To the numb asshole that had a shit explosion all over the public restroom the other day: WTF!!!!
It actually looked like someones bowels had a temper-tantrum and reared out 40 tacos, donair chunks and SALSA JUICE EVERYWHERE. MmmMmMm!! My mouth is watering!! Like a waterfall! Fortunately enough I recoiled just in time to slip on the convenient puddle of shat drippings you left behind.
Lovely Sir/Ma’am, I don’t know what lies inside your cavernous bowels, or how much bile your liver makes, or if you illegally eat dogs, but I swear to magladena if this happens again I will personally order my own DNA kit from Overstock.com (better than ebay), gather a sample of your poop at ground zero, *-ahem-* SUMMON MY VOODOO POWERS, and make you constipated for the rest of YO LYFE.
Forgive me, anonymous, if I sound foreboding. Maybe afterwards we can discuss game theory and play Uno, and when you lose I get to keep your cat.
*shiver*
P.S. Coast,
No, I do not intend to carry out my plans. Perhaps in my dreams. Please do not call the police.
—Dino
This article appears in Sep 17-23, 2009.
I can sympathize, Dino. My workplace’s toilet, which is public, often has a large puddle of mysterious liquid around it. I don’t even know what it is, really – it doesn’t reek of piss, per se, but it certainly is yucky. Not as yucky as poo though 😛
I was wondering recently what exactly is is that could cause these shit-smears that people encounter (I’ve never seen one myself). I figure maybe it’s some super-fat person who gets shit all over their hand when they try to wipe themselves and then they use the wall to help themselves up because there is no handicapped bar. Or something. And then they don’t bother to wipe off the wall because….they are a bad person.
Another vague theory is that it’s one of these people who squat on top of the toilet seat, and they have bowel movements of such force that the poop bounces up out of the toilet and sticks to the wall. I DUNNO.
Any other theories? Besides mental illness?
or, it could be someone, who has indeed got the runs. this is the time of year for it. i know this for a fact, because for almost 2 weeks, i have had it.it isn’t a nice thing to be someplace,and then, all of a sudden you have to literally run for the can. it iss something that can’t be helped. so lighten the hell up on this person. it could be your turn next.
I avoid using public bathrooms like the plague. No one should ever have to walk into anything like that. How hard is it to stick up an out of order sign and call the janitor if you can’t flush the toliet or it overflows? Its so freaking rude to leave shit and other grossness in the toliet for other people to find.
“numb asshole”: LOL probably was, given your description of the eruption…
Maybe they have IBS.
Are you sure this wasn’t a NSCAD exhibit? Sounds like it should be titled ‘Firey Feces and Its Final Fury’.
hahahahahahahaha, Dino you are a very good descriptive writer … too bad it had to be about “salsa chunks”.
LIFESUCKS, no wonder your life sucks and you can’t seem to master the use of the space bar, if you’ve been suffering the last 2 weeks with the back-door-trots. That’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
I don’t think Dino was complaining (correct me if wrong) about the fact that someone did it. But that fact that they left it behind. Clean up after yourself or call the janitor with an anonomous tip.
Last time I went to Toronto I went into the can after I got off my flight at pearson and someone had the accident of all accidents — there were shit foot prints ALL OVER THE BATHROOM and panties soaked in liquid shit on the floor in one of the stalls….I was told not to look in the stall because apparently the shit was splattered everywhere. WHY the bathroom itself wasn’t closed, is beyond me — they just put a “wet floor” sign up…gee thanks.
Seriously: SHIT FOOT PRINTS EVERYWHERE (even on the carpet outside the bathroom walking away.
I understand some people can have accidents from having the runs, but…if you sit your ass on the can, and your ass cheeks form a seal with the toilet seat then how the hell does shit end up all over the walls of the stall? I could see the floor, maybe but….the sides of the stalls?