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Holy carp! This sea is vast and wondrous and I’m so glad to have swam up next to you. You make me weak in the jellyfish. All oceanic puns intended, I’m your moonbeam fo’ life in this octopus’s garden. —Full Moon Sailor
This article appears in Nov 1-7, 2012.
86 Comments
Well, sailor, time & tide wait for no one, so you’d best get kraken…
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/comm…
Yes, I know. I suck.
what an abyss-mal pun!
you gotta come to a summit good dog
i wouldn’t be any fun, i’m shy in person.
That’s ok, there’s plenty of loud-mouths to keep the conversation going.
shy?!? sorry that doesn’t count^^
let’s go back to punning!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears:
Bump…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.
FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
On his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door!
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and,
(hopefully you’re ready for this!!!)
The coffin stops.
GDM….LOL..Thanks for the laugh.Too FN Funny.
I’m rather shy in person as well Good Dog.I went to the last summit and basically just sat only speaking a couple times.But everyone was super kind,funny as hell and I felt welcomed.I also got some hugs before leaving.You should come Mad Good,I’d like to meet you,PK and Painy as well. 🙂
it’s otay good dog, i’m sure with our shared interests we will eventually meet up…woof meow
paingirl…some cute dogs
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvfIjQ7K-x8…
thanks good dog, saweet
2 prisoners escape from their prison deep in the desert, and go on the lam. They walk aimlessly for days, becoming increasingly delirious with thirst and hunger. Finally, just as they were about to pack it in, they get a whiff of something incredible.
“Do you SMELL THAT?!” asked the 1st fugitive.
“OMG! I DO. It smell’s like….Nooo! It couldn’t be!” says the 2nd fugitive
“BACON!” exclaimed the 1st.
“YES! You’re right! That IS bacon!” cried the 2nd. “But where is it coming from?”
With renewed vigour, the 2 start quickly walking in the direction of where the heavenly aroma seemed to be the strongest.
Just as they rounded the crest of a sand dune, before their eyes, there appeared a huge tree and hanging heavy from every branch was, you guessed it, BACON! Every type of bacon known to man was on this incredible tree. Maple bacon, Canadian bacon, pea-meal bacon, thick cut, thin cut, lean, fat, you name it! And the aroma! Ambrosia!
The 2 fugitives could hardly believe their eyes. Stupified, they rubbed their eyes thinking it was all just a cruel mirage, but, when they opened them again, there this magnificent tree stood, proud as day! “Jesus Christ! It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!” they shouted.
Over-joyed at their incredible discovery, the men began to laugh and dance around. After a couple of minutes, the 1st fugitive broke into full sprint towards the tree, not able to resist his hunger any longer. The 2nd fugitive, being older and slower, ran after the 1st but was well behind.
Just as the 1st fugitive reached the tree and stretched out his arm to pluck a long, juicy slice of bacon from a low hanging branch, a prison guard popped up from behind a rock with a machine gun and started to open fire, mortally wounding the 1st man. He fell to the ground but, thinking immediately of his companion running after him, he shouted, “STOP! RUN AWAY! WE WERE WRONG! IT’S NOT A BACON TREE……IT’S A HAM-BUSH!”
Ba-dum-ching! Thank you, thank you. You’ve been a wonderful audience. I’m here all week. Don’t forget to tip your waitress.
^^ throwing BLT’s shaped like roses.
eggs benny! but that’s messy and a waste
in keeping with both themes…
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in
his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says,
“I’ll just have the eggs Benedict.” His order comes a while later and
it is served on a big, shiny, truck hubcap. He asks the waiter, “What’s with
the hubcap?” The waiter says, “Well, there’s no plates like chrome for
the hollandaise.”
sorry i love this gif http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/zach-galifian…
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz yes!
…:) :)…Pretty dry Zed.
A dog limps into an old western bar, leg in a sling, and says….”I’m looking for the man who shot my paw”.
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-_WnRfXOBdKg/T9Di…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=in7yLZJ7A6Y
Does “Full Moon Sailor” sound like a Sailor Moon porn parody to anyone else? No? I’ll be leaving now…
The post makes no sense to me and if the comments are anything to go by, it doesn’t make sense to anyone else either.
I’m with you Sunshine! I’ve haddock with this thread. There’s no plaice for this kind of carp. All these unabassed punners, I’d like to knock them off their perch but I like herring on the side of caution.
holy mackeral, you’d sing a different tuna, or i haven’t smelt something fishy
char de char char
Gouda you brie any more cheesy?
that’s a halvah thing to say!
Zed, I’m mad at you >:|
I figured as much.
Though do to an insatiable thirst on Saturday….
come time to hop the bus, I was in no shape to be in public.
I definitely needed that extra hours sleep though….
i didn’t go either zedman, i keep missing mr fat
Sooo you got drunk and ditched us, mr zed, huh?
I was looking forward to all that sexiness up in there.
And dear bread lady — we really missed you!!! Hope all’s well!
Well the booze wasn’t going to drink itself….
god knows what you crazies would have had me do in my highly influential state.
Besides, it’ll be soon enough.
You’ll probably have another before the busy holiday season approaches… no?
Yes, and you’ll probably bitch out on that one too.
Ya missed a good one Zed….my spanikopita was awesome, but the company was even better….looks like I missed out on a few funnies tho–thanks for making me laugh on my Monday guys…next time it comes around I’ll tell you all about the bear from Burnaby BC who couln’t get served in a bar;)
We’ll have to see when it is, I suppose.
I have a few engagements planned prior to when Christmas is celebrated but also a few swaths of free time.
I’m just sad because I saved you a seat right beside me, zed. All ready for that hot ass. *sniff*
Hay shesang — you have an admirer who would like to get in touch with you. Email me: prettykittylady@gmail.com for further details!!!
And this summit was quite lovely. Thomas was very subdued and less angry-young-white-guy-who-doesn’t-have-change-for-the-bridge-and-gets-mad-when-the-bridge-dude-won’t-let-him-give-them-a-handwritten-IOU-and-won’t-get-a-fucking-macpass-esque (Mel’s influence, I’m assuming, who was as delightful as ever! :P), Hugo was dashing in his fancy duds, Captain was engaging for both the mind and eye (can we say sexy beast?), Boru was sweet and charming (great meeting you!), Ivan was a bad ass and sobova was as lovely as ever, Brendon was getting ALL the pussy, shesang was hilarious and a total sweetheart (great meeting you!) and biscuit was… as biscuity as ever.
Great evening with great food and even better company!!!
It would be really cool to meet you Zedster, hope you can make it next time…and I may have an extra Heavy Metal classic around here somewhere for ya dude (i’ll look):)
i promise zed, i’ll only bring homemade cookies no fecking chocolate oranges
I don’t need to be bribed…
though it certainly doesn’t hurt.
🙂
I’ll likely attend so long as I’m not booked up already.
More notice the better.
Hey Pretty Kitty Lady:) So great to meet you too!! I had an awesome time! Everyone was really cool, and sitting across from biscuit and the orgasmatron (and beside mrs. sonofabitch;P) was super fun….it is also very exciting to have an admire!! I will drop you an email very soon and am looking forward to deets;) Thanks again for organizing such a fun eve!! Hope you are having a supercool day:)
maybe we like bribing you Zed…..or it could be something strangely oedipal…your guess is as good as mine;)
i try to use my magic hands for good not evil. trying not to throttle people is always a challenge
PK, I never told you about my crush on SheSang! How did you kn….. Ooo, I may have said too much :S
>;)
Good Luck with the admirer, SS!
Oh Captain my Captain….maybe i have a little crush on you too;)
Why thank you, SheSang! You’ve got a purdy face 😉
Alas, I’m not actually the one PK was referring to. It seems you’ve drawn a little attention to yourself. Not more than you can handle, I hope
Wow Captain, i must say, i am both floored and flattered:)…i will definitely drop PK a line, but i am not really used to so much attention…by the way Cap, i think you are pretty handsome yourself AND fine company–might you be brave enough (or crazy enough) to join me in a little winter surfing sometime soon? Maybe a little something to warm up with after (i may have some single malt around here)…possibly camcorder-worthy, even if we don’t end up in the sea;) Let me know…could be a fun adventure!!
I need a lime green sweater vest.
To suggest other colours, email me at theycallmebiscuit@hotmail.com
2:1 odds Zed’ll get drunk again and ditch us.
It’s hilarious because when someone asked me if you were coming, zed, I said “he’s probably passed out in a ditch somewhere.”
Not far off!
In any event, you’ve got one more chance then my affections are being directed elsewhere. You’ve been warned.
Zed I’ve been through some rough shit(along with a heart break or two) so far in my life so, if you want to talk or just sit quitely over coffee or tea and pie, I’m there.
mmmmm I lovesma pie.
You surf, SheSang?! That’s rad! I live with a surfer chic, and have been dieing to try. I may have to take you up on your offer….. for the surfing, of course 😉
Biscuit – Burnt Sienna – once you’ve tried it, you’ll never go …ummmm…..to Vienna?
Fucking rhyme schemes .Grrrrrrrr.
Would love to take you surfing any time with me Cap! Everyone else welcome also–i am seriously looking for a winter surf bud! Boru and Zed–think about it! Single malt optional (of course)…but only a crazy person would opt not to have scotch;P
Had I ventured out, I’m certain that would have been where I wound up…
taking such sound advice from Ricky as using swiss chalet containers for pillows.
Maybe even eating 9 cans of ravioli I pry open with my own bare hands.
Wasn’t purple fire supposed to join us as well?
Where’s her public shaming for ‘ditching’?
is anyone else nervous about the american election? for me, it boils down to this, if romney and obama were regular guys whose house would you want to go to for dinner? i know i’d rather have a beer and shoot hoops as opposed to talking about magic underwear and the planet kolob
terrified. all i can think of is the movie damien. he is so creepy. so plastic. just like harper. sociopath. all that talk about ‘destiny’ oh lord.
it isn’t even about economic policy. romney is insane.
Hey Cap–would love to take you surfing with me! I’m looking for a surf buddy!! Everyone is welcome! Boru and Zed you should both think about it!! And we could just stick to the hang-out time with a little scotch, if the weather’s too cold!!
Obama may not have done much in 4 years but the important factor is, he hasn’t done anything majorly stupid in that time, either. So, its the kenyan Muslim over the plastic Mormon for this right-wingnut. I do oppose his drone strikes on pakistani weddings, though. He should be striking pakistani divorces, as well. When the imam says
“You may now iginite the bride” – THATS when the hellfire missiles should hit. >: )
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/__voWzA8Vefc/TBqy…
“Wasn’t purple fire supposed to join us as well? Where’s her public shaming for ‘ditching’?”
PF was sick in bed.
I’m not shaming, I’m just particularly annoyed by flakiness these days.
As per the yanks — if they’re stupid enough to elect some asshole with a God complex, then they deserve what they get.
Dealio! Sounds like a plan, SheSang! Nothing beats a shot of scotch to warm the heart on a cold Autumn day. I can’t wait to try surfing! After that, the next thing on the list is skydiving.
Paingirl, I’m terrified as well. I don’t want another Religious Crusader running a country with a Military Industrial Complex. I’m hoping for another 4 years of Obama.
Sorry for doubling the post–phone is fritzy today…….elections south of the border and even my phone is freaking out!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the romneys remind me of stepford people, and when ann romney was asked why women shouldn’t be paid the same as men she said “men have been working longer than women, they should be paid more” okay june cleaver here’s your apron *shudder*
Shesang, I should have asked this question on saturday and I apologize in advance for it’s seeming silliness, but are you also Nurse Hezz?
Hey Ivan–thanks for asking, but no, I’m not Nurse Hezz…she seems pretty right on tho, so really, thanks;)
Not 1 BUT 2 intelligent, funny blond nurses. Wow, what are the odds.
We are blessed.
“Not 1 BUT 2 intelligent, funny blond nurses.”
I know! It’s almost too much for one man to flirt with, Ivan. >;)
i was on cnn site because it’s like poking a sore tooth, saw an article on romney and his faith. my damien thoughts may have been creepier than i first thought.
in 1968 romney was in france doing mormon missionary work. the car he was driving was hit by a speeding mercedes driven by a catholic priest. he was pronounced dead by the police office who attended. ‘il est mort’ .
his boss’s wife did die, however, and his boss grew depressed and left the mission. romney, not dead at all, took over.
all i can think of is some wierd vatican jesuit group dedicated to keeping him from becoming president even back then.
I’ll definitely join in the scotch… but my balance is shit.
I’m sure I’d be doing less surfing and more ‘shark bait’ing.
Keptin – OMFG iknorite?
GDM – Copyright that idea in the off chance that Dan Brown reads this site.
Awwww, Ivan and Cap, you guys are so sweet (blush)…and Cap, even a little practice-flirting is fun (can get you through a rough day and maintain a smile on your face;))
….Zed, you are more than welcome to partake in the scotch, but you might reconsider the surfing–i am pretty crappy at it, but even just being in the ocean and tooling around on the board is fun…btw guys, bought my first board when i got home from TO (a sweeeeeet custom twin-fin fixer-upper from the 80s…cleaned all the old wax off it yest, then shined her up as pretty as i could….am getting itchy to get out there, but will have to rent a board until i am thru with the refit, but that’s ok, surfshop is open all year round!!
@Zed: you ride, so your balance is actually prob pretty awseome!
Practice flirting IS fun! And it’s always a bonus to make people smile 🙂
The Surf Shop is open year round? I’m assuming it’s at Lawrencetown beach. They got wet suits too? My racers aren’t exactly thermally efficient
@ivan: although a surfboard is less stable and…well…armoured than a tank, you and the missus might enjoy it!! GDM, you too (the ocean is an easy place to be if you are shy)….maybe we should hold the next summit at the beach–waves and a bonfire…PK seems to have magic powers with people and gatherings, so i bet she could make it happen;) AND we could discuss roles and strategies with regards to the upcoming Zombie apocalypse!!!
@Zed: re: ‘shark bait’ Don’t worry, i won’t let the sharks eat you…i may let a megalodon (SP?) eat you, but not a shark….and, i promise, i’ll only let the megalodon eat you AFTER it eats me, and even then, ONLY if I am satisfied afterwards–hahaha….we shuld ask Troodon to come (maybe Persevere too), for underwater critter-control, then you really MIGHT be safe;)
Blue loves the beach in winter, maybe we’ll come by and watch you guys freeze =)
It’ll be a cold day in my banana-hammock.
better pack plenty of scotch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uyYhFsXdZVk
the beaches are for dogs! in the winter time (well you humans can have the waves)
i got a bottle of glenora from the cask when i was on vacation, but it’s just a little thing, wouldn’t be enough for everyone, maybe i will just keep it to myself. hahahaha
zzz just grease yourself down, slather it on. good protection for the star spangled banana
The only way to get me in the water during the winter is to get me loaded, 🙂 :)It does sound like it would be a blast though.I’d love to stay on the beach to play with GDM and Hugo’s dogs.Living alone is a bitch….I miss me dog.
ok, wasn’t sure if i wanted to post this about my medical emergency with the puppy NOOFER or not, but decided i should, as it could help save someone else from going through the same thing. a lesson learned. usually after their 1 hour hike in the morning they both settle down for a solid 3 hour nap while i work. but around 11 i heard the noofer crying a little bit. at first i ignored it, he is pretty emotional and let’s it all hang out as far as his little feelings are concerned. plus there were guys on the roof down the street and he always wants to ‘go see’ . he was lying on his noofer-throne in the front bay window. finally i called him over and he jumped up, rushed over and flopped on his back, waving his legs in the air for a belly rub. but he also whipped his head down there and was licking. not like the noofer at all. for a boy doggy, he is pretty polite. so i put my hands on him to give him a scratch and felt this god-awful LUMP. i immediately freaked out, and he cried, and molly started up and i couldn’t get a clear look at it, but i felt it. i grabbed the phone, already bawling my eyes out and speed dialled the vet. they told me i could come in at 3. my gawd, that long? but that was the best she could do, as he wasn’t bleeding and didn’t seem to be in any pain. then i phoned diane and told her to leave work and meet me at the vets. then the vet called back and said she could see him at 1. meanwhile i tripped while rushing around (fell over my own slippers) and banged up both knees, lay on the floor for a couple of minutes, doing a bone checklist, counting the pretty stars, dogs jumping all around me licking my face. finally hauled myself up, and let the dogs out for a quick piddle before we hauled *ss to the vets to camp on the doorstep. noofer piddled just fine, so i body slammed him to the floor to once again look at his gigantic, probably cancerous, imminent death lump. it was gone. hmmm. however, as i kept feeling around, it came back. hmmmm so i checked the internet, made a few calls to stop the triage team at the hospital. and now diane is home and calling our sweet puppy ‘boner boy’.
GDM You were getting your sexually excited.That’s way too funny Good Dog.Thank God he’s ok.:p
Kji Ivan would vote for Barack O’Lenin? :O
Hey GDM, that is absolutely hiarious!!! Boner Boy is not just a ‘good dog’ he’s a ‘good-to-go’ dog!! And you caught him having little puppy wet-dreams too–aawwwwwww!!! You and Hugo should come to the beach with the growing water-baby brigade!!! Biscuit, you and PK and Orgasmatron (I love that name) should come out too (wetsuits are warm and water is actually nice in early Nov)!!!…btw Bickie, am gonna email you about that vest:P. And Captain!!! Yes yes yes!!! The surfshop is Kannon Beach Wind and Surf and it is right before the beach in the basement of the MacDonald House. Gear rental is about 30/35 bucks total and includes roofracks (if needed). Email me at shesang@hotmail.ca and we’ll figure it out if you’re really up for giving it a try sometime soon:)….and hey everyone, I am sure we could get the gang (whoever needs a ride) out, if you guys are really interested in some sort of winter beach fun!!! Not too sure if there’s room for that gigantor boner tho, GDM (:D lol-kidding…always room for puppies, boners optional;))
GDM i meant to say you were sexually exciting your dog.Lol
Anyway. I’m happy that your pup is well.I hope you are feeling ok too.
Doesn’t matter who wins, Biscuit. My portfolio is gonna be lookin’ Sa-weeeet!
http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2010/176…
Ivan, that is a very nice looking toy. I betcha that’s topping your Christmas wish-list this year!
You know it, Bra. I’ll be sitting out on my balcony next summer guiding in strafing runs on the bluebaggers who rifle through the recycling bins in the wee hours of the morning.
i want one of those ivan. put me on the waiting list. ’cause i have a HUGE list that needs taking out.
yeah, boner-boy is fine, i am keeping my hands to meself. it wasn’t his little red rocket, it was something to lock him in place when he is using his dingus , if he weren’t disarmed already. my first male dog. go figure.