy but if you aren’t willing to meet them part way, a resolution is not likely to happen.
For the record, my regret and sorrow ran incredibly deep, but I was alone in feeling anything. You Can’t change how others react or feel. If they feel nothing and have no.regrets, its done.
Good luck to you.
#1tosome.
In your experience did the person have a good reason for rejecting you?
Being a devil’s advocate-I don’t think someone can just assume that a person knows what your thinking or the reason’s you do the things you do;no matter “who” they are.
Someone may not be afraid to step onto your stoop(fig.) because they’re afraid of you but because the light wasn’t on (figuratively)on your stoop so,the disappointed person passed by,assuming you didn’t care because you were not at home.
I understand how this is heartbreaking.Especially if you spent a lot of time (at work) with the guy and came to care very deeply and even love him .Looked forward to even spending one magical night together but,you got your wires crossed….
Yes#1 regret is a killer.
You live your life being a disappointment to everyone who claim to love you then,you become a big disappointment to yourself,that’s much harder to take,when your completely alone in this world.
Sometimes a light that’s not turned on is just a light that’s not turned on.
Shit happens…People do get their wires crossed.In cases like this one “a do over” shouldn’t be out of the question.
“You Can’t change how others react or feel. If they feel nothing and have no.regrets, its done.”
No your can’t control what a person does or thinks.If a person goes through a lot of trouble to be with you then can simply “forget” and “unknow” you like you were never there,then they didn’t care for you to begin with.
#1 I can imagine how incredibly hard that was for you.I would internalize it,blame myself for “not being good enough” or feel like I was a “dirty little secret” that wasn’t.
A guy can’t/doesn’t respect you enough not to mistreat you and can “unknow” and “forget” you that soon afterwards,you have to wonder why.Let me guess #1 he said it was him not you?
Being Devil’s Advocate is fun.Not like I love to argue.I’m an easy person to get along with.Certain topics get me fired up then up goes the volume and the shit hits the fan.Some people know just what to say to piss me off.I guess I need to learn to deal with those people.People like my mother who knew how to push my buttons.
#1 are you still up for a Christmas drunk?lolz
I’m wondering why you would want me to “push you down” Ref. your “motto”?lolz
Boru, lol. No pushing please and I meant that metaphorically. But a Christmas drinkfest maybe in order.
The story is was referencing is done and over with. Not worth delving into. I stopped wondering and caring why. I moved on and left that behind. I only refer to it as a way to give perspective.
I understand your points, no question. Maybe there will be a do over for this couple. Optimism isn’t dead.
#1tosome Don’t worry I’m not going to go all psycho. on your ass. I assumed you meant that metaphorically.But if your up to it, let me know lol?
I apologize for stepping on your toes. I asked as an opener to my points of view on the matter. 🙂
No toe stepping at all. I like that you care so passionately. Never lose that even when you are faced with sadness.
To the OL, if the door is open you may need to announce it, playing cat and mouse obviously isn’t working. Maybe, if you are very earnest (and lucky) the object of your post will listen. Then go from there.
Good luck to you.
OL/OP, it appears like your explanation wasn’t heard or wasn’t understood? If you genuinely wish to have some resolution, maybe swallowing your pride (or reluctance) and take the chance to contact them directly.
As #1 said, anonymous posting isn’t going to fix what you’re feeling. Call, email, text or whatever and have a discussion, you just never know what will happen. I turned my back on someone for many reasons and once I realized I needed them in my life, I took a leap and contacted them again. Best chance I have ever taken.
Have they ever expressed a wish to see you or hear from you again? Have you ever asked? How long has this existing only been going on?
I don’t know your circumstances, maybe you don’t want the door open. Maybe you would rather be unhappy. I hope that’s not the case.
#1ToSome Thank you.A lot of people confuse my passion for anger.Some people who lack certain social skills can have difficulty explaining their feeling in a manner that don’t come off as looking confrontational.I am one of those “socially awkward” people who happen to feel very passionately about certain subjects.
OP I agree with #1., tell your “LOVE” your intentions are pure and that your feelings for him are true.The cat and mouse “thing” is nerve wracking,especially when you know the outcome would be awesome.I can appreciate that you don’t want to risk loosing him for good so,your hesitant to contact him directly to tell him your door is open for him.
#1 I hope your Christmas is going well so far?
Thanks Boru! Fantastic actually, just spent a fun weekend with a special friend.
Merry Christmas, I hope you take moments to cherish you!!!
http://www.roflcat.com/images/cats/Bah__Hu…
http://www.demotivatingposters.com/wp-cont…
I don’t know exactly what happened between OP and OP’s love.I can understand OP’s reluctance,anxiety about taking another chance on her love her feelings.I don’t know how much she risked and lost, the last time they spoke.It reads like she lost a lot and was extremely emotionally hurt as the result of “Love’s” rejection.
Gentlerain Are you trolling OP,your comments to OP sound as though you’re trying to set her/him up for another fall?
I don’t know what’s going on with these 2 but, I think OP was very hurt by “Love’s” rejection.OP lost a lot making that “LEAP” to tell “Love” her honest feelings.
I understand from OP’s comments that that leap was attempted without a safety net.In my opinion was quite brave.
Personally I feel OP proved herself and her feelings for her Love are true.Although under the blanket of anonymity,she is still trying to make her honest feelings for Love known.She hasn’t given up.
I feel OP couldn’t handle another rejection.While wanting to let her love know that he is worth the world to her;she doesn’t know any other way to tell him.
I feel Love should contact OP if he is SERIOUS and true in his intentions and feelings for OP.
#1ToSome That’s great I’m glad you spent time with a friend.
I have a plan,hopefully it’ll work out for me.Only then will I be able to cherish myself.
If you see the Christmas Star tonight,would you make a wish for happiness and love for me,please?
Just read a tweet that stuck with me. I don’t know if it could help you OP to start a conversation with the subject of your post. Any or all of these “perhaps” may apply to your situation?
Perhaps I gave up too easily
Perhaps I expected too much
Perhaps I was wrong
Indeed I will Boru, I’ll make a wish for you.
#1Tosome.
Perhaps all or all but 1 or 2 “starters” would apply to OP or her Love. I do feel bad for them.
I Tweet a little,I’m also on Facebook.I’m not exactly tech savvy,so…Facebook is easier to use and I’ve been a member longer that Twitter.What about you #1,how long have you been a twitter? If that’s the correct terminology? 🙂
#1Tsome.
I think I saw what you suggested OP to start as a conversation opener on Twitter.Like I told you I’m not tech savvy so I can be slow at times.I think you gave OP some very helpful advice.I hope that OP’s love will have a change of heart and give her another chance.From what OP wrote she cares deeply for her love but may be afraid he will call the police to lay harassment charges on her,if she tired to contact him.lol.Seriously,we don’t know how or if they “ended” with bad/hurt feelings.
Take care#1.My night is not good I’m lonely. I hope your night turned out to be a happy one.
Like any good xmas eve, I hung my stockings on the side of the hamper, nestled in, and enjoyed a good, festive flick.
This year was expendables 2.
I give it 4 wreaths.
#1ToSome
As someone who doesn’t know these people I can understand your first and last “openers”
“Perhaps I gave up too easily.”
“Perhaps I was wrong.”
I didn’t Understand this, “Perhaps I expected too much”. Are you suggesting that OP’s Love gave her too much credit but gave up because he was disappointed in her?
Just curious.
Merry Christmas Boru. As I don’t know what you mean by trolling I certainly hope I am not doing it unintentionally.
My point is that if this person wants their “love” to come through the door, they should do more than post anonymously on here. But if OP never make any attempt to re-connect then perhaps they are not completely interested in reconciling/repairing the relationship? Just something that crossed my mind.
I rejected someone who loved me unconditionally during years of drug addiction and continuing recovery. I flitted in and out of his life over and over again. Every time I dropped out he would still send birthday cards, christmas cards, or emails with sayings of encouragement. Sometimes I replied, sometimes I ignored him. About a year went by and I hadn’t heard from him so I sent a text, and he replied within 5 mins. We met, had coffee and dessert and that restarted a great relationship. That was years ago now and we are still together. His door was always open, I just needed to turn the darn doorknob.
Gentlerain In OP letter she wrote “I’m a very empathic person but, after I tried to explain the reason for my actions you sent someone to try to clean up the mess you made of me.”
She tried to let him know why she said or did what she did to him,instead he denied her them he seemed to care enough for her to send a friend to see if he was ok.
As someone looking in I have to wonder.Did he genuinely care enough for her to send a friend to make sure she was fine or did he (for whatever reason) send in his friend to spy or to find out how much OP knew(?)?Like I said,I don’t know them.I had a friend a couple years ago who went through a similar heartbreak.
I wondered if you were setting OP up for embarrassment.which is why I asked you if you were trolling OP.I know there are some people on board’s like this one who are only on here to hurt someone.
Thank you for allowing me in on a personal level although,I don’t know you.I know letting people “in” even those you’ve never met can be difficult.
Gentlerain OP could contact her Love assuming of course they parted on good terms.It doesn’t sound like they did.So, I understand her commenting on this board in hopes he will read it and want to reconnect with her. I hope he does.
In my friend’s case she had a good reason not to contact the man she was in love with directly.She was afraid of him talking to other people about secrets she reveled about herself that could hurt others if they found out.If that happened she would have been left with absolute no one in her life.
Gentlerain Just a thought…I was assuming that “they” were actually in a loving,sexual “relationship” to begin with.Perhaps they were co workers.Until,she told him how she felt about him, then he had her fired or transferred(boss?). Which would explain OP posting her feelings for him here anonymously. Well,she makes it no secret how badly she wants and cares for him.She certainly does miss him and wants him back in her life.
What do you think about that?I can understand her need to protect her emotional health by not taking another leap of faith in a man who turned his back on her. Hopefully he will read her comments,know she still loves him and he’ll want to give her (a)another chance.
Also what OP didn’t write about was whether she hurt her Love at all.
Gentlerain,#1ToSome
Did I say something that upset either of you?
I’m sorry if I did,I certainly didn’t intend to hurt either of you.
Boru? You did not say anything to upset me. Between the busy week and life in general I was preoccupied. Life has a way of throwing a curve ball!!
Hope your Christmas has some merry in it!
#1Tosome All is well with you I hope.
My Christmas was alright,lonely
Has anyone heard from SheSang?I think I hurt her feelings or insulted her after the last summit.I had a bit of a bout on when she told me something came up and she couldn’t go surfing with me.I was childish and I feel terrible I made her feel badly.
SheSang if you read this I’m sorry I became a childish bitch.I usually don’t get like that and again I’m sorry.
I haven’t… then again, I haven’t heard from most people this week so I figured it was just par for the course.
i’m at home watching movies, ama^^
I’ve been MIA with this dang ol’ cough/sinus infection for the past couple weeks, but I figured everyone else was busy with holiday crap.
I slept through most of Xmas day — cough kicked the shit out of me. I was up for like an hour and a half to open presents, then back to bed for 20 hours (!).
I’m sure the xmas eve cheesecake (homemade!) didn’t help with the not-feeling-like-shit-ness. 😀
Hope everyone had a great holiday. Sorry I didn’t get into the shop, Painy — I just haven’t been up to going out. I missed out on a lot of festivities this year. 🙁
Gentlerain ans #1tosome. IYO
If OL wanted to contact her”Love” any opinions how she would contact him,if she managed to rustle up enough courage to again attempt to “get” the guy she wants?
I just can’t get this OL out of my mind.It’s obvious to me she’s written letters to that guy before.She seems to really care for that guy.She may not be perfect but,he’s one lucky guy to have captured her heart.
http://ow.ly/i/1iRpO
Sometimes hope is all you have. 🙂
Hope all had a great Christmas, I know I did! Santa had no trouble finding us and everybody seemed to have a great time! I really do not need any presents as I just feed off the vibe. So anything I get is in fact gravy.
Sib movie night tomorrow night. I get together with some of my brothers and sisters and we go see a flick. ‘Django Unchained” is the flick. Hope to see ‘The Hobbit’ or ‘Les Miserables’ Sunday (not sib related) but the weather looks a tad fearsome. Maybe 30 cm of the white stuff Saturday and Sunday hope ya’ll have your shovels. lol
As Zed mentioned “tis the season” Boru. SheSang is probably offline due to the holidays and probably has nothing to do with what you said to her, depending on what you said to her. You do tend to take things to heart, as I once did. Usually the reality is that it has nothing to do with you. As it likely is in this case.
This time of year can be tough on people and the ‘New Year’ offers a time of stark reflection. My suggestion for you if I may is to take up some sort of exercise program particularly cardio not because I think you need to lose weight or shape up, I don’t know you or your body image perception.
Exercise brings about the release of endorphins which gives a sense of feel good. It helps with self-confidence and brings sense of pride and accomplishment. It helps me tremendously with this time of year and the depression brought about by diminished daylight hours. Besides there’s some nice scenery at the local gym as well.
Just a suggestion. I know physical exercise is not everybody’s cup of tea, they find other ways to burn calories.
Troodon I hope she’s ok.I’m worried about her.I know she’s a though cookie but,even though cookie’s crumble this time of year due to added stresses.
Also thanks for the advice.I do walk quite a bit everyday(not as much as I used to;I miss my dog a lot).I have SAD as well.Do you have a SADlight?My light helps me a bit.
morning boru, both shelters are up in burnside, and they would be thrilled to see you at the door looking to take one of the doggies for a walk. SPCA or Homeward Bound. go to their web sites, or facebook page and check the hours for walking. they also like cat cuddlers/players. all the animals are desperate for human touch and interaction, there are only so many arms to go around and so busy swamping out cages etc.
it would be hard on your heart, yes. you would cry and want to take them all home, but you have to accept that hurt yourself, and do it for the doggies. they NEED you. it would make such a difference to a confused lonely dog to have you all to himself for a half hour walk and cuddle. so many people who love animals cannot do this, they say ‘i couldn’t bear to see them like that’. but the animals need someone who can love them enough to overcome that. to open your arms and love that dog, accept his kisses and devotion for a small time. and to do it day after day. it takes someone who is willing to open their heart, and someone who has a huge heart and capacity for love. and someone who knows what hurt is, and can hold her head up and do it anyway. i thought of you.
GDM Thank you.I’ll keep that in mind.
Boru, I’ve come to the realization that i am the worst person to give advice to this OP. Every action i would recommend would fail miserably!
My final thought on this post is: give it one more attempt if you feel strongly about it. If after a day or so there is no response… let it go.
As for getting the person, i don’t even know if it is romance they seek, could be friendship.
Again, i just don’t know.
Best of luck OP.
Hope you are doing well Boru.
Maybe gr has advice?
#1tosome.
Thanks for getting back to me
I feel for OP.I was going to suggest that OP try to message him on Facebook.
I don’t know OP personally so,I don’t know what kind of relationship she’s looking for.Though she seems to be pretty smitten with him.
I sounds to me that she might want to take it slow at first(for fear of scaring him off again(?)) and see where it goes from there.
#1tosome.I’m not doing so hot lately.I have too much stress add xmas and New Year tomorrow night.I find being alone New Year’s eve more depressing than any other time.I feel awful on top of everything because I hurt a friends feelings by being rude to her.I still can’t believe I became so petty and childish.That is not me at all.I can’t get in touch with her to tell her how awful I feel about that.
But thanks for lending me an ear.So to speak.
You take care #1
Yea, Maybe gentlerain has any suggestions on how OP can get in touch with her love.
Some things just don’t work out. Too much time or feelings are so raw that it can’t ever be fixed. One person cannot do all the work without ever receiving any sign of encouragement. It’s a perpetual sense of disappointment.
My very wise and strong friend walked away from her disappointment and welcomed someone new and exciting. She made a good decision. Let’s hope OP does too.
OP, take on this conversation with the person of this love. Do it soon, if you hesitate they’ll have moved on. If nothing comes of it then you have tried.
I hope OL takes the great advice given here and contacts her “love”,somehow.Then if the guy still cares for her he will contact her.
Good luck OP. 🙂
Happy New Year, everyone. 🙂
coastingalong
“My very wise and strong friend walked away from her disappointment and welcomed someone new and exciting. She made a good decision. Let’s hope OP does too.”
I’m glad your friend is at a “good place” in her life,where she has good friends who care about her enough not try to insult her by feeding her bullshit then completely cutting her off and ignoring her as if they never met her.When she tried to talk with them about how badly she was hurt by they’re lies.
coastingalong ….”My very wise and strong friend”..because your friend was wise and strong doesn’t mean that OP is stupid and weak (I’m happy that your friend had a good professional to help her deal with her bad experiences). Maybe OP was lied to and placed in a bad situation through no fault of her own.
I can understand why it seems OP is frustrated by that guy who made a decision that affected her life without consulting her first.Then lied about everything.Even his friend who OP said was sent to “clean up the mess you made of me” denied everything.
Have a Happy New Year. 🙂
Boru, i am not sure what you read into my post. I didnt say the OP was stupid and weak. I also made no mention of my friend seeing a professional.
How do we know that the poster is female? How do we know people were lied to? And that a friend denied everything? I fail to see these details in the original post. I am confused.
Happy New Year to you too
coastingalong You mentioned your “wise and strong friend” who “walked away from her disappointment.” and welcomed someone new.
I assumed she saw a professional who helped her get to a better emotional place so she would be able to make better decisions for herself.
I’ve been following comments between OP and the guy that may be her “love.”
It may seem confusing to you but,I am not confused at all.
I pray that 2013 is a better year. 🙁 🙁
Happy New Year to everyone.
Two posts, very similar in nature. Is it that 2 people are experiencing the same feelings (separate situations) or a conversation between the two involved?
OP, I would like to say that it will all work out okay. The art of any relationship (romantic or friendship) is direct communication. Be honest and ask yourself if you have been open to any contact? Have you done anything except post here? Has there been attempts of the other person to contact you? What did you do (if anything)?
Here’s another question to consider: Are either of you involved with other people now?
It would be nice to say that opening a door would solve all of the problems. It could certainly alleviate sadness and further disappointment. Reaching out is perhaps a good idea, as the other person may not know the “door” is open.
This isn’t any new advice, just reinforcing others.
🙂
Are you waiting for a grand gesture of some sort? Well that only happens on rom-coms. Keep preserving yourself.