Stop farting in the aisles of department stores, supermarkets, etc. After you drop your guts and run away, people like me unknowingly walk through the miasmic cloud and almost vomit from the stench of your colon. Worse still, other people come by and glare at ME, thinking I’m the one who churned out that putrid gas.
At least go the the fucking bathroom to fart if you can’t make it outside in time!
—LittleWifey
This article appears in Jul 9-15, 2009.
Sounds like Granny (can’t) Clampett strikes again.
Nice description. I can practically taste the fumes.
When your colon cannon is about to explode copious amounts of methane, holding it in is not as easy as squeezing your butt cheeks together. Like my dear old mam used to say: ‘where ever you may be, let your wind fly free’ – I’ll remember to glare at you, OP, while I’m fleeing the scene of the ‘crime’. So what do you suggest – Fart and No Fart Zones?
TTFN – Yeaah…Bathrooms and Non-Bathrooms.
And if you can’t make it in time? Would you suggest a wine cork?
If a wine cork is what it takes! Hell, you can shove the whole bottle up if necessary.
Hmmm…”No Fart Zone”, I like the sound of that. Not sure how we could impose such a restriction, but I’m all for trying.
Some people just can’t control their sphincter as well as others. You can’t blame people for a perfectly natural bodily function.
Suck it up OP.
I do “suck it up”, and it burns my nose hairs.
To hell with that! Dropping bombs and hauling ass is one of my favorite pastimes!
Anyone that can manage to hold a shit can hold a fart!
We call the act of dumping your guts & taking off ‘spraying’.
Because after all why would you stick around after that ? If it burns your eyes, it’ll burn mine as well. So just hold your breath & walk faster !
It’s traumatizing to my sensitive nerve endings, so don’t suggest to me that I should just roll with it. This is a bitch board, and I’m a bitch. I will bitch, bitch, bitch as much as my bitchy black heart desires, and then I will bitch some more. Take your stink and your hershey-squirted underpants away from me.
Don’t misunderstand, I enjoy a good ripper as much as the next person. Nothing gives me more pleasure than subjecting my husband to a S.B.D. Having said that, I don’t want some skanky shart-streaked stranger’s ass fumes giving me black lung disease.
This is very common in the aisles of the local Wally-Mart. It’s not that bothersome, really. It stinks for a bit, but it’s a normal body function. Sometimes, you can’t just hold it in.
I see another ridiculous provincial law coming.
If I ever met this woman, I’d grab her by the head, shove her face into my ass and make sure that I ate a heaping bowl of olives and garlic hours before. Then I’d fart in the bitch’s face and giggle my gassy fucking ass off.
Fuck off, wifey. Its a fucking right to fart/burp/sneeze anywhere. Stay the fuck home and bake a pie if you don’t want to deal with other people’s fumes or fluids or anything related.
As a human being, I personally do not give a flying fuck if you do not like me farting in public at the supermarkets. Neither does anyone else.
The level of self-entitlement these days is astounding.
Coming to a mall near you:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uV8boXLV0ik
Doesn’t take much to astound you, Nice Goin’ Fat! Glad I could be of service. The horrendous acts that you described doing (if you ever met me) is what we call foreplay around here. You sure know how to turn a lady’s crank.
Sweet link, TTFN. I’d hate to be the poor bastard who used the mic after that guy.
You might want to pick this up while you’re there. http://www.metacafe.com/watch/949054/the_p…
Hmmm…interesting invention BF. But “The Poop Tube” seems only appropriate for crap of the diarrheal variety. I suspect that it would clog if you’re predisposed to somewhat chunkier excrement.
Well, honestly, LW, who the fuck are you to dictate the bodily actions of those around you?
Well honestly Fat, I don’t “dictate”; merely voicing an opinion that I don’t like to smell fecal vapours. It doesn’t really make me a Nazi. What are you so worked up about? Do you like smelling flatulence? Is that your…ahem…secret kink?
It’s good to fart.
Don’t fight it.
TTFN’s dear old mam was absolutely right!
But you don’t need to utter “Ahhhhhh” while doing it, that’s over the top.
What’s the protocol on lifting a leg?
I swear the pencil-necked boss farts in high pitched dots and dashes, the anal fucker.
It’s OK to lift the leg,….it might soften the noise, but you must make the lifting look natural and part of some of the movement…..ah….no…not that kind of movement …fuck no …not in the panties! You need to sort of lean forward as to look at something better that’s further up the desk or table or pretend to be interested in something on the other side of the bar on the floor there. Then lifting is fine.
Also try to make a wee noise whilst lifting and farting, leather or that Naugahyde stuff can ofter aid in cover noise, even take the blame for louder farts that got away from you.
Remarkable sound quality and volume actually…………you know……for a half inch speaker!
Yeah Smee, it’s also good to fuck but I don’t do that in the pet-food aisle at Wal-Mart. At least, not recently.
As for protocol TTFN, my opinion is that that the leg should be lifted only in private. Kind of like air-guitar: we all enjoy doing it, but no one wants to be caught in the act. But if you have full privacy, there really isn’t anything quite so gratifying and triumphant as a good full-bodied Oooom-Paaa. Feel free to bow afterward; it’s a real accomplishment! The human body as instrument; breath-taking.
In terms of frequency, I have a tendency towards a higher pitch as well. It’s quite musical really…. you can appreciate it at a distance, but only if you don’t have to sniff the results.
Oh………….well, my farts and even my shit….well…they don’t smell.
Mine have the odor of the fresh bouquet of sulfur and goat vomit.
I’ll stop farting when the Queen and Pope do.
Like no joke, my farts smell like nothing. Ask my mom.
In any event, the WORST feeling in the world is having a fart go back up your ass. Like when it goes back up and sort of dissolves. I’d rather let it rip and face the scorn of those around me (despite the fact that they don’t smell, honest! They’re just kinda loud sometimes) than get THAT feeling.
I used to share an office with two others and as long as they were silent farts, no one would notice I”d let ’em rip whilst sitting at my desk after a hearty lunch.
Now my office mate? Frig his smelt RANCID….didn’t stop him from lettin’ ’em rip after lunch. Sometimes we’d have to evacuate the office and find new places to work. Frig.
hey!
nice going…fat tehe
Did you have to? Damn, my mouth was open and everything….
I know what brimstone smell like and that ain’t no brimstone.
The key is to let just enough out to release the clamp… then push like you’re delivering quintuplets all at once.
Truly Silent but Violent.
Some people have digestive systems that don’t always function perfectly… I know when I eat red meat and rich foods or have a little too much beer I have freakishly painful stomach cramps that can only be releived by lettin’ out a few of those SBDs. And if I happen to leave one somewhere and you stumble upon it, my deepest sympathies… but it had to be done.
Yeah, yeah…. I’m lactose intolerant and when I eat ice cream I feel like I got a combination of hot air balloon and Rosemary’s Baby clawing it’s way out. So I sympathize with digestive problems.
And I agree, it’s a totally natural and sometimes enjoyable thing to release a bit of gas. Likewise, it’s totally natural to take a shit, but I don’t do that in public. Nor do I masturbate, give oral sex, pick my nose, sniff my toenail cheese, etc. in public locales. At least not where people can see me.
The only reason people have to cut the cheese in a store is if they’re too lazy to go to a toilet, or that they actually enjoy subjecting others to their gently passing winds. To those I say: take your stale shit cloud elsewhere.
The problem for me is that it takes a good hour of tootin’ to get rid of that Rosemary’s Baby feeling and, really, who has the time to spend an hour in the bathroom just to save your nose a little bit of grief? It’s not going to kill you and it’s certainly not akin to taking a dump in the middle of the cereal aisle (’cause someone would have to clean that shit up!)
It’s not like I’m lettin’ ‘er go when I’m on an elevator or in someone else’s office (when I know someone is going to have to smell it)… I think it’s fairly innocent to let out yer toots in public when no one else is nearby. If someone happens to round the bend at the wrong time, then that’s just some bad luck.
“It’s traumatizing to my sensitive nerve endings, so don’t suggest to me that I should just roll with it. This is a bitch board, and I’m a bitch. I will bitch, bitch, bitch as much as my bitchy black heart desires, and then I will bitch some more. Take your stink and your hershey-squirted underpants away from me.
Don’t misunderstand, I enjoy a good ripper as much as the next person. Nothing gives me more pleasure than subjecting my husband to a S.B.D. Having said that, I don’t want some skanky shart-streaked stranger’s ass fumes giving me black lung disease.”
The kitchen called… come back.
The last thing I want to do when I’m in horrible digestive pain is to go shopping. I mean, seriously? Do people actually say to themselves: “I feel a turtle head poking out, think I’ll go see what Winners has on sale!”? For God’s sake, do yourself (and me) a favour and lie (or sit) down until it settles.
As for “innocence”, it’s probably not on par with, say, running away with millions of investment dollars of retirees. But still, it irks. Kinda like when you sit on a toilet and get mystery moisture on your arse. It probably won’t kill you, but EW!
The pain is never immediate and I can almost never predict if it’s going to happen it all… I’m not going to let this thing run my life, lady! I gotta get my groceries whether I had a big steak for supper or not…
So Pretty Kitty, I called your Mom and your story about having scent-free farts checks out…..so yeah…….keep up the good work, I guess.
Everyone else, keep your nasty trumpet blasts to a minimum. Or at least hand out clothespins to unfortunate passersby.
ugh working in a drug store is the worst! Old people with their depends, and colostomy bags, you think FARTS are bad? Try consoling ma kettle after her bag breaks and lets the liquid poo leak all over her, and the smell is so bad you just wanna wretch! But you can’t wretch because you have to be nice about it because thats your job!
Haha….hillarious. Carry a can of Febreeze and spray the stinky people.
we have a can behind the counter just for that
No shit!
oh, nuthin better than droppin the ol “air bisquit”
The worst is on the bus….at least in an aisle you can walk away…but on the bus it lingers until someone opens the window….meanwhile everyone just stares at each other with suspicious eyes….and those are the early morning SBD’s!
Two little fuckers dropped bombs in my store today. I saw them rushing down (ironically) the TP aisle, smirking and laughing. I thought, hmm what are they up to? Well, it became obvious when suddenly my nostrils stung and I almost puked in my mouth. The stink even followed me to the stockroom and my co-workers almost puked in their mouths a little bit. Thanks goodness for those febreeze cans we had. They saved our lives, and our lunch,