We met when I was 14, I was a young lad looking for a new adventure and you were a sweet drink offering up some fun. Things were grand back then and over the years we attended many awesome functions together and traveled around the world. Now, at 27 I find you utterly repulsive the day after we meet and my bank account looks at you with disdain and distrust. WHAT HAPPENED. In university we partied hard in the night and were still friends the next day. I met many of your friends of varying cultures and countries. You were a social butterfly that helped me meet so many people. Even when I entered the working world we knew we’d meet on weekends and then look forward to our outings next week. Now I look at your with a very cautious eye and wonder if it’s worth heading down the road of a morning full of regrets. Why did you have to go and change into a hateful spiteful person? Oh, why? —A Long Time Ago, We Used To Be Friends
This article appears in Jan 24-30, 2013.
A long time ago, in a drinking establishment far far away…
Your wallet will definitely be thanking you OP. Now you’ve got all that spare change for bumming smokes and buying chronic.
The Captain has hopped the dry train. No alcohol on this ship anymore.
It’s odd the number of people who ask me what my reason for not drinking is. Because, if you think about it, you actually need a reason to drink, not a reason to abstain. What a strange culture we’ve created.
Captain; Can I be in your shadow Navy?
Certainly, Seamen Sonic. All are welcome.
FYI: You don’t get paid. There’s no benefits besides bragging rights. We work weekends. And because of our environmentally responsible business war model, we don’t actually have boats, preferring instead to use a flotilla of low impact water wings.
Thats my type of fleet, any chance soup is served at ten? That will be my pay if it is. For now I will be Ordinary Seaman Sonic, I hope to progress the ranks though. I will be an excellent addition and I can run your Naval Boarding Party if the position is open/exists. I have experience and references if needed.
We’ve had many more advancements in the floating shoe department here at acme labs….
Perhaps you should look to upgrade your fleet.
http://media.tcpalm.com/media/img/photos/2…
The “soup” is served at ten, yes. There’ll be no need for references tho, your stellar career as a bitcher is more then enough experience for the position.
Interesting development, zZz. This is good intel.
Seamen Sonic! You’ve just been promoted to the Advanced Technology Implementation Division. Look into these floating shoes, and devise some possible war time strategies for their inevitable deployment.
Funny thing about booze. It starts off as something fun and something you choose. Then the years go by and the fun times get fewer and the shit hits the fan more often than not. In the end, you no longer choose it, it chooses you. It takes you over. You will neglect your personal care, your job, even the real important things like your family. But there is help and OP if I were you I would seek help NOW before it gets an even bigger hold on you. AA works wonders for some people who struggle with alcohol. Not me but someone close to me struggled for many years and now they are free. Try it out.
If they’re not styrofoam they will prove to be extremely useful in keeping to our environmentally responsible business war model. I’m actually thinking about a floating fort, it will be the new NDHQ. We will then need to recruit a rescue swimmer for mobility and a steward for endless amounts of elastics, and the soup. Worse case scenario, I have an old floater jacket for a sail, or sea anchor, and two cats that can be exploited or bartered.
PS: I kept this poem for a long time and it pretty much sums up booze:
Alcohol as a Remover
© Copyright, Christian Light Publications
Alcohol will remove stains from clothes. But stains from clothes are not the only things alcohol will remove.
Alcohol will remove the clothes as well.
Strange as it may seem, alcohol will do this not only for the man who drinks it, but also for his wife and children.
Alcohol will remove smiles from the faces of wives and mothers. Or husbands and fathers. It will remove laughter from the lips of innocent children. It will remove even the joy of playtime.
Alcohol will remove heat from the home, furniture from its rooms, and food from its table.
Alcohol is a great remover. As a remover of things alcohol has no peer.
It removes fine homes and leaves hovels.
It removes plenty and leaves poverty.
It removes fame and leaves shame.
It removes honor and leaves humiliation.
It removes self-esteem and leaves disgust.
But removing things is not all that alcohol will do. It not only removes stains, but also creates them.
Alcohol can quickly stain a reputation. Worse, it can gradually stain and deform a character. It can mar the potential of any man or woman who indulges. And it can ultimately ruin the person caught in its deceptive snare.
This doesn’t apply to everyone I realize that. But to the person who is struggling with booze as an addiction I think it captures the whole picture.
A mobile Command Center, eh? Well done, Seamen Sonic! I knew there was a reason we conscripted you.
We’ll have to hawk the cats, I’m afraid. Unless they’re well trained…
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_o93AaY0GzH4/S-vk…
There’s just no place for an untrained pussy on a boat crewed by amateur seamen.
We’ll also need to devise a plan to up our recruitment numbers. We’ll require additional trained staff to run our mobile unit. But what could entice more recruits?
… mentioning there’s an untrained pussy on board, perhaps?
we’ll have all the …. seamen…. you need.
Well, ones fat and the other’s a lunatic. We will hawk them, maybe barter for a Filipino sailor to boost our recruitment quota. They’re hard workers and expect very little in return. I also have a puppy that will make a great addition as mascot. Do you have any use for a previously owned turtle?
Wogdog; Can you post your Crack poem next?
zZz, feel like living the Navy life? There’s a position in our Recruiting Department with your name on it. You clearly exhibit the know-how to effectively bolster our ranks.
Know anything about Gene Splicing, Seamen Sonic? A Turtle Puppy cross-over would provide us with a mascot that is adequately intimidating, practical for our purposes, and cute as a button. I’m thinking…. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_BRoVIxDH4C8/TUsA…
But, if you feel like keeping both, I guess we can have a puppy mascot. I’ll find a different use for the Turtle. There’s always work to be done in the Captains Fleet.
I do know of Vivisection from the Island of Dr Moreau, having read the book and seen two versions of the movie I feel I am overly qualified to attempt a Turtle Puppy. If the world condemns our work, we shall sail to our own island and spread our seaman as Manifest Destiny. I will spread the word to bolster our ranks, check Kijiji soon for my ad.
xox
“If we value the pursuit of knowledge, we must be free to follow wherever that search may lead us. The free mind is no barking dog to be tethered on a ten-foot chain.” – So I say to those who condemn our great works.
We’re building something here, Seamen Sonic, something unprecedented.
You’ve proven yourself today, especially with the Kijiji ad strategy. A nice use of the enemy’s neo-technology to advance our own interests.
PG- You onboard? If yes, my love for you will cause me to leave my girl. I swear to god, I’ll do it.
Remember, we haven’t formed an ethics division so be liberal with the un-truths in all ads.
Once they’re out to see, they cannot simply wash their hands of our endeavors and will be worked like the traitorous scallywags they are.
Ethics division? HA! Don’t get your hopes up…
We’ve got a tight budget, and those sissy departments are the first things cut.
http://halifax.kijiji.ca/c-jobs-general-la…
Captain; For your approval the ad has been placed. If anything was omitted please let me know. I also feel the ethics division should be downsized immediately. If the position of Executive Officer has not been filled, can I recommend Sonic?
Aye, aye.
Screaming Fields of Sonic Love
Recommendation accepted.
Recruiting strategy approved.
Congratulations, Officer Sonic.
The Wheels of War have started turning…
yes my love my turtle dove, short posts from me i have plague
My first order as XO is to recruit paingirl, its unprofessional but I’m in love.
Paingirl; We posted at almost the same time, that must be a sign form the lord for us. A blessing of sorts.
teehee i will not clean the head, i will pump the bilge
paingirl, we will let the junior ranks handle cleaning stations. That way we can pump the bilge together, makes it go quicker when I’m not by myself.
easy big fella
I get that alot, I just have to much love to give and smiles to spread. Sometimes its overwhelming, but I have a reputation to live up to.
Captain, this is your XO. I’m starting to get replies for our newly formed Navy, I need your guidance. Theres also several resumes attached so they are qualified for what we need.
You gotta be shittin me…
Officer Sonic, report!
I step away from the helm for a few hours and come back to a line-up of fresh recruits. What’s their status? Are they ready for battle?
…are you actually getting serious responses? This has spiraled out of The Captain’s control.
Captain Sir, this has spiraled out of my control as well. The sea’s a tempting mistress to all I guess. One fellow has over 20 years experience throughout the merchant fleets and the other three strike me as unqualified land lubbers. The four of them seem very serious and have been asking about pay. I responded that we have been hired by an independent firm to collect various water samples but the logistics of our trip are sketchy at the moment as we had originally planned it for this summer. I did not mention battles as we don’t have a clear view of enemy forces.
Hmmm, enemy’s, yes. I hadn’t thought of any specific targets, just some general guerrilla tactics mayhem.
….. So where do we strike? May as well go straight for source.
http://usahitman.com/wp-content/uploads/20…
I know it’s landlocked, but that’s an obstacle easily overcome by The Captains Fleet!
Have the new recruits assembled at dockside for dawn. I want them on the quay ready for inspection and basic training. It’s going to be a busy day.
Boring.
Yes… yes you are.
Settle down straight-edge! You’re harshening my buzz.
And be quiet. Carl Weathers is talking shit to Jesse Ventura in a big ass helicopter.
Straight edge?! I dare ya to say that while staring into the Captains squinty bloodshot eyes!
“We’ve acquired a target. The hostiles are in a helicopter. Repeat. The hostiles are in a big ass helicopter”
Prep the weapons…
And you people have the gaul, to call LIFE SUCKS/BLOW ME nuts. Good God almighty, what a twisted bunch of losers. sorry WOGDOG, but I just had to make a comment on this. I know you said to chill out a few days ago, but this is just too manic for me to let go. but maybe these two are the sanest ones here? Gotta go get boys ready for the day.
“And you people have the gaul”
Well, my mother’s family name is Vercingetorix, sooooo………..
Now presenting the newest addition of the cockpuppet family: GET STUFFED. Jesus, Sucks, could you be more obvious? Especially pointing to LS/BM and Wag Bag as voices of reason – sort of like calling Stalin & Hitler humanitarians.
Creative writing 101. A journey to insightful journalism. Get to the fucking point! Why do some bitches have to garnish their bitches with thought provoking structure?
GET STUFFED is NUTS!!!
TTFN: Actually you’re the only puppet I see here. You are being controlled and manipulated by your own anger and bitterness. Nice call stupid!
Alcohol is a cruel master. Fun at first, but can quickly turn into a revolving door of shame, sorrow, and depression. It does not change, except for type, but it sure as hell changes you.
“cockpuppet”
lols
PisP
Shit. The only thing more awesome than TTFN’s way with words is the fat furry bastard (of da kitteh variety) sharing mah comfy bed as I type. Time for a nap, bitches.
*enjoys extended vacation surrounded with kittehs*
My anger and bitterness? Who you talking to, Sag Bag? I’m a very happy camper and there’s not a fucking thing you can say that makes it otherwise – besides, a rant from a 100% wool tootsie toaster isn’t too close to sanity, Sog Nog.
Captain Sir,
I had to delete the ad, my inbox was filling up. We have 13 people interested in joining the Fleet. I can forward the applicants for you approval Sir, but then I think maybe I went too far, oh well. If the enemy has been targeted then I must ask if my request for elastics has been approved.
Yours aye,
Screaming Fields of Sonic Love
I was introduced to the frothy delights of Real Ale back in Blighty when my late Father took me to the pub on my first home leave from the Royal Navy, at the tender age of 15. It was love at first gulp, there really isn’t anything nicer than a beer, cold or Brit warm, pint or bottled. Like most things, moderation is the word, I’m 61 and my love for suds is as strong now as it was then.
May the Lord Above, send down a dove
With wings as sharp as razors
To cut the throat of any bloke who sells bad beer to sailors.
TTFN: You sure don’t sound like it. Always looking for a fight. Get a friggen life would ya.
I see my post as chief recruitment officer has been taken over in my booze fueled absence.
I’ve only myself to blame…
though a land-locked target poses no adversity should we invest in the floating shoes artillery. They too work on land.
I’m not sure if you can see me, but I’m behind those colorful trees on the left awaiting orders.
Hahahahahahaha – Is the best you can come up with, Fig Wig? I guess a wooly brain is better than none. Fuck, Log Rot, if I need to get a life, you need to get a couple of dozen lives – OH WAIT – you have three or four lives, don’t you, my woolly little sockie-poo? I don’t suffer fools gladly, Pig Fig, and you are obviously their Queen (or King).
TTFN: Ever heard of verbal diaherrea? Your last post is just that. A lot of words amounting to shit all. Like I said, get a life. And that ADHD of yours could use some meds. My handle is wogdog, not all those other names you think are so funny. Your language could use some sprucing up as well. The EFF word used ad nauseaum is not very effective.
Oh, Dog Wad, I love watching you spit, flail and fart over fuck all. Jesus must be proud.
Really? Well small things amuse small minds I guess. Have fun now.
13 people, eh Sonic? I can’t believe what started as a joke actually ended up convincing a group of people that they had a chance to work on a ‘flotilla of water wings’.
This has caused the Captain to lose a little faith in the Human race.
Yarrr, I thinks Bazzer be anglin’ for the job of Shantyman.
Here ye go, mate
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EMUXwSEWIKw
Captain Sir,
Well put, thats why your running things. I also found it odd that the ad clearly mentioned we did not have a boat and all you got was bragging rights. Maybe we should stick to promotion within the ranks and not recruitment. But would you like any of the resumes, some are extremely over qualified. A couple marine engineers and even a medic (or so they claimed).
Screaming Fields of Sonic Love
PS- I’m also suprised Kijiji kept it up, I’ve posted some pretty crazy stuff on that website and my private email has been banned. I use my public email now, lol.
Sure, why the hell not. It’ll be some light reading for me.
try this one…
the_man_in_the_jacket@hotmail.com
Hopefully the ol’ highschool account is still active.
I don’t give out my personal e-mail. Confidentiality and National Security issues and all that. You understand.
Thats why I’m 83jonrotton1971@gmail.com. Digital security is my top concern.
Captain Sir,
They should be in your inbox.
Screaming Fields of Sonic Love
Wow….. some of those guys WERE qualified. Possibly more qualified than the Captain… possibly
What the hell is a pilot, a mechanical engineer, and an actual sailor doing replying to that ad?!
‘… a flotilla of water wings.’
???
Is there an awesome ship called The Water Wing that I don’t know about? These are smart educated people. Apparently people who fly planes. How do you even… I mean read the ad… it’s……..
http://synapticnulship.com/blog/wp-content…
http://synapticnulship.com/blog/wp-content…
Just one of those mornings
So, you want a Water Wing, huh Keptin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSYmSnpQ360
And, did somebody mention an aircraft carrier made out of an iceberg?
http://www.theantarcticbookofcookingandcle…
The Captain just updated his Christmas wish list >;)
Captain Sir,
People amaze me at times. A number of months ago I had put an ad up looking to “swap” a pile of dead batteries for a couple new “AA”s. The responses were overwhelming. I also had put an ad up to sell an official hockey puck signed by Wayne (Gretzky), or just some guy named Wayne. Only a few responses for that, but some were interested.
I’m the Keptin now. My eyes is all blood-shot and fried-rice-lookin’!
Groovy.