Greetings. I am an American – you know, that country due south that acts as a buffer between y’all and Mexico.
I have been obsessed with Canada since the early 80’s when my hometown Flyer’s battled those pesky Edmonton Oilers. For some reason a fascination developed, which was further compounded when I started reading Gordon Korman books – oh those crazy kids at Macdonald Hall…and those loose girls over at Scrimage’s!!
Well, here’s my bitch: Why do you Canadians get to have it so good? You people are more decent, trustworthy, and intelligent than the citizens of my country. We protect you from world dangers, but we’re completely messed-up these days.
You guys are just sitting up there with your syrup, Molsons and hockey sticks aloof to real violence and chaos.
How come you guys get the good life, and I have to live in freakin New Jersey? I visited Nova Scotia in the mid-1990’s, and it was just wonderful. I didn’t even have any drugs, and I didn’t care, which is amazing. I want in on what y’all have. Although, your pizza was severely lacking. Dudes, Pizza Delight sucks. Anyways, I hope that some nice folks will consider adopting me. I’m 44-years-old and I’m totally housebroken. —Paddington Jetty Bear
This article appears in Sep 29 – Oct 5, 2016.
Are you gay?
Woah Winston, speak for yourself there buddy.
I’ll trade my Canadian passport for an American one any day.
I’ll trade places, maybe not to Jersey and at least until people wake up and vote Trudork out of office.
Methinks, nah, I’m not gay. Sorry to disappoint you. Actually, I totally have a thang for Canadian girls. Almost cohabitated with an Edmonton girl, but Kasser’s Premium Vodka runied that. Jeez, I almost moved to Edmonton. I don’t do non-coastal areas as I shralp the New Jersey close-outs. Man, youse guys have point breaks. I don’t have no point breaks. And shucks probably only ten of y’all can actually surf. Rob Kelly shreds Nino Mancos.
Winston? What are you talking aboot, Willis, eh(that was the Canadian Arnold Jackson…from the American TV show Different Strokes.)
Oh, yeah, you guys don’t really create good television besides those Degrassi shows and The Trailer Park Boys.
And to y’all who want to be American: You fools. Yeah, you could hang in sissy places like Wyoming and stuff, but y’all would be afeared in the populated areas. Like, we’re all up-in-your-faces in my area, eh. And our impoverished folks are much more angry than any dude in Uniake, or some native in Edmonton. I’ve been to the West Edmonton Mall. I know.
Man, youse guys don’t know what you have up there. Don’t y’all have moose and shit up there? Your MacDonald’s are better than ours, and that’s just dang paradoxical. What’s more American than MacDonald’s? And youse guys do it better. Of course, your MacDonalds aren’t staffed by 2 Live Crew.
I’m disappointed that some of you don’t dig Canada. Y’all wouldn’t make it down here. Jeez, youse guys don’t even have Mexicans, Puerto Ricans or Dominicans, and are afraid of natives. You should see what we did to our natives. We just totally destroyed them and stuck them in God forsaken places like South Dakota(is that really a place?).
South Dakota?
I’ll trade citizenship. That Trudeau dude would be accommodating, and if we do it quick Obama won’t care, as he is over-it-all.
Who orders pizza from Pizza Delight?? EWWWWWW
“Jeez, youse guys don’t even have Mexicans, Puerto Ricans or Dominicans…” – What is your point here?
“…and are afraid of natives.” – Who is afraid of them?
So you want to move here because there are no Mexicans, Puerto Ricans or Dominicans? Please elaborate (comments closed in 3, 2, 1… LOL). Besides isn’t your next president (fingers crossed) supposed to build a wall for that?
Winston is a commenter who had written something before me deriding Canadians but his comment was deleted (which is annoying). That’s who I was speaking to.
I can’t make sense out of much else in this thread so I’m going to leave it here. I’ve nothing against Americans but this person (American or otherwise) is obviously yanking your beaver tails. Wise up, folks.
Cheers
Holst: I ain’t yanking anyone’s chain, beaver or not. I dig Canada. Why the heck else would I be on a Nova Scotian publication’s website. Do you realize that many Americans don’t even know where Nova Scotia is? I’m serious.
We really aren’t that bright these days, especially concerning geography. There’s too many dumb hicks in America and people who want the Leave it to Beaver-era to return. We have a candidate for president who is a complete buffoon and he may win. That should tell y’all something. The dude’s like a 13-year-old girl on social media. And he may win. He’s a genius now because he scams on his federal taxes, as if he does his own tax returns. Yeah, pretty sure he has accountants do his taxes for him. Pretty sure, eh.
I mean, I still read Gordon Korman books. It gets me into a “Canadian” frame of mind. Just love those Macdonald Hall kids.
If you have trouble comprehending any of my messages feel free to ax me any questions and I will explain. I’m very patient with Canadians.
You know what I don’t like aboot Canada? Drake. I wish you guys would take him back. Not only is he without any musical talent, he now acts like an American gangster.
Oh, and stop calling “soda,” “pop.” Thank you.
I was in Portland Maine a couple years ago and asked a clerk at a gas station if he could tell me the best way to get to the I95 using a map on the wall (of the town). He stared at it like it was written in some alien language and had no idea LOL. I always had my doubts about the geography stereotype until then.
yeah drake does suck btw
You sir, are an idiot
“Aboot” – Really – Fuck Off IDIOT. ooooPS . I am Canadian. I should have said “Please Fuck Off IDIOT”
The Other Safety Guy:
Wow, that hurt, dude.
I challenge you to see who is an idiot. I will watch Jeopardy – hosted by a Canadian – with you, and we will see who is the “idiot.”
“Canadians” for $800, Alex…
This Nova Scotian idiot posts hurtful messages on The Coast website’s “Bitch” section…
Who is The Other Safety Guy…
Right you are, Paddington, choose again
LOL ROFL BRB YOLO LMAO BRB
I call BS on the bear’s passport.
Oh Noes – some diversity hating potential Trump supporter got triggered by my original comment. And the hairy-toed Birkenstock of regressive fascism continues to tread heavily upon the sacred land of Turd Island.
Like your style, Paddy. Keep it coming.
Sorry haters, dislike all you want to but fast food in America is much better than Canada. For $20 you can eat until you puke and still bring home 8 apple turnovers. If a Carl Jr’s ever opens in NS I may reconsider my original statement but the price, quality and quantity is much better down south! Everything else, culture, violence, etc. Who cares? Bring on the burgers!
This… is the most hilarious post I’ve ever read on here!
I’m starting a movement!
#bringpaddingtontocanadaeh
(:
We likes syrup, ya’ll.
Oh, City Mouse, you call BS on my passport?
Meaning?
What, you think I am not American?
Trust me, honey, I’m American as cricket, cherry pie and poutine.
Wow, see I played cricket to baseball; cherry pie to apple pie; and poutine to french fries. That was absolutely amazing.
Nah, but seriously, I am American. Born in beautiful Philadelphia, PA. There’s a whole lot of crack in the Liberty Bell, but we seal it with a mixture of smack and PCP.
Then I resided in Yeadon, PA; Somers Point, NJ; Dallas, TX(yuck); Louisville, TX(Yuck); Atlanta, GA; Roswell, GA; Thousand Oaks, CA; and then back to Marlton, NJ when I was 13-years-old. So, yeah, like that west coast fraud Tu Pac – I got around. My American status is heavy.
Then later in life I also did stints in Worcester, MA; Corolla, NC and Virginny. Kicking it back in Jersey, these days, as it is such a lovely place. On your next vacation consider Camden, NJ they have an aquarium. And a battleship…..
So, I think my U.S. cred is tight. I even been to Alabama.
We keep everything on the DL and the public oblivious 🙂
No one cares so everyone’s happy!
Out of sight, out of mind so to speak 🙂