Here is a quick rundown of elevator etiquette for those who obviously don’t know:
1. Wait for the people to get off before getting on. Also, do not look annoyed when people are getting off while you stand in their way.
2. If you are the person farthest from the elevator door, you are the LAST to get on/off. You are not entitled to be first no matter what. Somehow I doubt you only act that way in an elevator.
3. If you are going to floor 2 and you’re are not elderly, disabled, hurt, or carrying or pushing something large, walk you lazy fuck. ESPECIALLY if it’s down. This includes fat people.
4. If you press door close on someone and they manage to still get on, appologize.
5. If you are in the elevator and you see someone obviously dashing for the same one, hold it- unless you know they are going to floor 2.
6. If you are unsure where you are headed and you get off on a floor and look around, do not stand directly in front of the doors. Move out of the fucking way.
7.Do not fart. Ever.
These seven simple tips will ensure people in your office building do not press door close at the sight of you.
This article appears in Oct 2-8, 2008.
You must work in a really tall building.
I work in a really tall building, and almost at the top of it. It’s splendid when you get on an elevator after a group of people get off…and you walk into someone’s poofta ass-gas remnants that smells like rotten processed food court lunch from a week ago. I have to travel 15 floors up with that hanging around me like a death shroud. Yeurgh.
Nothing annoys me more then when someone stands right in front of the doors waiting for the elevator. A little common sense will tell you there’s more room outside the elevator so you should make room for others to get off before trying to get on.
I call you on number 2.Shouldn’t you move to let others in, Unless you push them behind you then they will be in front of you, and if you get off on the floor before them then how are you supposed to get out? You fail the elevator test numpty.3) The stairs are normally fire exists in most buildings which are used for emergency. The fad for taking the stairs is actually a fire hazard. So doing what you suggest actually could pose a potential danger. Thanks again for putting your building at risk.4. They pressed door close because they hate you. Why apologise, you should be thankful that you wern’t strong-armed out the door and they Nelson laughed at you while the door closed.5. See you are an elitist. Why should you be a jerk to some and not all. If I am going to be an ass and close the door I’m going to close it on handicapped to firm. I’m an equal asshole with no pretention of who deserves the door and who deserves the strong-arm.6. Then that means if they see that they are on the wrong floor they have to wait for another elevator. Rather than just stay on the elevator and you wait your lazy ass the extra twelve seconds out of your pompass assed day.7. What building you work at, I’m going to eat egg, broccoli and cheese and take the day off just so I can defile your elevator you elevator whore.
No more farting in elevators? Where ever am I going to release my turkey farts after this thanksgiving feast? I do declare…
How ’bout the people who continue to pound the lit-up elevator button? What’s with that? It won’t make the friggin’ thing come any faster. As far as farting is concerned, I go by my dear old mother’s adage: ‘Wherever you may be, let your wind roam free.’ I can’t clamp my colon so hush up.