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You’re beautiful. On the outside. But you think that’s all that matters. No one is going to love you and treat you with respect if all you do is shit on everyone around you. Smarten up, or live lonely.
—Guy Who Thought You Were Cool Once.
This article appears in Dec 31, 2009 – Jan 6, 2010.
73 Comments
Sounds like a Palace Cougar in the making.
You know, we can joke about it, but this whole 21st century “cougar” thing is a run-a-way train…it’s getting serious.
I mean, middle-aged mom getting drunk on bloody caesars and going home with some young sailor/Polish immigrant/the band is nothing new….but now it’s become so that the old broads are actually planning AHEAD for this to happen, it’s not just a one-off, but the GOAL of the night! Ick!
The people I feel MOST sorry for are the young guys that are going for it….gone is the challenge of meeting an attractive girl your own age, maybe getting a number, maybe even going home that night together, maybe not for a few weeks….whatever.
– Instead, by closing time the cougars, having been dancing up a storm to the Jovi are on the prowl – and what red-blooded young Halfax male can say no to an offer of sex at 3 am?
Man, I’m glad I’m an over-the-hill ex-grunge that lives 2 miles back in the woods, because back in the “day”, I’m glad I often went home alone for a bitter jerk, and lived to fight another day, than wake up with someone’s mom with a knock on the door and a 21 year-old asking to borrow the car keys!
Sad…and it’s leading to a whole generation of young men who think “sex” is putting up with a drunken strip-tease to Ozzy Osborne, a gum-job and helping out with some kitchen cupboard repairs before getting a ride home in her ex’s Lexus, dropping off on the way her hot 20 year-old daughter that refuses to meet your glance, seriously lads, stay the fuck home, don’t do it…
Let the cougars stick to the buzzy-rubber!
Actually Frosty, the amount of crusing cougars has dropped dramatically since smoking in bars has been outlawed. Seems most of the young guys can’t stand the smell of ‘ode da cheap’ perfume 😉
You big hypocrite, Frosty. When it’s an over-the-hill ex-grunge Ozzy Osbourne look-alike taking home the looks-like- 21-17 year old gum-snapping, tee-heeing, Britney Spears wannabe, you go into the nudge-nudge, wink-wink, hoo-yah mode.
Why would any young guy want to have a wrinkled ol’ Electrolux sucking his cheese doodle? Cougars are just pathetic old women unwilling to admit they could use their tits for dodgeball now.
Ewww cougars….makes me glad I’m gay.
women who want sex are disgusting villains and should be treated as such.
Makes me glad I’m old and have the sex life of a table saw.
“sex life of a table saw”
Wood-devouring sex?
hey miles welcome back…is this wood sex in the kama sutra?
I do believe the Kama Sutra has some images of wood-devouring…but no table saws.
I disagree with the term ‘cougar’. It implies that only the young have the right to do the horizontal bop with some drunken bar boy looking to use someone for a meaningless romp!
i love meryl streep she rules; but this new movie of hers; sorry i don’t even want to see you in anything resembling sex
Whats with all the cougar-hating??? I don’t mind admitting one bit that in my younger years, I tagged or (got tagged by LOL) a cougar or three and I am none the worse for it.
Not one of the cougs I ever hooked up with gave me any kind of grief or bullshit whatsoever. Just honest fun and good times.. What is wrong with that?
And FWIW, I learned more than a few tricks from some of these “old broads” along the way. Stuff that some of these young gals have never even heard of yet…
MMMmmmmm, cougars. I don’t mind being prey; never have and never will.
I’m so going to be a cougar, I cant wait. This is the sequence I’m counting on: MILF, cougar, and then senile old lady with selective hearing and bad vision that hits on all the young men but no one says anything because she’s so old and happy.
i’m gonna be a fireman when i grow up; i already got a hat it’s says fireman on it!:)
yeah but guys,some of these older broads really know how to suck dick,just saying.
Speaking of cougars going after younger guys, may I remind all you sexy MILF / Cougar ladies that yours truly is a young and horny 24 year-old stud who would love to make some older gals happy… HKM? Fizz? Oceanlady? Paingirl? RubyJane?
TTFN?
Anyone?
Anyway, on the topic of redheads, at least they’re absolutely crazy in bed! I know this for a fact. A friend told me.
q,you are so right about reds in the sack.i was with this girl once,a few years back,and her old lady kept coming on to me,well we broke up,and i said why not go for it now.it was a real wild fuck.seems she hadn’t been with a guy in about 5 years,and she had just went thru the change.she was about 12 years older than me at the time,and wasn’t complaining a bit.she was game for just about anything except whips and chains.that went n for about a year,and was some of the best nookie i ever had.so q,if you can get it,go for it.i have been trying to find red again,for the past couple of months and damn it,no luck.
Redheads. Om nom nom.
Everyone should see The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus.
Speaking of kinky shit, has anyone noticed how kinky nerds are? If you like kink fuck someone with a comic book collection, or a shelf full of sci-fi novels, or a WoW account… lol
LOL qpmz I’m just an aspiring MILF. I need to get knocked up first 😉
Geeze, qpmzwonxeibcruv, why would you ever want to pick out grey minge from between your teeth? It’d be like eating out an SOS pad.
Seriously, the only cougars that really irritate me are the women who still think they’re still some cute little 20 year old – alas, the stretch marks around the mouth are a dead giveaway.
TTFN, you never fail to make me laugh despite two hours sleep and an unpleasant day ahead. Thank you.
: )
I love that word— minge. It rolls off the tongue with such… Fervent nastiness. “Gary’s drowning in his own sick back here!”
In all reality, this whole “cougar” epidemic is scary shit. I know older ladies should be comfortable with how they look and with their sexuality, but honestly, you’re not a “Desperate Housewife” or from “Sex And The City”. First of all, you can’t possibly afford the cosmetic surgery they’ve all done. Secondly, why the hell would you want to emulate Kim Cattrall?
I mean, come on. She was in Police Academy with Steve Guttenburg, for fuck sakes.
“Secondly, why the hell would you want to emulate Kim Cattrall?”
I’m ok with that if they’re emulating the sassy little Vulcan she played in The Undiscovered Country.
You’re right Fizz, we nerds are kinda freaky.
i read that real red heads will be extinct in a couple of generations; i went out with a real red head once she wasn’t so wild but holy f what a temper; went out with a real blonde(czech) she was a freak anything anytime anywhere
Amen NGF!! I love Cougars! I’ve been the “victim” of a few and I didn’t mind one bit!!
fizz: Like I’ve always said: “There’s freak in the geek!”. Loves me some nerdy girls! 😉
So, what IS the male equivalent of a cougar? (Besides perv = )
Why all the cougar hatin’? It makes perfect sense, women at their sexual peak and men/boys at their sexual peak. This makes for some seriously kinky shit. I do realize that there are quite a few older ladies still out there on the prowl that definitely shouldn’t be, but I had a few experiences and I was never disappointed. Maybe I just got lucky but I never had to pick out grey “minge” from between my teeth. The cougar hook up also works pretty well for any young guy that does not want to be tied down, but still needs a little “release” every now and then. Cougars generally are not looking for someone to settle down with, actually, to be honest, some of the women I met, were already settled down with someone…..gotta love bein’ the “other man.”
Female sexual peak coincides with the prime age for baby making which is generally in her mid-twenties. Although we hit our sexual peak later than men (which is at about 18 years of age) we aren’t at our sexual peak during “cougar age”. That age is up for debate but it’s definitely later than the twenties. I’d say cougar age is late thirties early forties ish.
okay that means i am just an old bag…but the boobs are still perky
“okay that means i am just an old bag…but the boobs are still perky”
Pics needed for proof.
I’ve always found a ‘perky’ attitude to be more attractive than perky tits.
But that’s a personal opinion, which isn’t held by a lot of other guy’s I know.
i don’t think i would call my attitude perky…strange and twisted perhaps…smallish boobies make for less sag
There’s a mathematical formula to be defined as a cougar: half-your-age-plus-seven.
Here’s a handy graph: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Half-age…
I’ve never been able to understand what’s up with so many guy’s & girl’s who believe larger breasts are somehow better, or is it nicer??…or more attractive ?!?!
I don’t get it at all ?????
I’ve had girlfriends who were small in size, one was almost flat chested, my ex wife was…quite large, my girlfriend now is I guess about a medium… it doesn’t really matter, I know for sure its not what I notice when actually interested in someone.
( & I’d be a liar if I said I never look/check out womans breasts…especially if they’re in a revealing clothing) I just make sure I’m not being a ‘pig’ about it.
The breast is just a support structure for the nipple…that’s the business end of the boobie. I never met a set of tits I didn’t get along with.
i’m game if you are fizz,or any other lady looking for a night of wow.
My Torpedo Twos are very versatile – great for cracking cocanuts, cannonballs and noggins. They also make a great sled although sitting on them is slightly awkward.
oh and by the way,smaller titties means more in the mouth,to me.actually,small chested women turn me on more than big globes of silicon putty any day,go for it q.
TTFN . . . you have been away for far too long over the last few months. I am SO glad you are back!!!!
Awesome visual imagery, as usual!!!
You have made my rather dull afternoon so much more entertaining!!
Ever notice that all those women with tit jobs look like they have grapefruit halves glued to their chest with this big almighty gap inbetween? Must be like sucking on elbow pads. Thank fuck I’m all natural – no plate of jello can shake it like my cans.
teehee, those fake ones are bizarro they don’t move at all…what if they exploded in the throws of passion
HKM…I just noticed your question about the male equivalent to cougar…isn’t it sugar daddy !
Paingirl…it would be just another sticky mess to clean up I guess.
I’ve been away because my Hub-Unit is in constant agony with his lack of mobility – now he’s got goddamn kidney stones – it’s hard to feel funny when you’re watching the person you love going downhill and, after 4 years, still don’t know why. He’s been passed around from doctor to doctor without even a hint of a diagnosis to why his legs won’t work. Sometimes I will just look at these bitches and think: ‘holy fuck, some people don’t know how fucking good they have it.’ – I wish to fuck I only had Metro Transit and parking spaces to worry about.
TTFN…you forgot icy roads, terrible service, loud music…my personal favorite “Concerts Are Taking Over MY Commons” !& of course the usual…my chips are too crispy,the beer being too cold…I make too much/too little money ~;p
Small and perky over large and pendulous….hmmmmmm? I’m rather fond of my perkies and appreciate that proportion in women generally.
Thanks for the offer q, that was mighty generous of you but this ‘cougar’ is not on the prowl….puuuuurrrrrrrrrrr…purrrrrrrrr…purrr:)
Sorry to hear your hubby-bubbly is having a rough time TTFN. Makes it rough for the spousal-unit too, I know. Hope he gets some relief/answers soon.
“purrrrrrrr…purrrrr…purrr” hmmmmmmmmm
Oceanlady, I believe your batteries may be running down, you might want to look at buying rechargable ones, that way your vibr…I mean your battery powered purr device doesn’t die when you need it most ~;)
Nothin’ wrong with my purrrrr More. No batteries required:P
Hey TTFN . .
Very sorry to hear that your hubby is suffering so much. I do hope he is able to get some relief for this pain soon. I hope there is something the doctors can do to help make things more bearable.
Best wishes to you.
—Ruby
Thanks for the good wishes. You guys always cheer me up. Now pass me the Visine.
Who needs batteries? Not me 🙂
fizz, you can flip a coin over me and Life Sucks. I wager I’m much better looking and don’t smell like gin and fart.
gin and fart,now nice,play nice.i didn’t put your fat ass down did i,oops.but i’m just more into pleasing a lady than myself,because when she is happy,you get happy,and the happier she is?
she is is she?
Well declining ladies, you don’t know what you’re missing with me I tell ya! I’m still curiously waiting for HKM’s response, though. We’ve been mad cyber-flirting lately. I can see the blushes through my computer screen.
haha whats the difference between a bitch and a slut?
A slut fucks everyone
A bitch fucks everyone but you
I think this is what happened to the OP
Blows to get to the front the line finally and be told to go jack off
Awwwww, no need to take the rejections to heart, qpmz . . .
It’s just that we cougs are all so busy! (For example, posting on here takes up a great deal of time.)
But you don’t need to wait around for us 40-somethings, do you? Surely there are lots of ready and eager gals in your age group just waiting for you to make the first move?
Whew! So much steaminess so early in the day!!! You naughty, naughty boy.
Lifesucks has got it figured out. The first priority should be your partner’s needs, not your own. If both parties think like this, both parties will be happy. It is a win-win situation:)
Sounds like the OP was placed in the friend pile and not the fuck pile…so out comes the hating.
True Ruby, there are plenty of ready and eager gals in my age group, they just aren’t usually into me! Apparently not even The Coast hotties are either. Sniffle.
Ohh well, sex is over-rated. And it’s just because I have really high standards, I could get with any girl if I really wanted to. Uhh, yeah…
Oceanlady, what if there’s something the guy wants to do with the girl but the girl doesn’t want to, even if the guy’s willing to do things the girl wants? Like anal. Why are there so few chicks who like anal? Ridiculous!
q,old buddy,check out the greek girls then,you will be pleasantly surprised.they are more open than most others,except of course chinese chicks.they are the sexiest and hotest thing to come into a guys life.but yeah,anal is okay,if you take it easy on them,moreso the first time out.damn i love this site.i’m free girls and ladies,one line,no waiting .get your jollies and leave with a grin,not a smile.how’s thatt for advertising, q.
Good to know, LIFE SUCKS! I’ll have to give a Greek girl a try some time. Next time I’m eating at Spartan, Athens, All Greek to Me, Estia, or Opa!, I’ll ask the owner if they have any hot daughters who might be down for some bum sex. I do realize you need to use a lot of lube though and need to gently ease it in rather than just go all out.
Wow, what a vulgar conversation. I like it.
Jesus yea greek and lebanese chicks are hot and easy . OH ? Thats what I was doing wrong – with the bum sex – lube eh? LMAO Kidding !!!!
yeah guys,the greek girls save it for marriage,but the butt,is fair game,if you can find a single one,anymore.i know of only a handful,and one of these days,i will drop by to see them,again.q.get your hand off that thing.q,stop i say.hog,yeah,in t.o.,there is hundreds just waiting to be found,yonge st.is usually the leb.area,isn’t it now.
once in a restaraunt i asked one of my cooks to stay a little after his sched. shift end; and he said:”but martin my girlfriend promised me messy bum sex tonite” so i said : ” i would be less than human if i stood in the way of that no off you go with godspeed my man”
I eat Greek! =D
Haha Martym – I haven’t been to the t-dot in more then 10 years – but in calgary – if you love beautiful chinese and phillipino chicks – OMG its full – all over – and they know all about bum sex – all of them lol . And even some of those packistani chicks or similar – out here – wow – awesome looking and some are friendly too !!!! Now I know your a good man Martym – because you didn’t stand in the way of messy bum sex your buddy was getting – Three grams of stank weed for you !!!!