You found him. Yes, you found this really sweet guy who was a way better match for you than any of the other men you have ever dated. It took a little longer for you to find the right person than it takes many others (you’re 34), but you found a man who was PERFECT for you. I met him. He treated you like gold. I remember watching one time as he picked you up to take you out to dinner, he greeted you with flowers and opened the car door for you–a total gentleman. He was financially stable, he wanted kids just like you do, he had a chocolate lab (your favorite breed of dog, ffs!), he wanted to travel to the same destinations you always have, you had the same political and religious views. God, you two had so much in common. But…you threw it all away. And why? Because you didn’t fancy his looks! “I don’t find him very physically attractive” you told me, word for word. You ended it with him after seeing him for a month. I’ve been your friend for over 10 years so I have seen the shit guys have put you through, cheating on you, giving you the run around, just being total douchebags. And just last year, after a few too many drinks, you broke down into tears, saying all of the good men are married and you’re going to die alone! Well, you know what? Now I believe you will! You finally meet this wonderful man but you rejected him because of something as superficial as looks! Yes, there has to be an attraction but it doesn’t have to be physical. My husband is not what I’d go for in the looks department, but I became sexually attracted to him because of his character! It could have been the same for you if you had given this guy more time. But no, keep doing what you’ve been doing, choosing good-looking guys who treat you like shit. I just don’t want to hear about it when you’re single again after breaking up with yet another asshole. I think there’s a soulmate for everyone, and I can guarantee you Mr. Chocolate Lab Sweetheart was yours!!! Gahhh! —At my wits end with this friend
This article appears in Feb 13-19, 2014.
You friend was being polite. She commented on his looks but what she really couldn’t deal with was his small penis. True story.
Looks matter to some and likely most, human nature I guess. Seems to me this friend can’t exist without being treated like crap.
Better a small penis than none!! I think this kinda story is where the nice guys finish last stories stem from.
Nice guy was probably all like “I even opened the car door for the stupid cow and she STILL couldn’t get over my small penis! what’s a guy gotta do!?”
This was my silly comment before the “real” paragraph long advice from someone who overcame a situation just like this one comment comes.
Why do people invest so much in other people’s relationships or non-relationships? It’s none of your business.
I know this became tiresome, but the situation screams out for the use of it – perhaps he wouldn’t do arse to mouth?
I agree with most of OB’s pov, however, i don’t buy into the ‘one and only soulmate’ bullshit. If the truth be known, if a mature adult had 100 lives to live, each life with a different spouse, most relationships would turn out to be pretty good or pretty bad with the determining factor being how much each spouse puts into their relationships.
It wasn’t just looks…
If only he had more money to make up for his physical unattractiveness.
This kind of bitch is very common on LTWWB, OP has a lady friend who is used and abused by guys and cries about it all the time “there are no good men in this town!” is the way it goes. Of course, OP has a vested interest in introducing the downtrodden woman to a great guy they know but ahh it doesn’t work out. OP now loses on two fronts, the great guy is dumped and unhappy and now they have to listen to the lady friend whining again. OP is pissed.
I know this kind of lady OP, attracted to the wrong guy. Their future comes down to being attracted with drama or unattracted with peace. The lady will pick the drama because she’s used to it.
My advice OP is to say “enough” to this woman. You did what you could but she’s not going to be satisfied. You guys will have to start talking about something else.
If you don’t have the physical attraction, you’ve got fuck, OP. And, as pointed out, maybe he has a thumbtack dick – or drools profusely when he’s making his ‘O’ face.
Both you women are pathetic and needy – you define your lives by ‘having a man’ – Jesus Hang Gliding Christ – tell your self-loathing friend to shut her blubbering gob, then give her a chain link lasso so she can catch her ‘dreamboat’.
Ah the ladies!!
No, he wasn’t the right one for her– the right one for her would have been someone she was attracted to as well as all the other good stuff you mentioned. As TT Fonebone says, there has to be a physical attraction!
Absolutely, Mitten. When I was in my 20s, I was married to a man who was a great guy, loved me to pieces but I was not physically attracted to him. I thought that I would learn to ‘love him’ over the five years we were hitched but I didn’t. Then when I met my present Hub Unit, the attraction was instant and has remained that way for 32 years.
What disturbs me about this post is that the young woman ‘desperate for a man’ needs to work on loving herself first. From that, all good will come.
OP, I couldn’t find any wit at all in this post, and i don’t think it’s because your “friend” has made it disappear.
the heart wants what it wants. you can’t apply logic to what appeals to someone. (well you can, but it’s tricky)
she may die alone, that’s her lot.
if she didn’t find him attractive, all that means is that he didn’t spark anything in her. probably nothing to do with outside criteria of ‘good looks’. she may get gobsmacked some day by falling wildly in love with a guy who looks like Quasimodo.
even if she is totally fixated on standard ‘good looks’ if she becomes attracted to some guy, all those standards fly out the window.
I hope this would be so, anyway.
but op, try to distance yourself emotionally from your friend’s turmoil. you can’t fix it. it will drive you nuts
oh, one other thing, guy sounds really nice and thank your friend for letting him loose
“My husband is not what I’d go for in the looks department, but I became sexually attracted to him because of his character!” haha riiiight. I think you settled for close enough. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing because nobody is perfect. But physical attraction is pretty important when you are talking about a long term commitment. Way more important that what kind of dog a person has or if they open a door.
I will throw my old dyke feminist cards on the table upfront on this one, and say I believe that females and males in general have different ways of responding to physical attributes.
I may not be typical het female since I ended up on the other side, but I thought I had a ‘type’ of guy I found attractive if asked. however, in practise, I never liked any of those types that wandered across my path. their physical ‘match’ to my ideal couldn’t overcome the facts that their personalities were completely incompatible.
that means the physical was not primary.
I think it’s pretty much the opposite with guys. a pleasing compatibility cannot overcome an unappealing physical.
so for a woman, hoist, it really is more important what kind of dog he has (the fact that he loves dogs) or opens her door. it’s all those things that make him love-able.
the men I have loved have ranged in looks widely, but what they all had in common, for me, to me, was that I loved their faces because I loved them, I loved and worshipped their bodies because I loved them, I responded and rose to them because I loved them. some were very good looking, and some were homely, to be honest.
my 2 cents
Who wants to wake up in the morning and the first face they see is Quasimodo? If I want that, I’ll look in the mirror.
No, I agree with you that women are more inclined to become attracted to other characteristics of a person than most men are. However, I think no matter how nice/caring/compatible a person is – if you aren’t attracted to them (even if 90% of other people would be) then the potential for a long-term relationship decreases dramatically. This applies to both genders. Who is to say that OP’s friend’s date wasn’t what most people would consider handsome?
It also depends on what the persons priorities are – are they looking for someone to settle down with, for someone to date casually, for someone to sleep with? OP’s friend may not be being completely honest with the OP about her intentions. Perhaps OP’s friend isn’t ready for the guy with the kind of dog she likes and the excellent manners. I’m sure you’d agree that just because OP was able to look past her husbands unattractive physical qualities doesn’t mean that her friend should do the same. Nothing worse than being unhappy in a relationship.
I might sound like a bitch saying this, but I’m guessing OP is not so gifted in the looks herself (and probably not nearly as attractive as her friend), so she married the homely dude because she can’t afford to reject someone for their looks.
It’s not ‘superficial’ one bit to desire physical attraction with a romantic partner. YOU try fucking someone you’re not attracted to and see how well that works out for you.
I *tried* dating this guy who was hopelessly in love with me who I wasn’t attracted to. Now, that wasn’t strictly just unattraction in the looks department — he was dumb as a post and quite immature, BUT I just couldn’t get into it. Every time he touched me I got creeped the fuck out.
yes hoist, but what does ‘attracted to’ mean?
I believe it means different things to the sexes. (maybe even the genders)
I believe men (in general) are attracted to very specific physical characteristics, hair, breasts, legs, gait and women (in general) are attracted to underlying characteristics, voice, posture, gait ( I think that is common trait with differing attachments to it) smell, facial mobility, smile, eye expressions
and I think this is why men can become quite attached to a picture. it doesn’t need animation to attract him.
and hey, using more’s kindly supplied example of himself as quasimoto, a woman married him despite his looks and his own disdain for anyone who would look as he does. he is quite happy to accept love from someone much more forgiving of ugliness than he is. lucky man. more – hope you kiss her feet and mean it.
Oh come on, I don’t have to explain what ‘attracted to’ means, do I?
And I apologize for not differentiating between sex and gender. It didn’t even occur to me. I will try to be more P.C. in the future.
We are both basically saying the same thing, so I’ll just leave it at that.
BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! You expect your friend to fuck an ugly guy just cus your fucking one?!! Ahahaha you desperado! And what a lame ass bitch that guy she dumped is, holding the door, this ain’t 1955. This proves that it don’t matter how sicky sweet you are to the ladies, if your butt fucking ugly, your shit outta luck! Ha!
hoist, I explain what I mean, ’cause maybe it’s not what you meant. and lord only knows how 10 others would interpret ‘attracted to’.
and usually I am preaching to the masses and incidentally to an individual. except when I am preaching to an individual and only incidentally to the masses.
You have to understand where OP is coming from. OP has to listen to this woman complain about the lack of decent available men and complain about her own poor choices and the way they have treated her. You can just close your eyes and picture her saying “If I could meet one decent man!”
She finally gets to meet such a person with a lot of common interests to boot. Then she drops him. Why? Because he’s not physically attractive. I’m not saying that physical attractiveness isn’t an important quality to dating but if you’re crying about all the lowlifes and cheaters you’ve been with before, maybe something’s wrong with your avenue of selecting a guy. I’m assuming that this is her main criteria in selecting who she wants to date and it tends to blow up in her face. OP then gets to hear the sob story each time.
I believe OP is just at the end of their rope and I would be as well.
No see here’s the thing. It IS her business if the person constantly forces her to deal with their dumpster fire of a life.
OP do you have his number? lol
Sounds like your friend needs a good round of ass to mouth.
I was joking BTW……but if the guy she dumped is so great in your mind maybe you should go catch him.
What’s to bitch about being single? ……. when one is in a bad relationship they have every right to bitch about wanting to be single.
Maybe all the good men are just tired of the low-self esteem depressed drinky drinky chicky poos out there looking for guys to treat them like crap because it’s easier living up to low standards?
Next time she complains about the lack of good men, tell her they’re not interested in her until she figures out her shit.
You get what you deserve.
Maybe.
Crispy Critters above has a good point;
This is a very common situation, and common LTWWB. Some people just don’t have enough self esteem to be with decent people, and can only be “happy” dating shitty people. The “bad boy” syndrome is a perfect example of this (they’ll try to convince you of all sorts of non-sense, but it comes down to insecurities and low self-esteem). Such people just get use to drama and being treated like shit. It fits their view of themselves. After all, it’s much easier to live up to lower standards. This is true for both men and women.
OP; your friend needs to figure out her shit before you can make any sense of any of her decisions. Her behavior is probably based on her own insecurities.
Strong and confident individuals don’t date shitty people, regardless of attraction.
But maybe she just wasn’t feeling it with him, which is completely valid.
There is sometimes a real problem with all those beautiful people as well …they just don’t want to get dirty, are afraid of hard work, don’t wanna mess their hair, their makeup or break a nail or ruin their manicure. Real beauty isn’t skin deep & if you hook up & marry someone for that as a main reason …what are you gonnna do in 20 years when all that ‘good looks’ is sagging, wrinkling, balding, etc ???
Just a question, not a judgement on the OB or previous commentaries, sometimes looks are secondary to work ethic, interests & feelings & you know someone who fucks your brain out not once but time after time after time ….that’s not a bad thing, or IMO its pretty damn good thing.
Eh, not everyone who is attractive wears make up and spends hours on their hair and manicure.
I find intelligent, confident and strong women to be sexier than the typical “beauty” – just saying. Combine both and I’m puddle.
Your friend is the annoying Valentine’s Day archetype. However, You can’t help not being attracted to somebody. She might of stuck around for a month because she saw he was a great guy, appreciated these qualities, and tried to be attracted to him. You friend didn’t feel attracted to his person after a month of dating, and also likely didn’t want to pursue a long-term sexless attraction-less relationship, which would have been unfair to both of them. She did the right thing, she ended it early as opposed to wasting his time and having him fall in love and envision a future with a person that wasn’t in to him.