I adopted you 3 shitrats about 4 years ago, in that time you’ve had a diet of the best food available, and God forbid I miss your 3 times daily treats and how do you repay me? Multiple piles of steaming, or baked puke, depending on how soon I discover your fucking paybacks. In the morning when I roll out of the fartsack, you little scamps circle me like a pack of coyotes until I hurry the fuck up and give you your treats. I go to the basement and clean out your litter box, that is always cleaned and changed on a regular basis. This is where I go on walkabout trying to find your latest hawked up landmines. If I find your throat candy and manage to catch your eye, you just give me that old “so, what are you gonna do about it numbnuts?” look. How can the cat food manufacturers have the temerity to label the food ‘Hairball Control’? I don’t want any misunderstandings here, I love the little black haired moggies, but please girls can’t we come to an agreement? —Cat Ballou

This article appears in Feb 17-23, 2011.

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45 Comments

  1. Reply

  2. My dude is suffering at the moment too. 2 lovely packages of deliciousness on my living room floor this week. He’s a good boy though, always in the same spot so I never “find” them hiding. He’s shedding like crazy, it’s to be expected, I guess.

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  4. Try feeding them medi cal’s gastro instead, OP. I used to have the worst time with barfed up hairballs and food with my two while they were on hairball formula, and then I switched them to gastro because of my girlie’s IBS, and they haven’t hacked up any lung butter since.

    PS: the girlie’s eating again 🙂 She lost a whole pound this past month and is skin and bones, but after her steroid shot for her mouth she’s craving food again and is gobbling up her food in the morning 🙂 This makes me a very happy mommy!

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  5. Even a very quick brush, once a week or two will drastically reduce hairballs. Get one of those rubber type brushes, it really reduces the amount of underfur they are eating. As for the hairball food, I have no knowledge or opinion, but it doesn’t sound to be working. Nothing like that cold smushy feeling underfoot when ya get up in the morning eh?

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  8. You need a cat psychologist. I think your cats have issues.

    Have you tried letting them watch Dr. Phil in the afternoons?

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  9. There’s actually a disorder, ralmn where people become addicted to eating their own hair. There was this show I saw on TLC where this chick was almost bald from ripping her hair out strand by strand and eating it and was told she’d end up with intestinal blockages…There was also this lady who was addicted to eating TOILET PAPER…another couldn’t stop eating laundry soap powder!

    So maybe that unfortunate soul in that picture has the hair-eating disorder? *shudder*

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  10. I say try that gastro food PK suggested or call the vet for a recommendation. Also brushing does help, what doesn’t is when they hate being brushed.. My guy likes the lint roller brush, sounds silly, I know, but it’s surprisingly efficient and he doesn’t mind it.. When it comes to cat, the less dramatic something has to be, the better..

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  11. OP, I can understand. I have three kitties, one has always been a puker. We have him on special food which seems to help.

    Have you tried the furminator: http://www.furminator.com/

    You can pick it up at pet places and the local hardware store. It does cost $20-$40, but is worth it. Helps with the shedding.

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  13. There’s one about a chick who sleeps with her hairdryer every night…with it on :|

    Apparently she’s burnt herself in her sleep before :O

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  14. wow, i thought i was weird. i’m only obsessed with the number three㊴. we were able to vacum one of our cats^^

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  17. It’s otay, PG: I have an obsession with small appliances being unplugged before I go to bed/go out…and I check my alarm clock like 50 times before I turn in.

    And symmetry…I’m oddly obsessed with symmetry.

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  19. Do yourself a favor.
    Twist their little heads 360 degrees.
    1 twist for each of them.
    Problem solved.
    It works, I’ve done it a number of times.
    But for christ’s sake don’t you dare put them in a bag & drown the vermin…you get in trouble for that !

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  21. I didn’t wait paingirl….I just got to it.
    I’ve never been able to get my head around having shitting, puking, shedding machines inside your home !
    I remember being on the family farm as a kid, there were cats out by/in the barn. But they had a job to do, they kept down the mice & rats, voles & other vermin.
    When we moved to the city, mum decided to take a stray in , it was the first of several. I never did like them.
    And please don’t come here ragging at me about how clean & wonderful your fleabag is.
    If it shits in a home & doesn’t flush…pukes hairballs on the floors & furniture…it’ll never be welcome inside mine -period-

    Beware of people who dislike cats -Irish Proverb

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  23. My little furman is quite unique… you can hear him hacking something up every now and then but he never actually pukes it out. It sounds like it just makes it to his mouth only for him to instantly swallow it again and lick his lips. The only thing he actually threw up was a hair elastic.

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  25. cats and hairballs go together. did you ever see the pic of the 3 pounder, honked up by a big persian cat in the u.s.? i will try to find it and post it. if true, it was a fine specimen, of hairball.i saw it a few months back, on the m.s.n. front page news stories.

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  27. and i liked the tlc one, that had buddy living with a rubber doll, full sized, non sexual one. fuck, some people are fucking banonkers.

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  30. Cute cartoon Painey, and so true. Kule FM just played Ra-Ra-Rasputin by Boney-M and I’m having some serious PTSD 1979 flashbacks. Might just make it through the day afterall. Woof Woof

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  33. 1. Brush your cats. Get a grooming mitt if they don’t like a brush. Mine come running for their grooming.

    2. Hartz makes a hairball remedy that works wonders and its cheap and cats love it. Available in the grocery store, costs ~$5, and made with glycerin and malt. Two centimetre strip (per cat once a week) on your finger and the cats will fight to lick it off. Do not give it to them near meal time or it will impede the absorption of their food.

    3. Feed your cats each a sardine a day (packed in water). Yes they smell terrible, but after a month your cats’ coats will be like silk, their stomachs will be healthier, and they will shed a little less. No Frills or Costco are the cheapest places to buy sardines.

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  34. Thanks for all the advice; have already bought some $18 a bag cat food and a brush with retracting teeth, $38 for both that could’ve been invested wisely at the NSLC.

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  35. What brand, B&B? The stuff i feed my kitties is around $30 and only lasts me a couple weeks 🙁 Plus they get cans of the stuff too — only 1/3 a day, so that’s not so bad…

    Expensive little furballs…but worth it 🙂

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  36. A 3.5 lb bag of Hills Science Diet – bought at Global in BLIP.
    The scamps love the food, but the brush isnt going too well, this might because I’m somewhat lubricated and they know it – cunning little schweinhunds…
    I’m thinking of putting away Mr. nice guy voice and adopting a Basil Fawlty tone……

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  39. Hills Science Diet is not so good for kitty – too high levels of corn and cellulose being the big issues. Corn offers no nutritional value to cats and dogs – it’s filler. Felines and canines are carnivores and need to be fed with this in mind. Too much cellulose is not great either; see this article’s “Diet for hairballs” section: http://www.catsofaustralia.com/hairballs-c….

    We’ve been feeding our kittehs a Canadian product called Wholesome Blend (http://207.158.34.184/feline-plus-1304-prd…) and sardines. Not perfect, but as close as we can get for now.

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  40. It always makes my spidey senses tingle when I see cat and dog food that boasts about how they put organic veggies and grains and rice and blahblah in it. Cats and dogs are carnivores. They need PROTEIN. The first ingredient should be actual protein — not carb and not a “meal” like chicken meal, for example.

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  42. I agree with Hugo and should have written “mostly” carnivores. The ability to synthesize Vitamin C and other vitamins/minerals from meat sets them apart from sourcing these from fruits and vegetables like humans, but they still do eat plants in the wild.

    For kittehs with hairball problems 1tbsp of pumpkin puree (not pumpkin pie mix – big difference) will help pass hairballs. All but the fussiest of cats will eat pumpkin, just don’t give them too much or they’ll poop their brains out – pumpkin is a fibre bomb. Too much fibre also causes their stomaches and intestines to bleed. This is why small amounts of cellulose (plant fibre) are ok, but when it’s close to the beginning of the ingredients list it is not good, especially coupled with corn.

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