I can almost forgive you, unknown left-wing pumpkin-smasher

To the foul miscreant who smashed nearly all of the jack-o-lanterns the night before Halloween that my roommates had so lovingly carved: As you are picking up someone’s beloved jack-o-lantern and throwing it purposelessly on the pavement like a senseless ape, does it ever occur to you that someone has put a lot of time and effort into creating these Halloween decorations whose only purpose is to make people happy and share the joy of Halloween with the neighborhood? My roommate spent over an hour perfecting her jack-o-lantern–she was so so proud that she sent photos to her parents. My roommates and I agree that if we ever discover your identity, we’re going to pelt you with rotten, stinking pumpkin guts and you’ll have to walk home covered in wretched slime, ashamed of your childish, pathetic existence. I do, however, wish to bring up the fact that the only pumpkin you didn’t smash was mine. I carved HARPER into the pumpkin because, unlike traditional scary jack-o-lantern faces, Harper truly instills fear in my predominantly NDP neighborhood. I like to imagine you standing over the remains of my friends’ pumpkins and thinking, “Yeah, fuck Harper. This pumpkin stays.” —I still hate you though, punk-ass bitch

This article appears in Oct 29 – Nov 4, 2015.