Why is that all my buddies have girlfriends or friends w/benefits at all times, and I gotta keep getting busy with my palm?
No I don’t wanna prostitute! I want what my buddies got: a woman to spend time with and have regular sex with! I was just recently told that I keep asking out good-looking women and that’s why I can’t get laid. Yeah I fucking do, but if my buddies can get good-looking women, why can’t I! —Just me and my hand
This article appears in May 13-19, 2010.
Maybe you’re fugly?
Or maybe it’s your sense of entitlement?
Either or.
So harsh but Pretty Kitty may have a point there. If your buddies can get good-looking women but you can’t, there is something missing in you (charming personality perhaps) or there is too much of something in you (pride maybe) compared to your buddies. Maybe ask your buddies why they think you can’t get good-looking women.
I agree with Pretty Kitty… Fugly or entitlement, take your pick
Here are the possibilities:
– not so good-looking yourself.
– hideous personality (you view women as walking vaginas, and nothing more)
– you have no car, or money.
– you keep going after the sort of chic who is wayyyyyy out of your league.
– your buddies may have more going for them than you do.
Wrap your desperate little dick in a pound of beef liver – it’s cheap and you can pretend you’re deflowering Lindsay Lohan. Bahawhawhawhaw.
Yeah I gotta agree with the above comments. But maybe you should also look and make sure the good looking women you’re going after aren’t high maintenance (if you’re laid back). Alternatively, maybe you’re the kind of guy who likes to see his woman made up: some women get tired of that too. And yes, having a job and not living with your parents is a requirement for most women.
beef liver… heh heh.
just waiting for LS to say “only a pound? that’ll never cut it”
there certainly is something missing… instead of thinking it’s always an issue with the ladies, ask your friends and really look at how you present yourself.
And keep trying… can’t get anywhere without that first step…
Try meeting girls through your friend’s girls
Your hand, or even TTFN’s liver idea, has far fewer bugs than the kind of pussy you’re chasing. I just hope you’re positively packing pecker protection & not pursuing popular prostitutes.
astounded at amazing alliteration!
makes it easier to remember that excellent motto PDG
I.N.T.E.R.N.E.T.
Nothing attracts the high maintenance plastic women faster than
A… H U G E (no, no no not penis) PILE OF CASH.
IF your loaded , your problem will be keeping away from those gold diggers.
But seeing as that’s what you want, eye candy, instead of someone who might actually care for you…start saving up.
You can’t get laid in Halifax? Did the Palace and Dome burn down?
Maybe your friends’ girls could give you some pointers?
Clean up, stink less, lose the attitude. That’s probably your issue. Maybe if you stopped whining about jerking off all the time, you might not come off as a pathetic loser.
well at least you don’t have feed it or clothe it, and you don’t have to listen to it bitch and whine. and the best part, it will never say no, or have a monthly. so i guess you are getting off lucky. and the real best part, you are [artners for your life, no divorces, separations or alimony payments, and no nasty little bastard kids either.
Correction: Separations could happen, through accidents, by losing a hand or the other part.
yes newby, but not likely. and zzz, not that a pound isn’t a lot, but that i would wrap my meat in it, unfrozen and warm, of course. no, i love my pussy when i can get it, and look forward to the next exciting installment, any takers today. how about you newby, you a female? ( note to selkf,don’t sound so desperate).
Women can always tell when you’re just focused on their looks. That’s why they don’t want anything to do with you.
Sounds like you’re more worried about how your partner will make you look, as in, “oh he had to settle…” God help the woman who hooks up with you.
There’s nothing wrong with being choosey. Just getting into a relationship for no particular reason is insane. However, limiting your choices to so called “good looking” girls is incredibly shallow.
If you were to be honest, you’d just acknowledge that what you’re looking for is to just fuck a hot chick. News flash, get a hooker.
Maybe after that’s done, you’ll realise that you are in fact a huge loser and you’ll turn the corner.
Carry a huge cucumber wrapped in tin foil in your Y-fronts. If nothing else, you’ll impress the girls by setting off any metal detectors.
loverly imagery as usual ttfn. i think the english would be long but the regular cuke is thicker
I recommend two things:
Stop caring about this. Go to work and get your hands dirty, and think about how great it is to be single. Because it is. If you’re a decent guy, friendly, caring, etc – it’ll happen. There are tons of great girls, women, out there and you know that – and there’s nothing wrong with knowing that, and being attracted to just looks. You’re probably young, from what I gather, so you definitely need the time to develop who you are and who you’ll be… I used to be in your shoes – you sound a lot like me – and I’m definitely not ‘swimming in the female riches’, but I’ve had great experiences (be they long or short), and have a new wealth of confidence that continues to gain momentum as I learn. With that comes respect, energy and the confidence to not worry that not having a girl with you at all times means you never will, or that you’re going to die alone.
Second: Put yourself out there more, bud. Put away the porn for a few weeks, get a hobby and have something other than the daily-grind to talk about. The more you mope, the more you whine, the more you feel like a lonely piece of shit – the more it will show, and the more likely you will end up alone, or, worse, attached and begging for sex when you’re 45 and living in constant worry that she’ll leave you.
Oh yea, and another: Be a friend – and don’t try to fuck the first girl you befriend. It’s always good to have one or two in the pocket.
Go get drunk and shoot the shit with bartenders. Talk. And don’t feel bad when you have a bill to pay and a bed to go sleep alone in.
I’m not going to pick on you.
I’m usually all about advice too, but not right now.
I feel for you.
what’s the matter sugar?
try switching hands half way through and pretend you’re doing twins yea baby 🙂
Hmmmm … I have to agree with many of the above posters that perhaps you are aiming too high? Why do 5’s think they deserve 9’s? Not trying to be shallow but don’t the laws of biology stipulate that people of relatively equal levels of attractiveness tend to pair off? I don’t go around hitting on male supermodels but I do look for a guy who is at least in shape/well dressed/educated, etc – all things which I can offer him in return. Also, it sounds like you are only in the market for a fuck buddy -a market I will *assume* has more men in it than women. Supply and demand would dictate that it would be extremely difficult to secure a fuck buddy, let alone an attractive one. This is also assuming that you are being up front with the womn you are approaching. Look in the mirror; be honest with yourself and then behave accordingly.
To LS: Thanks but I am married. 🙂 Also, I am probably much older than you are, so no warm 1 lb liver to look forward to here.
Veal will do in a pinch but make sure it’s got a legit ID, no fang forking if it’s under the age of 25 days. The Veal Vag and the Liver Labias – this week’s best choices at your local Stupidstore. And don’t forget their special on 2 for 1 Dipshit paper towels, the ones with the dancing pinecones on the package. And I don’t mean Brent Randall.
As the regional representative of N.A.M.V.L.A. (North American Man/Veal Love Association) I take great offense to the preceding comment and it’s attempt to portray a beautiful loving act between a consenting adult and a well trimmed slice of baby calf-flesh in a salacious and depraved manner. N.A.M.V.L.A.’s never ending struggle against being stigmatized by judgemental bigotry such as this embiggens us all. So remember, Support N.A.M.V.L.A. because your mind is just the first thing we want to see opened.
brilliant i say brillant
Bahawhawhawhawhaw – you made my night, Mighty Ivan, He Wolf of the SS (Salacious Spittle).
Oh! the things I do for a cheap laugh. I scrubbed and I scrubbed but they just don’t make water hot enough.
(weeps piteously) .
Spassibo Bolshoi, lovely ladies of the Bitch Board. For truly thou art my muses.
LIFE SUCKS.
Your first comment…Gold! Good advice for the OP.
thanks senor, and n t h, bet you aren’t older than me, but well, you are hitched. hope you guys don’t really think that i get on here just to hit on the ladies. i’m just having un. guys, liver and veal might be nice, and cheaper, but come hunting season, there is a bear in stewiacke that has a thing for me, big ole brute. and ivan, niet, on the group.
sorry ivan, nyet.
You can take the one off my hands who won’t leave me alone! Christ, do you really need to text me 20 times a day about all the stupid shit you get up to? I could even give you her number if you want.
Anyway, she puts out wickedly, so I’ll put up with how annoying she is for now, but I still like being technically single though! Truth be told she’s a nice girl, too.
Anyway, just enjoy being single and actually stop wanting a girlfriend. You’ll find women all over you then since most women just want what they can’t have. And being single is awesome for all the reasons that have already been stated. I save heaps of money, don’t have to put up with nagging and whining, and can fart and pick my nose in my own damn bed all I want!
let me know when reay ready, you have my mail addy i believe. hopes they like it wet and wild.
drop reay. keyboard is acting fucking lately. but let me know.
N.A.M.V.L.A.
hahahahahaha
remind me to never take you to the keg.
the only thing worse than taking your steak into the washroom….
not bothering to take it to the washroom.
You’re fucking ugly. Move on.
I agree with hellakitty. I know a few guys who are 5s and lower who are SUPER picky about their “women.” They’re nothing to write home about, yet think women who aren’t “supermodel” quality aren’t even close to being in “[their] league.”
Same can go with women too. Some people REALLY need a reality check as to what they`re capable of getting.
surprisingly though it does happen.
I’ve seen some uggo’s with a bombshell on their shoulder…
and we’re not talking filthy loaded rich either.
not sure what bait they were using… but damn.
they smell good and are funny
This post reminds me of a guy I worked with years ago – he was a Don Knotts doppleganger, so help me fuck – anyway, he’s talking to the boss and describing the girl of his dreams – tall, blonde, gorgeous. My former boss, never a man to hold back a single thought, looks at Mr. Furly and exclaims: “Jesus Christ, have you looked in a fucking mirror lately?’ I laughed so hard I fell off my chair.
smell good and are funny eh?
interesting…
i already know what you look like zZz and you are very funny…so that just leaves the smell
Smell is veeeeery important! Some guys are pretty cute, but then you get closer and you’re wondering why they skimped on the pit stick.
hmmm… gotcha. Excellent notes…
and not too much…. like dousing in axe or that crap cologne…
gonna have to work out the right amount.
It’s tough because you get used to the smell and don’t notice until other people start coughing around you. (not me personally… but ya know what I mean)
with as many bitches on fragrances, I know you do.
any general preferences on which type smell?
citrus-ish probably isn’t best… ?
I don’t really like musky either…
Well, if you’re looking for personal preference – the lack of smell is good enough for me. Just smell like “clean man” with fresh breath. But I’m not a club whore, so what do I know?
I think any smell that is fresh and clean is nice. Or Vanilla (not typical, but any guy that smells like Vanilla automatically looks sweet and yummy to me). Perfume smells differently on different people’s skin so you have to test them. Once my friend and I tried on a grapefruit body lotion and it smelled like grapefruit on her skin and not on mine.
i’m with ralmn, wash the good bits especially your bum
it’s sad you had to actually state that… though it is true that there are some real pigs out there, happy to wallow in their own filth.
ug.
well the themes this week are poopy bums, pregnancy and not getting any
Good synopsis. Hard to believe how much time can be wasted here reading about these things…
Time spent learning is never time wasted ralmn. Thanks to you I have some new Chuck Norris lines. Spassibo.
As the comedy channel say, time well wasted.
those are all kinda related too!
well not so much chuck norris …
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
getting back to chuck norris my bitch donny osmond (see profile pic) could dance his ass to death you mf’s 🙂
Friends/w benefits is just another term for sluts.
I’m astounded! You seem so charming in your rant. Most women love being considered a replacement for your hand. I can only imagine you’re a sweet talker in person…it must be them. Couldn’t be you!!!