I like to help my friends out. If asked for help I generally go out of my way to help them and even if not asked I like to help out where I can. I’m not trying to talk myself up, that’s just a fact.
I recently have helped one certain friend a lot [ie. cooked some dinners, lent my car (and gas) for an airport run and beach day, helped her move… ] Now I don’t expect any compensation, I volunteered of my own accord, but I recently asked this friend to water my plants while I’m away and if I could borrow some shampoo. She was unwilling to help me out both times. I have to admit, this really pisses me off. How can people take so much and never give? Am I out of line to be annoyed, because other then her seeming to be selfish she really is a great person?
—Helper but not helped
This article appears in Aug 6-12, 2009.
OP, you sound like a great person, but you also sound like someone your friends can take advantage of. I wouldn’t call someone who wouldn’t water your plants a friend (unless they either had previous plans and wouldn’t be around to do it, or they generally kill plants a lot). As for not giving up some shampoo, I really don’t know. That seems kinda lame. Bottom line is, if your friends don’t want to give back, you might want to keep it in mind the next time they ask a favour. See what happens when you say no.
Different levels of friendship, is all. What people are willing to do for other people varies, and that extends into friendships.
It’s not like every friend you have has to be someone who’ll help you out or be there for you through thick or thin. If you’ve got one or two people like that you’re doing pretty good, actually. Everyone else you’ll just have to learn through experience what they’re good for in terms of favours and/or help, when needed. Many won’t be good for anything – that’s just human nature.
Sounds to me like this one friend is good to be with on a rather superficial social level. Keep it to that. Don’t do them any favours and don’t expect any. Based on what you said it sounds like they never actually asked for your help anyhow. Don’t bother freely volunteering any in future…not to this individual.
Stop offering or volunteering, pal. If people really need your help, they’ll ask for it – like you had the decency to at least do.
Its when you ask (and what type of response you receive) that then you’ll be able to distinguish befriend friends and pigeons.
Thanks for the comments. I just wanted to correct my comment about the friend being selfish, it’s really not the right word. She just doesn’t think the way I do.
At one point in your life, you will weed people like this from your life. For now, all favours for her are off the table. Don’t be a sucker.
I had friends like that. I stopped talking to them.
This happends to me alot too
seems as if we are door mats
I’ve been there and done that. As NGF suggested, you need to stop volunteering to do things for people. You can be a good friend and not get taken advantage of. It’s hard to find the right balance when your nature is to be kind and giving but you need to reign yourself in or people who are by nature predatory and selfish will walk all over you. If you stop catering to their needs all the time they will get the hint, if not stop talking to them.
You’re only a doormat because you’ve CHOSEN to be a doormat.