I work in a relatively large place, and am tired of seeing women of all ages reach into their boulder holders to get their phones out. Put it in your massive purse, your pocket or anywhere else. It is not appropriate for me to adjust my package when it shifts during transport, why is this a different story. I am tired of seeng you fluffing your pillows to answer a call, if it is cold, do you titty dial people? Come on, really though. Buy a fucking fanny pack, purse, or hold your phone in your hand. — It’s not a freaking Phone Booth

This article appears in Nov 7-13, 2013.

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41 Comments

  1. Reply

  2. My daughter got an iphone 5 for xmas last year and asked for an otter box….i said what the hell is an otter box as she laughed watching smoke come out my ears trying to figure that out. Lol

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  3. Well, I have never witnessed any females put their phone in their saggy baggies …. but I don’t work at Walmart so it’s a safe bet that I never will.

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  5. This bitch is pretty good but even more hilarious if you read it after reading Ivan’s comment. I say we push for that to be another use for the term “otter box”! LMAO

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  6. Well JG, I’m jiggy that that. If we can only get Montrealman on board, it stands a pretty good chance.

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  9. Klyde – we’re trying to get him to replace the “L” word >; )

    “Magnificent Otter Box”
    It sings.

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  11. lol Ivan, that’s how I took it too….can you hashtag it–#otterbox….maybe if it’s used enough it will be inducted into the contemporary urban dictionary 😛

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  12. I would imagine mm will get all semantic on us and assert that #otterBOX would only describe the vaginal VAULT, and not the Georgia okeefe shutters. and he is a shutter-bug.

    but I really really like the idea of the new term for a honey pot.

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  17. TT – every time I see you at a Summit I fully expect to hear Amelia Earhart calling out from your decolletage “Forget about me; find my Goddam luggage” Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk.

    Speaking of which – Hay Fearless Leader – Summit Soon?

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  19. Just riffin’ here, Ivanski, but I do recall an American game show in the 1970s that actually gave away Amelia Earhart luggage – never failed to crack me up. Yep, endorsed just before her final flight.

    Keep this up, young man, and I’ll be pitching out dead baby and leprosy jokes. Or the Helen Keller jokes – how do you punish HK? Rearrange the furniture (followed by brief drum beat and a cymbal). I’d better quit or my politically correct brethren will be verbally clubbing me like a teary-eyed baby seal.

    Yesterday I found a pair of nail clippers and a 2HB pencil under the Jello Twins. I’m actually considering a reduction if they don’t stop stealing my junk. You heard me, you two! Now stop slithering to the floor – STAMP! STAMP! STAMP! As you know, you can’t nail down Jello.

    I second your emotion on a Summit. In the meantime I will be mulling over my download of the recently released tome: ’50 Years of Dr. Who’.

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  21. Considering what we hear about electronics sometimes affecting areas of the human body this could become more of an issue down the road for folks hiding phones in bras. That may not be the best spot for electronics considering breast cancer rates. Also, it would just look ‘crass’ to see someone digging into their bra – basically their underwear – in a public venue, such as the workplace, for a phone, for crying out loud. Is there no decorum at all left in some people? Oddly the more urban we become the more it seems that many were raised in a pig sty. Can you just picture a dude reaching into his skivvies for a ringing phone, answering the thing then saying ‘it’s for you’ as he hands the phone over to someone?

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  22. Bahawhawhaw, GDM – are you missing anything else? I’ll report on it after the next Jello dive.

    Dartguy, I agree with you 100% on electronics next to the ol’ bod. Who the fuck knows what that kind of exposure will do after years of using one’s arm pit as a phone cradle?

    I can see the future Apple pitches now: ‘iPhone 12 with Sweat Guard’.

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  23. In all seriousness….I’m waiting to see PK, TT and Painey throw olives at Ivanski and see if he can catch them with the otter box

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  24. Just lost it here, Klyde. The rest of the Morlocks in the warehouse think my little choo choo has chugged right round the twist.

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  27. YES SUMMIT SOON. I’m working on it.

    I’m going on a bender this weekend, so this Sunday’s out.

    Stay tuned, fuckfaces! <3

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  28. We beseech our fearless leader to commence operation Summit. Ivan will sound the alarm bell and lead an aerial assault (F-14 Tomcat no less) on all parties to alert them to be prepared when the call of duty arrives. PK, enjoy the bender.

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  29. Certainly a cell phone is well protected there as opposed to rubbing up against a set of keys in a purse.
    To show you how hip and with it I am, not only have I heard of the OtterBox, I know it’s one word.

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  31. RSVPS

    : Sharpe Dressed Ivan (11/13/ 10:13AM )

    I must say that I see considerable denotative difference between my “magnificent labia” and the awkward “magnificent otterbox.” Indeed, it seems to me that while congruent concepts at first glance, on reflection the latter does suggest an entry, an opening into, while the former does not. I trust that this distinction will dissolve your intellectual cramps on this matter.

    : Klyde (10:55AM)

    I think the magnificent labia should be ON the otterbox rather than in it, unless the female concerned suffered a horribly disfiguring accident.

    : Sharpe Dressed Ivan (11:42AM)

    Nothing, but nothing, will ever replace those “magnificent labia”!

    : Good dog Molly (12:22PM)

    You’re absolutely right Good dog. The otter box clearly denotes the vaginal vault and not the Georgia O’Keefe shutters. I find the vaginal vault a bit too visceral whereas the shutters are things of magnificent beauty. Did Georgia paint the shutters? Can you post it? This is very exciting.

    : Sharpe Dressed Ivan (12:22PM)

    Your assertion that I shall be a “complete #otterbox about it” suggests that the two concepts are completely incongruent. I suppose the usage, “he’s going to be a complete magnificent labia about it” might be coherent, but, semantically speaking, I find it cumbersome and unattractive.

    Good dog Molly (12:24PM)

    Right again Good dog! An “ottertail” must be sharply distinguished from an “otterbox” although, on occasion, they are definitely congruent. Indeed, they are, if only momentarily, as one.

    : Klyde (12:29PM)

    No Klyde, “overvag” misses the mark. See my reply to Good dog (12:22PM)

    Well chaps, I think this has been a very useful semantic discussion. However, I am sure all will agree that my “magnificent labia” have remained denotatively uncontested. They and the “otterbox,” while contingently related and even anatomically contiguous, occupy distinct ontological positions.

    Thank you for your patience and understanding.

    A pleasure as always.

    Cheerio!

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  32. Told you he’d be a complete #otterbox.

    Let’s see if we can get him to start referring to his diddleywick as The Purple Carrot.

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  33. The newest hit to top the charts ” Sharp Dressed Purple Carrot ” by MontrealMan wearing his famous ascot (naturally) ft. his Magnificent Labia Otterbox Orchestra. Get your copy today. Sorry, ZZ TOP….you have nothing on MM.

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