Flatulent Facebook commenters fall into three groups: (1) the Mindlessly Mute, (2) The Page Hogs and (3) The Bumpers.
(1) The Mindlessly Mute: Since they have nothing to say because they have no minds, the Mindlessly Mute cannot properly be called “flatulent” which, if nothing else, suggests the expulsion of hot blow. No, the Mindlessly Mute, even if they happen to be one’s “friends,” expel no blow, hot or otherwise. They are just mute. They contribute nothing. They are dead weight.
(2) The Page Hogs: The Page Hogs have one thing in common: They flood the page with multiple, near identical posts. They come in two varieties: (a) The Commercial Page Hog who floods the page with his garbage since he wants to make money. (See “I Love t-shirt—not available in stores!”) and (b) The Phony, the one who floods the page with photographs of his one obsession, birds for example, which he claims are his own but are obviously photographed from a published album of coloured prints of birds. He is a bold plagiarist. He is a thief.
(c) The Bumpers: Both the Commercial Page Hog and the Phony have one thing in common: They will bump any critical comment of their posts and replace it with one (or more) of their own even if their own comment is irrelevant to the criticism and has been posted hours or even days previously. It might be called a “Robo-Response” to shut down all criticism.
So there we have it—the Mindlessly Mute, the Page Hogs and the Bumpers—all contributing their share to the flatulence that is Facebook. —Unfriend This
This article appears in Jun 25 – Jul 1, 2015.
And I’ll betcha you’re the type of Farcebook poster who snaps pix of everything from what you had for lunch and that 2 foot turd you expelled this morning.
Those who are mute cannot hear and therefore do not speak. They are not mindless in anyway and I’d bet some are genius. The can and do write and communicate well.
Those who contribute nothing cannot be considered a commenter as they do not contribute. Ergo, your point (1) is mindless as is your bitch.
Please, no more stupid bitches.
Bang on, Mr. Jesus.
I beg to differ, Fonebone That is TT. I believe this post is the work of our own esteemed Montrealman, who, sensing the rather dismal contributions of late and the equally febrile attempts of the Moderator to conjure interesting Bitches from the moth eaten homespun of her own imagination, has taken it upon himself to stir controversy and discussion in amanner , not unlike his magnum opus on the halifax Underclass that he was prevented from submitting, lo, those many years ago.
Either that, or someone lambasted him for showing off his own collection of Nazi porn, Edwardian era lamp finials and his childhood bird egg collection.
Nope, it’s not MM. MM doesn’t submit bitches, he only responds to them.
Some people don’t have the need to tell everybody in the world their business.
I agree with Andrea the Dead Feminist that this bitch is the work of the one and only, the orginal …. montrealman!
Only mm would use the expression “hot blow”.
Only mm would confuse the sponsored posts (adverts) with someone being a “Page Hog’
Only mm would take the time and feel the obligation to call out “The Phony” for posting a bird photo that mm didn’t think was an original.
And, so, I can see why many of his comments would be deleted by “The Bumpers”.
It all makes perfect sense.
Not to mention all the Instagram queefing going on, am I right OP? It’s like a freakin social media-trapped air jamberoo around here!
FOOTNOTE TO FACEBOOK FLATULENCE
a) Mindlessly Mute: The reference was to those Facebook “friends” whose pictures appear on my personal page but who contribute nothing, whether in the form of a comment or, as is more commonly the case, in the form of a picture together with a brief explanatory comment. So it is possible on Facebook to be a “commentless commenter” or a “postless poster.” Strange but true.
b) Page Hogs: Unlike the comment section on Bitch which expands to the last comment on a particular bitch, the Facebook page (oddly called “Home” to distinguish it from one’s personal page which features one’s first name as its title) is fixed at 25 picture posts. This means that the most recent post bumps out the oldest. So, a Page Hog like The Birdman can run up to 25 posts and bump me, since I post critical comments on his plagiarized bird posts. He has done this frequently but now retribution is at hand.
c) The Bumpers: Only this morning I bumped two of his posts off the top spot with two of my own. It has become a death struggle. The Birdman has his plagiarized birds but I have my various categories – “My Old Coins,” “My Old Canadian Paper Money,” “My Antique Weapons” and so on – which I note now total some 250 different entries in a dozen or more categories. A formidable force. By re-posting my older posts to bump his as required, I hope to win this grim war of attrition. Wish me luck.
A pleasure as always,
Cheerio!
I agree the internet is ruining our young society. From a 90’s kid.
RSVPS
: The Duke Rides Again (07/02, 10:08AM)
No, “I love T-Shirt” was never a sponsored advert. The Page Hog blew us all off the page and sponsored ads don’t do that. But I brought him down with the continual comment, “Stop flooding the page with your garbage!” He dropped out, never to be heard from again.
UPDATE! UPDATE!
I’ve just bumped the Birdman again. He posted a picture of a snake (!) but I suppose birds and snakes are related in some fashion. Anyway, his note indicates he’s from – you guessed it! – Montreal! Maybe we’ll get together for a little hand-to-hand.
: crazydolphin (07/03, 9:37AM)
When were you born, 1999?
montrealman,
The obvious answer is to just “unfriend” the Birdman (and his ilk) so that they never intrude upon the serenity of your FaceBook universe.
Just in case you don’t know how ….. in Facebook click on your personal page (as opposed to Home). Select the Friends view at the top of the page. Scroll down to the offending ass’s photo. To the right will be a dropdown menu where you can select “unfriend” and, voila, you are free of his dreary drivel.
Cheers,
The Duke
^^^ P.S. and once you have unfriended the dreary doofus, I recommend you sit down with a glass or two of red and listen to Glenn Gould’s interpretation of The Goldberg Variations – a balm for the soul in troubled times!
RSVP
: The Duke (07/03, 11:38AM & 11:45AM)
Many thanks for your kind advice but there is only one problem – The Birdman is not one of my friends so I can’t unfriend him! Sadly, my “friends” – such as they are – are to be found exclusively among the Mindlessly Mute so it appears that The Birdman and I are destined to be locked in mortal combat until one or the other expires.
By the way, I forgot to mention in my Update that I hit his snake post with my 1932 16 cent black featuring a large Newfoundland dog (Category: “Pre-Confederation Maritime Stamps”) which I think rocked him back on his heels. I haven’t checked back yet but if he pokes up his beaked head again I’ll hit him with another knee-wobbling blow.
Your suggestion about listening to Glenn Gould’s “The Goldberg Variations” fell on fertile soil as did you suggestion of a glass or two of red. Did I mention that one of my categories, unsuitable for The Birdman of course, is “The Great Classified Growths Of Bordeaux.” Do you have a particular favourite?
A pleasure as always,
Cheerio!
^^^ I’m not very familiar with Bordeaux nor its classification system. I tend to rely on the 100 point scale when selecting a wine.
Is there a Bordeaux that you can recommend as being an exceptionally good value?
My reference to “The Great Classified Growths of Bordeaux” was to the Classification of 1855 which was limited to the area of the Haut Medoc lying north of the town between the Atlantic and the mouth of the Gironde. It included only the regions of Margaux, Pauillac, St. Julien, St. Estephe and Haut-Medoc, not to be confused with the general area of the same name. Within each region the various chateaux were rated on a numerical scale from one (“premier”) to five (“cinquieme”). (I assume your 100 point scale is that of Robert Parker, the current American wine guru.) The final determination was the vintage which, in Bordeaux, is commonly held to be that of 1982 as the upper-end benchmark. So, I note that a bottle of Chateau Margaux 1er Cru 1982 presently goes at auction for CAN $1,390.
As researcher and presenter for a number of years to a group of oenophiles some time ago I have had the privilege of tasting a number of Grands Crus from the various regions of the Haut Medoc, including Chateau Margaux (but not the 1982). But something tells me that this is not exactly what you had in mind by “exceptionally good value.” I consider my wine-tasting abilities to be only average at best and so hesitate recommending any wine to anybody. However, in the case of Bordeaux you might want to start with a “Cru Bourgeois” which, while not a Great Classified Growth, might provide a platform for further research.
Cheerio!
I’m willing to guess facebook is a source of unhappiness there…
RSVP
The Duke
Just an update on The Birdman. He just posted two phony bird pictures but I came back, hitting him with the obverse and reverse of a magnificent French Revolutionary “un decime” (a tenth of a franc) from Year 8 (1800) from the category “My Old Coins.” Then it was a 100 peseta note from Spain (“Pre-Euro Paper Money”) which should give him pause. I’ll keep you posted.
^^^ I’ll make some popcorn.
Sounds good. The 100 peseta note, by the way, was the kind I actually used while living in Barcelona. I should have mentioned that to The Birdman. It would have rocked him back on his heels.
The Duke
The Birdman posted another phony bird picture so I had to hit back with two genuine photos of my own. The first is the magnificent Piazza di Spagna (“The Spanish Steps” ) in central Rome which recalls the time we had lived there – Rome, not Piazza di Spagna. At the top of the Steps is Trinita del Monte, traditionally the church of the French community in Rome, at right the building containing the room in which John Keats, the English Romantic poet died in 1821 (“Here lies one whose name was writ in water”). He’s buried in the Protestant Cemetery next to Percy Bysshe Shelly. At bottom left is the tony Babington’s Tea Rooms where we used to go for our upscale cuppa and, indeed, to which we made a sentimental return pilgrimage.
The second photo is that of an actual can of Babington’s tea in support of my claim that we were actually there and which now graces one of my bookshelves not far from where I write.
Pass the popcorn.
A facebook bitch? Gah.
Gah? Gah? What do you mean, gah? Are you a subliterate?
C’mon, PQman, all these months of not responding to something I post and this is what I get?
Dying tickles and my kitty is amnesiac…
The Duke
The Birdman posted three more phones this morning so I had to hit back with a $2 note from the Westmoreland Bank, Moncton, 1861 (“My Old Canadian Paper Money”), a New Brunswick 12 1/2 cent stamp issued in 1860 showing the transition from sail to steam (“Pre-Confederation Maritime Stamps”) and finally a first-day cover (envelope) celebrating the union (“Anschluss”) of Nazi Germany and Austria in 1938 (“Historically Interesting Postal Artifacts”). Pass the popcorn.
The Subliterate (07/06, 7:48PM)
Do you laugh and clap your hands when the street lights come on? Do you cry “Gah! Gah!” to show your pleasure?
The Duke (07/07, 9:03AM)
That should be three “phonies,” not three “phones”. He doesn’t need three phones. He doesn’t need any.