Yea, yea, yea, we get that you hate bouncers. But if you want to accuse specific bouncers working in specifically named businesses of doing bad or illegal shit, you ain’t gonna do it here.
This article appears in Aug 21-27, 2008.
Bouncers
Yea, yea, yea, we get that you hate bouncers. But if you want to accuse specific bouncers working in specifically named businesses of doing bad or illegal shit, you ain’t gonna do it here.
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Hahahaha This looks like a nice spot to set up camp for the evening.
You’ve got a strange sense of fun there, Qwerty.
Can’t argue.
So, how do we get this fired up. Wax poetic about Neanderthal bouncers we’ve seen in action, they’re higher than average I.Q. or they’re ever so cuddly personality. There can be 1000 jumping off points I guess:)
I Guess I might have scared off Qwerty, sorry bout that man/woman/child, too quiet for way too long on this thread. Had tons of options for fun fuckery though.
BM, maybe you scared her off with the words Wax Poetic. Whenever I hear/see that, it reminds me of that awful BNL song lyric “I wax poetic while you wax your legs” Quite possibly the worst phrasing of all time… Now If I were trying to scare someone off I would try something like:MacArthur Park… “I’ll never have that recipe again”…. orJoel Plastic… “Switch him, do the switcheroo”…
I’m still scared, but I’m facing my fears.I fucking thought today was Wednesday until about 6 minutes go. Fuck. Not that anything’s so great about Wednesday, but TUESDAY??? Again? We just had Tuesday last week, and it sucked ass then, too. Boooooooo.
Rumour has it another Tuesday is only 7 days away.
Well, now’s a good time to reveal my new hobby: writing hillbilly romance. Tuesday just got a WHOLE lot spicier, Baby!It was high noon on a Tuesday. Elvina was just waking up from her bingo hangover, when a knock came on the trailer door.“Dang, who could that be?” She wheezed, lighting an Export “A” green death cig. She harboured a secret desire that it was Pastor Boondock, whom she’d met at a Baptist revival nine years hence.She pulled on a blue mumu, her favourite, and pink fuzzy slippers. Kicking three cats out of the way, she creaked open the rusty trailer door.It wasn’t Pastor Boondock.Before her stood LeeRoy BillyRay McGillicuddy, the church janitor, in all his manly glory. A thick pelt of black chest hair peeked out from his nearly-new wife beater shirt. She could smell his tobacco plug as he chewed slowly. He spat seductively, and grinned, revealing a nearly full row of gleaming teeth.“Mornin’ Ma’am….” he drawled, and Elvina felt her woman parts lurch, almost as strongly as when the pastor’s strong Virginia accent soared above the rafters of the old church on the hill.To be continued….
Now that’s a Hillbilly romance I want to hear more about, ummmmm maybe. I’ll wait for page 2 before I really commit though, or if it reminds me of my erstwhile Hillbilly upbringing. You know, something that rings of familiarity.
I sure hope there’s a part in this hillbilly romance about a possum… Or is that an o’possum… Either way I just can’t wait… Hurry up with the next page Tasha… Hurry.
Trailer Park Tryst: Second Installment“What’you want LeeRoy?” Elvina asked suspiciously, aware of his reputation for being a rogue and a lady’s man. LeeRoy paused, looking for all the world like a possum caught in the headlights of my Daddy’s Ford/Chevy/Mexican noname pick-up truck. “Well, Ma’am…I reckon I’m here to collect on a promise.”Elvina’s heart caught in her throat, like that possum stew gone bad. LeeRoy must’ve picked up on her confusion (which is sometimes difficult with her one wall-eye) and stammered quickly “coffee…you invited me to come by anytime…”“Well….you’d best come inside” she replied after a minute’s reflection. Truthfully, Elvina didn’t remember inviting him, but she’d been hitting the moonshine pretty hard lately and her memory weren’t what it used to be. She moved quickly into the tiny kitchen, aware of his eyes on her backside. Her Daddy always said she was at least three ax-handles across the beam, but since joining Jenny Craig, she reckoned she were only two.Boiling the kettle and spooning Sanka into the cups, Elvina considered what to say next. LeeRoy seemed ill at ease, but that could’ve been because her old hound-dog, Aloyisious Curly-Cue had taken a shine to the visitor’s leg.“Where’d you get them there tattoos?” she asked, eyeing his ink-stained forearm. He had lost his other arm in a combine nigh-on seven years ago.“Them are the finest jailhouse tattoos you could ever get” he chuckled proudly. Shaking Aloyisious off his leg, he rose abruptly. “But speaking of ‘finest’….well Elvina, I just gotta say that you got the best set of dirty pillows I ever done seen.”Elvina gasped. “Why LeeRoy…I didn’t know you could talk so…well, so purdy…”The plot thickens….
Is there room for a Who-er in this romance? You know…for realism, and all.
Yeah Plonk, I’m hoping there’s a part about a who-er AND a possum in the third installment.Tasha woman, that’s a might fine writin’ style yu got there… Bravo!!!
Yup I’m committed, and none of it smells like my youth. Keep whackin @ the keyboard Tasha, it’s riveting.
Tasha, I used to be fond of you. I used to admire your thread weaving abilities. I used to like your style on the coast. But now… now… I don’t have words.You take my breath away. It’s almost un canning. And non versial. I hope you had your oat bran today, shi… whoops. Scratch that last one.
Well shucks guys, thanks for the feedback.First, a correction: in the first installment, “nine years hence” should read “nine days prior” and apologies for the wandering P.O.V. (Damn it’s hard to get good editing these days)’Now, gather round, children for the next installment. Where were we? Oh, yes:Elvina turned swiftly, and busied herself with stirring the coffee. “How bout some hair of the dawg?” she asked, adding liquor from a mason jar.“No Ma’am, never in the morning!” LeeRoy answered.“Well, then,” she said, dousing his cup liberally, “Good thing it’s high noon.”They drank.Elvina felt a stirring as she watched his adam’s apple woggle up and down as he gulped. There was a fire in her belly as surely as in the pits of Hell Everlastin’. “So, Sonny-Boy…” she purred “the only question is: coffee, tea or me?”With that, she whipped off her mumu quick as you please.LeeRoy stared, agog.Never in his life had he beheld such a speciman. She was like no other: the Venus of Willendorf made flesh.“I still got it” she mused inwardly. It had been a while since a man had looked at her with such open lust. Not since her days at the T&A Bar where she was known to do a certain thing with bubblegum. Yissirree, Bob…she was famous in those days. Maybe she should go back, take another swing round that pole for old time’s sake….“Well Boy,” she drawled “don’t jest stand there ketchin flies!”He whistled, long and low through the gap where his front tooth used to be. He sprang at her, reaching with his one callused hand.“But wait,” she paused, in a way only a woman can. He landed roughly against the counter, the keys in his pocket making him groan loudly. “What about the Who-er Lurlene?”
I no longer wonder what would be the direct opposite of Coronation Street! I’m just waitin’ for that ever-helpful wag to come along and tell Tasha she’s a terrible speller without reading the other posts. That might be the only way this can get funnier.
GASP! Lurlene?! She sounds like a who-er. Say it ain’t so, LeeRoy!
And now, my darlings, the last installment of the day:LeeRoy blinked. “Who?” he asked.“Don’t play cute with me! LURLENE….you know, the waitress at the T&A who done wrastles with them possums on Fridays?”He smirked. “Elvina, Honey, don’t tell me you’re jealous. Lurlene don’t mean nothin’!”“That ain’t what I heard,” Elvina spat, pulling the mumu back over her hair rollers “I heard that you two’s REAL close….Don’t you go expectin’ me to give up my chassy to you, CAD!”“CHASSY?” was his retort “Elvina, you got five kids…there’s Buford, Bubba, Willie-May, and the twins Jebidiah and Jethro…where are them kids anyway?”“They’s out on the freeway sellin’ bad vegetables to the city folk” with this, she cackled a little, shaking her head “Them city-types shore do talk a whole lot a nuthin’…..but yeah, Pastor Boondock done warshed away my sins.”“Ain’t Pastor Boondock the twin’s daddy?” LeeRoy asked, rubbing his key injury.“That ain’t the point” Elvina snapped “he done warshed away my sins in the river; now I’s pure as the driven snow.” Her one wall eye rolled slightly in ecstacy.“Now I gotta be careful who I give up my chassy to” she said primly, shoving him out the door “now I’ll thank you Sir, to git off my land!”“Elvina, I left my John Deere cap on your table” LeeRoy yelled as she slammed the door.“Well…ok then, jest bring it to church on Sunday” his muffled voice sand sadly as he walked away.Elvina sighed, looking down at her mammoth bosom. “Well Girls, looks like no ‘Glory Halleujah’ for us today.”She lit another cig, and prepared her food stamps and coupons for the day’s shopping trip to the Piggly Wiggly.
Fucking hilarious, absolutely fucking hilarious.
How can they make love if they can’t make amends?How can they be lovers if they can’t be, can’t be friends?Thanks Tash. You made my Tuesday a helluva lot brighter. Please have a blog.
* thunderous applause*… Wow..!!!* chanting*… “More… More… More…”