To the person(s) who decided to go into my back yard and steal 2 planters in the last day or so, thanks a lot… I was a week away from my lilies blooming, something I was really looking forward to. I also cannot afford to replace the planters which do not come cheap. I know I shouldn’t be surprised by the quality of some people out there these days, but it’s still pretty low. Thanks for making today suck, and thanks for taking one of the pleasures of summer away from me. —Missing My Garden Already

This article appears in Jul 21-27, 2011.

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22 Comments

  1. What kind of idiot would steal someone’s lilies?

    Vegetables I can understand. That’s why the home field of my urban farm is safely ensconced behind two rows of concertina wire and booby-trapped with claymores. The garden paths are also rigged with ‘bouncing bettys’ – take a man’s nuts right off.

    If that doesn’t do the trick, I have trenches dug around the perimeter at the bottom of which are planted clusters of sharpened sticks smeared with the feces of wandering cats and dogs. These produce a very nasty wound which turns septic almost immediately.

    I learned a thing or two from Charlie don’t ya know.

    OP I can email a copy of the manual to you if you’re interested.

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  2. Oh come on, Farmer Bob. Any hard-core revolutionary knows that human night-soil produces the worst infected wounds. Show some radical street cred., comrade.
    Now, before I return to “Considering the lilies”, full points for the Earle reference. Although, I prefer “Johnny Come Lately” from that album.

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  3. it’s a good think your spare, emergency house key wasn’t under one…

    Lily’s are nice… but they’re no corpse flower…
    I doubt I’ll ever get to see one of those massive suckers in bloom….
    🙁

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  5. Ivan,

    I’ll take the suggestion of ‘human night soil’ under consideration.

    “Johnny Come Lately” is a good tune. I considered “Copperhead Road” more appropriate in the context of my grow-op.

    I have tickets to Earle in September. It will be a good night.

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  6. OP. Place poison ivy in planters or another toxic varity of plant that would irritate human skin.
    Or maybe hand grenades (in the planter) fastened with fishing wire anchored to the ground.
    It’s what McGyver would have done.

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  8. OP, most garden centers have everything on clearance now….some up to 75% off. Maybe you can find some replacement planters. By the way, where do you live?

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  9. I’ve had the pleasure of seeing Mr. Earle three times… hoping to make it a fourth in Sept. The Copperhead Road reference actually made me excited lol!

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  10. hay sweet thang, we saw nina hagen in toronto…see ya i’m gonna go listen to her

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  11. nina hagen?..she frightened me..and i like scary chicks ie: siouxie sioux and wendy o williams 🙂

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  12. Remember the clothes pins Wendy use to wear Marty? Take THAT Lady Gaga! I got one of the leads in a musical in high-school with my best rendition of “New York City” complete with screeching and rolling around on the floor– good times!

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  15. I’m so lost right now.
    Earle, Hagen… Copperhead…

    absolutely no idea what the hell y’all are talking about.

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  20. Your last link, zed reminded me of a story my dad told me.

    In the 1960s he and his band were booked to be on Ed Sullivan but were bumped by a dog act.

    🙁

    He DID do American Bandstand, though, and their single reached 13 on the charts! ^_^

    I’d link the youtube vid, but then I’d end up revealing my identity and we can’t have that.

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