Maybe all I did was just survive because I was living with a soul-sucking,egomaniac. Hey.. I wasn’t always a picnic. I always nursed you back to health when you were ill. I took care of your poor neglected dog and home. I did this because I loved you. At the same time I was battling a diease and trying to help raise my nephew. Give you a chance! Everytime you had a temper tantrum over NOTHING or acted like you had the right to cut me down while alone AND in front of others and I didn’t kick your skinny ass for it ..I took you back. How long can someone live like that and not loose themselves entirely. After my first meeting for my “problem” ..who is sitting there when I got home stoned and having a beer. GIVE ME BREAK.. go write another done wrong song and GET OVER YOURSELF!!! You are a grown man that acts like you are entitled to behave any which way you want. Your public persona is well crafted but your manners in real life are sorely lacking. Even so I love you and I wish you well. Just be nice…not because it will grease the wheels but because EVERYONE deserves to be treated well from the cashier the rings in your purchases to the man holding the construction sign on the side of the road that you screamed at. Being mean causes cancer of the soul and this kind of cancer spreads around the globe. I made a mistake…I was crafty getting out and I outright lied to you. For this I am sorry…for everything else..what can I do about it now but move on and wish you well. I wish you well.
This article appears in Apr 24-30, 2008.
You are not a victim. You chose to be with a guy that you should’ve known was no good. If he can’t take proper care of a dog, it stands to reason that he is shitty when it comes to relationships and other facets of life.I believe that part of you doesn’t understand why he treated you this way. The reason is he is an asshole, and why should he treat you well when he can treat you like shit and you (and many others) will still bend over backwards for him?Not everyone deserves to be treated nicely. If Joe Blow treats others like shit, then Joe Blow deserves be treated like shit. Likewise, if a nice person settles for a person that treats them like shit, then the “nice person” deserves to be treated badly. Try setting some friggin standards for the people you date.I find too many people live in the “land of should”. Yeah, he should’ve treated you well ( i mean that), he should’ve been a real man and taken care of you, but he is just not that type of guy, he is no good. Why do people knowingly choose to date scum, do everything they can to make the scum happy, and then they are shocked when the scum continues to be scum? I mean, if you gave your dog a treat everytime he shit on the rug, would you be surprised if he kept doing it? Why do people keep rewarding shitty behaviour, yet expect it to stop?
agreed….i love how someone blames the other person for the way they react or do something that offends, and never stop think, “what about me is not enough to prevent my lover from doing these things? How can i communicate this shit so they understand”
Homie, why should she blame herself for the way he acted? Do you think that if he would just be with the right woman, a “worthy” woman, suddenly he would treat her like a princess? Are you seriously saying that women who are abused have brought it upon themselves…either by not being the perfect girlfriend, or by “putting themselves in harm’s way” by dating a guy like that? So it’s ok to treat a girl like garbage because she’s clueless enough to stay with an abusive person? She should be punished with verbal and emotional abuse and say say to herself “I deserve this?” I know girls who have been in abusive relationships, and it’s just as much of a mystery to me why they stay in them or continue to pursue guys who show all the warning signs of being assholes. Maybe it’s because I haven’t fucking lived their experiences in life, which are often that abusive relationships are all they know, and they don’t have any expectation of anything better.Why do guys like this get a free ride from people who are like “well duh, he’s an asshole, what do you expect.” Yeah, being in a relationship with an abuser is a choice (except when it’s not), but so is being an asshole.
Ok. Now I’ve cooled off.I want to retract part of what I said, and change it to sometimes being an asshole is not a choice as well. People have life experiences which can combine to turn them into either an abuser or a person who settles for abuse. However, who is the agressor? The abuser, or the abusee?Let me put it this way – if either of you guys were walking down the street at night, alone, and a gang of guys jumped out, beat you up and robbed you, you would be angry, right? I assume you wouldn’t be saying to yourself “this is my fault for walking alone at night, or not carrying a weapon, or walking alone….etc.” No. You’d be saying “I AM a nice person, I did not invite this, just because I happened to be in a vulnerable position doesn’t mean that those guys were justified in giving themselves cart blanche to fuck with me.”Also, it’s not as easy as all that to walk away from an abusive relationship in which you are emotionally invested in the abuser. It’s not as easy as you guys seem to say it is, like walking past the movie posters in the theatre and saying “hmm…don’t like that…seems too violent…I guess I’ll just walk on.” Love, or what people call love these days, defies logic, but is still incredibly strong. Abusers can often seem like nice or at least acceptable guys at the beginning of a relationship, and women can become emotionally attached. It’s not always so easy to just cast off these emotional attachments, especially if the man keeps “repenting” and giving you false hope that he will return to being the “nice” or at least fun, guy he used to be. There are also a host of other reasons which would keep a woman from so easily leaving such a relationship, such as mutual friends who turn on you when they can’t believe the guy would act that way.I guess what I am saying is, it’s easy to say that it’s easy to just walk away from a relationship like that….when you’re never going to be in that position anyway.
Just to add this:I’m reminded of a court case I read about where a girl who went to a party and was raped. The jury found against the rapists and the judge sent them to jail. However, he also said to the girl “you know, you didn’t have to go to that party.” And the girl said back to him, “they didn’t have to rape me.” There are reasons why abusers go to jail and not their wives/girlfriends.
the first assult, his fault. The second, his fault. The third, both of you to blame. Him for hitting, you for still being in a position to get hit…. anything past that, just silly. I had an Ex that used to think hitting me was wise. She freaked out and got angry and tossed some shit at my head. It took 2 minutes to think….. “I could punch this bitch out, but i would go to jail and i might hurt my hand. I could beg her to calm down and continue to dodge shit till she does. I could move on and get away from this nutbar. Should she follow, that is a crime. I think the police will do enough to deter this. I have no problem using lethal force to defend.” So i left. Simple problem. Simple solution.Self preservation is common sense.
Reading what the Op said, there is nothing that would indicate that this guy was a good person to begin with. While I think she should be proud of herself for walking away, I also think she should’ve never allowed herself to be in the relationship in the first place. Like Homie basically said, you owe it yourself to not allow yourself to get into bad situations.If anyone is giving a guy should be given a free ride for being an asshole, it’s the girl in the relationship. That might sound harsh or brutal, but it’s true. We, as people, teach people how to treat us. How do you expect to get more (i.e. good treatment) from a guy/girl if you are willing to settle for less and put with shit?Any guy that treats a girl like shit deserves to get his ass beaten up, and his ass dumped. Period. End of story. Many times I have been introduced to a friends boyfriend, and the boyfriend is an asshole who treats my friend like shit. Being the guy that I am, sometimes the girl comes to me for help in dealing with the asshole. Ineveitably, there is some type of confrontation/argument between me and the guy, then all of a sudden my supposed friend is mad at me for telling the guy that treats her like shit off. So i try to do the right thing by the girl, and get punished for it.I do not give these guys a “free ride”. The “free ride” is from the girl.
Self preservation IS common sense. I’m sorry you had to deal with that bullshit, and I’m glad it was so apparently easy for you to move on. It seems like you had few emotional ties with the woman, although I’m sure that you regretted how it turned out in the end. But did you ever think to yourself “what about me is not enough to prevent my lover from doing these things? How can i communicate this shit so they understand.” No, probably not. You probably thought, ok, this woman is crazy, if I defend myself I’m going to jail possibly, so I’m removing myself from the situation. I’m just saying that not everyone is in position to do this as easily as you did…you shouldn’t just assume that because it was easy for you, it’s easy for everyone. I’ll repeat again, just because you offer yourself as a doormat doesn’t mean it’s justified to be treated like a doormat. Especially not after the doormat “nurses you back to health” and “takes care of your dog.” I’ll take a quote from the OP and say “EVERYONE deserves to be treated well.” And just the act of “being in a relationship with you (the abuser)” doesn’t revoke your right to be treated well….I don’t care if it’s 1 month in or 5 years in. You have to do something pretty extreme to deserve violence, and I’m sorry but “being the girlfriend, or boyfriend, of an asshole” in my book doesn’t qualify. Neither do a lot of the other bullshit excuses abusers give. They just want to hurt someone, and they will give any excuse they can, including “she should have known I was an asshole.” The responsibility lies with them.Having said that, do I think people should stay in abusive relationships, just so they can always comfort themselves with “it was never my fault?”No – if they are aware enough to escape, they should. But if they don’t move on, they are either not aware enough, or escaping would be putting themselves in even more physical danger. Either way, it’s no excuse for blaming the victim.And here’s a new one – people think they are in love with their abusers, but they’re not really. If you really love someone, you have no problem with doing what is best for the abuser, which, in the case of abuse, is saying “no, I’m leaving, I’m not going to continue to allow you to get away with this unacceptable behavior. I love you and you need to get help.”The kind of love the OP was referring to is more of an obsessive clinging, which is nevertheless difficult to simply “cast off.” Also, sometimes staying with an abuser IS self-preservation – i.e. when you believe (incorrectly or otherwise) that you will be miserable without them, even with their abuse, or, in extreme cases where you believe your life will be in even more danger if you leave.
Actually, I’m going to get off this board. I think it’s bad for me to sit around bitching all day. Thanks for your opinions. Goodbye.
ya know….. all that shit you just said about what if… this and what if that….. never occured to me about her, and nor did i care, when a full bottled of Fruithopia was whizzed at my head. At that point, anythign to do with change didnt matter to me. I dont care what the change she needs to make is. That shit could have killed me and love doesnt make an ouce of difference if that bottle connects.
If a person doesn’t want to be treated like a doormat, they don’t allow themselves to be treated like a doormat. Plain and simple.From what I am reading, this guy is obviously some type of sociopath who feels no sense of loyalty or love for anyone other than himself. From what I am reading, he doesn’t exactly hide the fact that he is a huge dipshit. To expect anything else from him is foolish.If were talking about a normal person with a conscience, of course he fucking owes her. He owes her alot. She has done some great things for him, but when you do great things for people who people who obviously show how selfish and uncaring they are…it’s like giving a loan to a crackhead…give as much as you want, but you’re a fool if you expect anything in return.Suppose a guy decided to date a girl, and the girl openly admitted that she was bitch that treated guys badly and cheated nonstop. Would you be compassionate towards him, or you would you want to shake some sense into him for knowingly getting involved with a shitty person?we can talk about “love this” or “love that”, but you have to love yourself, and that means not choosing people that are bad for you.(note that I am not talking about situations in which people misrepresent themselves, and pretend to be something that they are not; that is an entirely different situation.)
Wow. I’ve never seen you naked before matt.
i thought you were just a four letter signature at the end of some long assed boring posts……turns out you are a human:P
Scary is right..just be careful matt 🙂
And you have Dr. Phil to thank for that Matt.
Matt, i just meant i hope that your ex, (or anyone else it may effect), doesn’t read the board..it would suck to have some unnecessary drama in your life, especially after having gotten away from it. I’m glad you were able to let it out annonymously, get it all off your chest..i’d just hate to see any of it come back to you.
Maybe this explains some of Matt’s agression issues.