Thank you for screaming at me over dropping your tool kit this morning on our 20th wedding anniversary.
Over those two decades, you ridiculed, mocked and verbally abused me. You would rather get hit by a bus than say one kind word to me. You accuse me of blaming everything on you when that is not the case, it’s only your fucking insecurity in place.
Now you’re chronically sick and feeling like shit and you’ve gotten so much worse. I want to leave so badly but I know if I do, our daughter will never speak to me again and all our friends who think you are so nice will think I’m the ultimate bitch.
Thanks for ruining my life. —Can’t Fucking Win
This article appears in Sep 9-15, 2010.
I really feel bad for you… I know what it’s like to feel like you’re stuck in a relationship for whatever reason. I’ve watched my mom live through it for as long as I can remember. Maybe you can look into seeing a counselor through work or something, not a marriage counselor, but one for you.
Good Luck
time to give the asshole a ball bat for your anniverary, right in the fucking skull. purple fire you poor sexy thing, let me lend you a shoulder to lean on.
I am by no means trained in relationships, but if I were you (and i know full well i am not.. I don’t know the full story) I would make sure that this doesn’t go on for another 20 years and leave the filthy bastard. Your daughter is your daughter and love between a mother and daughter would be unconditional (I would assume…) That relationship can be mended over time, even if not immediately. Either way I hope you end up doing what is best for you and begin to see the joy and beauty that is available in this world. Cause it certainly gets easier when such weights are lifted off your shoulders.
Grow a set, dear. If you daughter cannot accept the fact that you are standing up for yourself and choses to sever a relationship with you – it’s her loss. Besides, you aren’t setting much of an example staying in so lousy a relationship. I’ve been there, I know.
Put steps in motion and free yourself. As far as your ‘friends’, if they don’t support you in this, they aren’t your friends and you are better off without them.
Get some help for yourself. Talk to a counselor. You might have to leave. If he can’t or won’t change for you, what exactly do you owe him? Hopefully your daughter will understand.
Good luck.
I’m sorry that you feel so trapped and that you feel like you hate the person you’ve spent the last 20 years with, and no one should ever abuse you, verbally or physically. I watched my mother go through this for years, I promise you, your daughters love is unconditional. On the other hand- You mention his insecurity – but then say you can’t leave because everyone will hate you, your daughter and friends. That sounds like you have insecurity issues….you’re going to stay with someone that makes you so unhappy because you don’t want don’t want to be at “fault” for your marriage ending.
jonno, life is hell. We try to go through with as little pain as possible…
well except for the masochists, I suppose.
beauty is in the eye of the beholder… and I’m seeing a great lack of it.
perhaps I need to put on the beer goggles.
Life is way to short to tolerate someone else’s bullshit! Life is too short to live it unhappy! You deserve more than the treatment you’ve accepted from this ‘husband’ for 20 years. Having left a similar situation after a similar amount of time tolerating it, I can honestly say it is not easy starting out on your own but the peace, solitude and self preservation are soooooooo worth it! Trust me! DTMFA!!!
DTMFA.
Time heals all wounds, you won’t heal where you are.
20 years is a long time, the thought of being alone can be frightening, but by the sounds of it, it’s better than where you are now.
DTMFA
So why are you still there? Love ain’t enough.
step one: acknowledge your loserdom, step two: embrace it, step 3: repeat
Now’s your chance OP…..he’s chronically sick and feeling like shit….make his life a fucking hell. Watch the movie “Misery” for some tips and play-by-play hints. Question is, can you sum up all the hell he put you through for 20 years into the few remaining years he has left and dish it out to him?
Hey life is too short to be this miserable, your daughter will love you no matter what! Your friends will stick with you if they are your friends, if not get some new ones , join a club get out and enjoy life. You are never alone 🙂
It should also be noted that the example you are setting for your daughter by accepting this treatment teaches her that it is acceptable for her too. Is this really what you want to have her believe? The type of partner you would have her with?
And who cares what friends THINK? It is your LIFE that counts, not the thoughts of others! They don’t live your life. You do, and only you.
There is nothing worse than having regretted choosing to waste precious time in a useless situation. No person has the right to belittle and abuse another. It is tremendously unhealthy behaviour for both parties. No one has the right to do this to you. When you realize this you will leave. As scary as leaving seems, in retrospect you’ll kick yourself for not having done it sooner!
Friends should stick with you, no matter what. It’s tough, but in my last breakup, I realize who loved me for me, and who was just excess. It’s so difficult, especially with a child involved, but we’re in 2010, and children everywhere are learning to have meaningful relationships with each parent, separately. Live for yourself, you only get one shot at this.
“Over those two decades, you ridiculed, mocked and verbally abused me. You would rather get hit by a bus than say one kind word to me. You accuse me of blaming everything on you when that is not the case, it’s only your fucking insecurity in place.”
You’d make a good rapper.
Oh, and I admire how you put your daughter’s feelings before your own.
Being on ur own is scary and the survival rates for singles is extremely low. Ur better off taking ur husband’s abuse and not rocking the boat. The remote chance of possible happiness isn’t worth the big step of walking out. U should continue representing strong women everywhere and be a role model for ur daughter by further entrenching urself into a loveless marriage.
Also, see Kelly M’s comment. Good advice.
DTMFA.
If you would like, I can get you a referal for a decent not-to-exensive lawyer.
Has it gotten any better in,……lets say the past 5 years? No?
DTMFA
As much as your husband reminds me of a sack of shit, your daughter isn’t much better.
It’s hard to hide that kind of relationship from your kids (especially since your husband sounds like a douchtard who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself), so your daughter putting you in that situation by your assertion that she’d never talk to you again makes her pretty much as bad as he is.
I’m sorry, but someone needs to slap that girl (your daughter) upside the head so she can get a wake up call.
Leave and let her take care of her abusive father. Maybe then she’ll see what’s really been going on.
PF, you remind me of me (and my mom) after reading your post. It boggles me how people can stay in shitty and abusive relationships for years or even decades on end. Manipulation is a powerful weapon in relationships though 🙁
She probably won’t talk to you again. Sad truth.
Well that was a little harsh of me …
We only have one half of the story.
Yet the jury (aka previous posters) has posted their verdict !
Christ I hope none of you people ever get to be on a jury !
There are always two sides to every situation but life’s too short to go through it unhappy. ‘Better single than miserable’ applies to both parties in a bad relationship. Bottom line: if the OP no longer loves her husband it’s time to take the appropriate steps to remedy that. It’s unfair to herself and the husband to do otherwise.
Leave him. You’re not happy. You only have one life and I’m afraid there is nothing after this life. Your daughter probably knows what really goes on and knows that you’re unhappy.
It’s hard making a big change like this but not more difficult than what you’ve endured for the last 20+ years with this “man”.
20 years of this???? At this point you have ruined your own life.
This is ridiculously sad.