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Ok, had it to here with expensive toilet paper that falls apart before I even finish wiping my ass. The cheap stuff at least keeps me from getting shit all over my fingers. For the money you’d think you’d get at least one good swipe before the paper shredded! —Yes I Washed My Hands!
This article appears in Jan 17-23, 2013.
32 Comments
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are you a bear?
bless you ob, there’ s nothing like a good toilet paper posting to get our asses in motion.
i have woods out back if needed…..
Didn’t happen…Charmin rules!
Try removing the barbed guard hairs from around your anus, Wogdog.
youre so funny Furious, I forgot to laugh! Fortunately for me I did not write this post. But I was going to suggest to the OP that Costco brand TP is the thickest most luxurious TP you will ever buy. A good price too!
Or stop listening to sheryl crow and use more than one square at a time.
I bet you like to use the word “classy”.
OMG I know exactly what you mean. THe “Red Brand” with the shitting bears who have terrible skid marks…. apparently… and now I know why because that little fuckers claws breaks the sheet everytime. My well trimmed fingernails shred that stuff, cant imagine what Yogi’s paws are doing to it. No wonder his mother has to check for shit stains in his draws every morning per the comercial…
Don’t use so much force down there! I understand if you have a hairy ass you must be thorough but the general rule is “steady as she goes”. Two strokes, one for the valley and one for the rim, strong and steady. Follow that technique and you can wear your white undies with pride and confidence.
Sorry Hezz, Charmin sucks, Cottonelle rules.
If you have to keep wiping and wiping, you aren’t done. A finished poo leaves no smear and requires no more toilet paper than a pee. Why don’t people get that? Finish your business before you try and wipe off!
I refuse to use the cheap toilet paper! Op, what are you talking about, saying that stuff doesn’t shred??? The cheapest paper is the worst to shred! And if you’re out of Kleenex, it’s hell on the nose!!!
I’m sorry, but your environmentally irresponsible toilet paper isn’t as good as my left hand. The Captains reusable appendage trumps every time!
“And if you’re out of Kleenex, it’s hell on the nose!!!” – And if you’re out of TP, Kleenex is heaven on the butthole 😉
“I’m sorry, but your environmentally irresponsible toilet paper isn’t as good as my left hand. The Captains reusable appendage trumps every time!”
I’m sorry, but if we’re ever at a summit and I ask you to pass the salt, please feel free to refuse. >: 0
Oh grow up, Ivan! I usually wash it!
Plus it’s not like I’ve only got the one hand….. although, maybe if you knew what the right hand did you’d gladly choose the left.
so a couple of guys from toronto were out in the woods and one of the guys needed to pooh. he had no toilet paper or kleenex (being a city dude) . the other guy said ‘just use a dollar’
so city dude heads behind a bush, then comes out 5 minutes later with pooh all over his hands, grumbling.
other guy says how did you get pooh all over yourself?
city dude says i didn’t have a dollar, so i used 3 quarters, a nickle and two dimes.
(of course, you have to be old enough to remember pre-loonie days)
All I know Keptin is that I’ll never be able to look at that picture of you and the pizza in the same way again.
>: )
Hey, that was a good pizza!
We should have the next summit at my house. I’ll cook everyone supper! Huh? How ’bout it? Ivan, you in? I make a mean sloppy joe!
It’s all about the freshy fresh method. Baby wipes aren’t just for babies anymore…
Only if I can bring my genuine Acme Portable Food Irradiater.
Cooks a mean Roadrunner a l’Orange too, so it does.
Are you saying my poo is radioactive? Isn’t that like, a superpower?
is it because i am ancient that i add the archaic ‘H’ at the end of poo? should i attempt to be more hip and drop the haich?
captain, i expect to see some fart lighting extraordinaire from your general direction if i ever attend a summit.
Never actually managed to ignite one of those, Good Dog, despite my BEST efforts.
“should i attempt to be more hip and drop the haich?”
GoodDog, they only do that in Quebec and northern New Brunswick (and certain parts of Nfld.) ‘Cept usually they drop the “h” in one word and put it somewhere altogether different:
“I come from Ba-turst. I play ‘ockey on the hice. I got ‘air on my harm but no ‘air on my ‘ed.
For breakfast, I h’eat 2 heggs side by heach, facing da sun, a pair of toast and a horange glass of juice.”
you know that’s what the big CH means on the habs’ sweaters… Center Hice
Capitan …did you happen to read this motto ( I seen it in a stall years ago) & take it to heart ?
When in this toilet
Do not linger
If there’s no paper
Use your Finger ~:)
Cashmere double roll….keeps the poop away and leaves my anus feeling fresh as a daisy!!
i wouldn’t be so quick on the daisy comparisons there joe, last one i saw had small black bugs crawling in it and a crusting of dog piddle.
Dog urine smells so gross……but yet….eating their own feces will make that happen….just like asparagus
Yah! I hate the half ply tissues that you can see through.
Too much shit talk. Ugh.
“barbed guard hairs” Like the hooked side of velcro.
I’m actually disgusted. Ew.
That’s why I use grip-a-shit shit-wipe, it’s the only shit-wipe that grips the shit.
Fuck diggleberry producing charmin -its too soft. Go with cheap sandpaper brands instead, saves you from havin to wipe 12 times.