This will probably get a Coast Sucks tag ( which it does not by the way ) but I must object – bitch even- to the web editor being so fast on the draw with labelling any and all break up bitches as boring. I will agree while most of them are the same repetitive sophomoric nonsense, some of them are down right hilarious to read and even more fun to rip up publicly.
In the spirit of goofing off while at work on a Friday, I challenge all of you to post your most hilarious/disastrous breakup/date story.
Rules : It must be a true story, must include you age at the time of the breakup and/or date.
—Lovinglife
This article appears in Jul 30 – Aug 5, 2009.
That’s an awesome idea lovinglife… I wish I had something to contribute…
1973 – I’m 19 and engaged to a jock from UPEI. I went to visit him in Charlottetown, staying at a hotel since he was living in a rooming house at the time. Anyway, I’m expecting him to come over the night I arrive – instead, he sends over his best friend to tell me that my guy is getting married the following week to some knocked up nurse who threatened to kill herself if he didn’t make an honest woman out of her. In fact, I discovered the creep was not only seeing the nurse but another girl as well. To top it off, the goddamn friend tried to put the moves on me. Well, I went beserk and threw a lamp and an ashtray at him before he ran for his life. I hitchhiked back to Halifax at 4 a.m. on a rainy November day, bawling my eyes out. It was the stuff of bad country songs.
There is a happy ending to my story. Arsehole married the nurse for 10 days before he discovered she had lied about her pregnancy – he went on to marry three other women, gained about 200 pounds and is still cheating on his current partner although he looks like a pot bellied pig on two legs. As far as I’m concerned, it was a bullet dodged.
Thanks for sharing, TTFN. Jocks suck. Pretty boys do. They really do!
1989 – I get home from an extended hospital stay delivering his baby and I get a confession while changing my first born. In a nutshell… “Honey, I fucked that whore you chased off 6 months ago. I told her you were my sister so she was here the whole time you were in the hospital. I fucked her in your bed. Oh, and she gave me crabs, that’s why I shaved. Wanna see? Forgive me?”
NOT
Bullet dodged? Oh yeah. I kicked him out but he left the province. My son never knew his father and now that he’s an adult and could track him down he doesn’t want to. Can’t say I blame him. No birthday cards, no phone calls, no support, nothing but a dead-beat who donated a single sperm our son’s life.
My story isn’t half as bad as the other ones but it pissed me off at the time…
2004 – I was dating this guy for six months. Things started out great but I noticed in the last month they were getting pretty tense. This guy just kept getting worse and worse; basically just being a complete asshole and intentionally saying and doing things to hurt my feelings (example: telling me that if I didn’t want to put up with him that there were plenty of other girls, including his ex gf who he talked to on a frequent basis, that he could get with).
Needless to say I got completely sick of his shit and confronted him and told him I didn’t think we should see each other anymore. He says “Yeah, I have been wanting to break up for about a month but I didn’t want to be the one who did it so I’ve just been acting like an asshole!”… My response “way to be a man about the whole situation; kindly go fuck yourself.”
And like the other commenters have said, since then things have been looking up for me and down for him. Karma is a beautiful thing 😛
2003 – I was in university, working part time in fast food, when I met a charming badass. He had an eyebrow pierced, and few tattoos and was stretching the piercings in his earlobes. He was hot. We dated for a few months, then he left town because he couldn’t afford to live there making minimum wage, and I was left crying. But that’s not the end.
2005 – charming badass was back in my life. I pierced my nose and my eyebrow, he agreed to come visit me over Christmas for a reunion of sorts. He convinced me we were meant to be together. He visited every second weekend for three months, promising me a kitten and making plans to move to Halifax when I graduated. We got pierced together one weekend when I got my industrial done and he got his bridge.
At the end of the three months he broke up with me again, over msn this time, saying he needed to move and couldn’t stand the people he was living with (at this time I was 2 months from graduation and supposedly moving in with him), and needed to get away from the east coast. I was upset, but recognized his behaviour from the time before. Over the next few months he moved to Ontario, became a piercer and became a crack head. I stopped talking to him and have never looked back.
Moral of the story: bad boys may be appealing, but they’re called bad boys for a reason. They really are bad.
2002 – As a young buck prancing around happily on a local university campus, there is a young philly who catches my eye. Being the fearless stud I am, I approach here after class and manage to awkwardly force conversation with her that ends up in me blurting out an invitation to a movie – despite the beads of sweat on my forehead she agrees.
We are at the movie and things are going pretty well until the entire row in front of us is taken up by her recent ex boyfriend and about 7 of his knuckle dragging buddies. We were seated first and the theatre had already darkened in preparation for the previews. She has a near panic attack and points him out to me. In the time between the previews and the actual movie I overhear the who guy was pointed out as the ex regal his friends with the story of why they broke up ( someone in his group asked )
I learned from my dates ex boyfriend, who was sitting not 5 feet away in a darkened theatre that the reason my date was single and available to go to a movie with me was because she was had boarder line personality and contracted an STD from dragging strangers home from downtown as a form of acting out sexually -not the language he used but I am prettying it up for public consumption. I also learned that she likes to stand up and scream at her ex boyfriends in public places, such as movie theatres, when they talk about her in such a manner. Made a HUGE scene in front of a busy theatre. We were asked to leave. it was mortify and awkward to say the least. We left and she just said she was too upset to be around anyone and wanted to go back to her apartment. I didn’t object.
Needless to say there was no date #2.
the worst part about it, had to see her in one of my classes three times a week for the remainder of the semester
I don’t have a crazy break up story. They’ve all been pretty much normal break ups. Now I’m wishing I had a good one!
ladies,there always a creep who doesn’t like a little bit of a thing called,responsibility.that being said,i as a male have had a few heart wrenching times myself.my first wife got killed by a drunk driver,my second screwed around on me,and gave me the clap,my third was an alchoholic,my last female friend,just up and left,no reason,except that she didn’t want a relationship anymore.and if you look at my handle here,you will know the reason behind it.i am not a bad person,just a sucker for women,all women.and do i treat them bad,nope,i put them before all else.after all,if you aren’t happy,how can i be.
Easy Going Gal & Sarah1984, those are textbook boring ass break up stories.
Life Sucks… indeed. My heart weeps for you.
So you’ve had crabs, Kay?
uh… no, you?
I got them once from this dude who let me hang with him while his sister was in the hospital having a baby. He was super gay.
wouldn’t surprise me
Ha ha
Kay, you’re alright.
My roommate got body lice one time and I made her throw her mattress out before I set fire to it. But deep down, I didn’t want to hear those million tiny screams…
LOL you guys really crack me up sometimes
I’ll describe my break up story as my crack(like) addiction to iced coffee…
March 2009 – After months and months of my love affair with Dunkin Donuts mocha swirl, I was forced to break off the engagement after realizing that my long time friend was no longer able to please me. Sure, he tasted delicious. But his ”caffeine” was starting to wear off the longer I stayed with him, and before long I was sucking 4 to 5 cups per day and still felt no buzz. It was hard, but I dumped him. Literally. In the trash. He took it pretty hard and gave me a caffeine withdrawral for two weeks, but I’ve recovered since. Since then, I’ve met a wonderful new boy named Tea, and let me tell you, he is HOT!
…True life.
I’ve been drinking in fruit flies for the last hour. Not nearly as refreshing as a rum and coke. More…buggy.
I think I’m dating Duncan cousin Tim. Its a very one sided relationship. I keep looking for my fix. No matter how many times I see him a day, I don’t get that buzz like I used to! Hopefully ill be strong like you someday dino!
My last girlfriend was a jealouse wreck. She would relentlessly accuse me having affairs with female friends of mine. If I didn’t answer the phone it would be because I was off with another girl. If I went to a movie, she wouldn’t ask ‘what movie?’, but rather ‘with who?!’ – when I’d truthfully answer ‘one of my guy pals’, the response was always a concerned ‘are you sure?’. She would force me to hand over my cell phone and go through every one of my texts and my entire contact list asking ‘who’s this?’ ‘my sister’ ‘are you sure?’ ‘yes im sure’. Somehow she figured out the password for my facebook when I was asleep, which I rarely used anyway, and proceeded to delete several of my female friends (many of whom I had grown up with) under the justification that I’d be ‘tempted’ if she didn’t.
I’m a fairly laid back person, but she would tend to interpret my passive dismissals of these accusations as an outright admission of guilt. Yet, the simple concept that I could actually just be a faithful person never occured to her. ‘I know what you’re like, I know about your past’ she would say, possibly a reference to a game of spin-the-bottle I had played in 8th grade. In her mind, she was convinced I was a cheating coniving pig – she just didn’t have any proof to solidify this theory into fact. Such proof, I thought, would be nothing less than her personal Holy Grail. I toyed with the idea of buying a thong and leaving it on my sofa as a joke. When she saw it I would casually remark something like ‘God, blondes just don’t know how to pick up after themselves’ and promptly prepare to meet my maker.
This picture-perfect relationship came to an end on a Saturday night. She was out with some friends celebrating after a certain event I won’t mention. I had attended as a surprise and brought flowers, but was blown off by her with a ‘sorry, I don’t think you’re allowed backstage, I’ve gotta go’ … on a lighter note, the flowers really tied my living room together. My roommate and I decided to have a small get-together with some friends which quickly devolved into tequilla shots and some Super Mario World with the stipulation that ‘you die, you drink’. I passed out on the sofa around 2ish after most people had left, and I imagine I looked quite peaceful, which really set her off when she busted in my door at 4am. It seems my roommate had gone back to his room with a young lady, whom had left her shoes at the entrance – being that I had fallen asleep I was completely unaware of this, but anyway… My then girlfriend saw these shoes and I woke to the sound of screams and profanity. Before I had even pieced together where I was or what was happening the shoes went out the window and our wall was decorated with a slice of pizza (really, who throws a pizza?). I groggily insisted I had been asleep and didn’t have a clue where these shoes had come from, but she ‘saw right through my lies’. I suggested that it was most likely a girl that was staying over with my roommate, which evoked the reply ‘oh, so that slut fucked you then fucked him… nice girl’. I was speachless. She found further proof in my unmade bed, ‘the blankets are all messed up from the sex!’ , I replied ‘come on, I rarely make my bed’, and she snapped back, ‘yes you do, you make it everyday, I know you do’, I roll my eyes ‘you’re absolutely right’. She then broke up with me, saying she was too good for me and that she knew I was cheating all along. Ironically, I later found out from a friend that at her after party she had been making out with a guy for close to 2 hours, but I didn’t really care.
The next day my roommate gave me a puzzled look and asked what all the ruckus was last night. I just shrugged as I cleaned the pizza off the wall – my roommate’s lady friend searching the floor saying ‘I could have sworn I left my shoes by the door…’.
funny you mention that, a big red flag of someone who is messing around on you is that they project their mistrust onto you, and accuse you of doing what they are getting away with. Its very telling.
People usually project what they don’t like about themselves onto others.
Anton – This sounds like she was an actress of some sort, those chicks are so insecure and flighty its not even funny.
Jealous = Fucking Insecure and Crazy. What attracts people to such psychos?? My first boyfriend took a jealous fit one time while I was talking to a male friend – he was holding my hand and squeezing the shit out of it – I could almost feel hand juice running down my arm. As soon as we were alone, I pulled my hand away and stormed off down the street. He caught up with me, spun me around and I popped him in the mouth. End of relationship.
TTFN I hope I have a daughter like you someday.
Dino – tea has always been better than coffee. Always.
My youngest has a similar attitude – her first boyfriend at 16 was taking heavy-assed drugs and flunking out in school – she dumped his sorry ass and moved on, no boo hoo, he simply ceased to exist for her.
What I’ve always wondered is why stoner parents end up with these straight, achieving kids – I suppose their rebellion was being normal.
thanks kay,but i’m over that now,but still looking for the perfect match for me,maybe someday?but at 58,times running low.
LS… stop looking. She’ll find you.
My girlfriend just dumped me. There’s nothing unique, interesting, or exciting to say about it, it just helps to talk about it sometimes.
God, how will I go on!
It was 2007, I had been living overseas for a year and started dating a guy who was 10 years older than me. Truthfully, he was not the kind of person I would date under “normal” circumstances but we got along and were together almost a year. Even though we had always assumed it was something that would end when we both returned home, as the time drew nearer we thought about staying together. He ended up leaving and moving to another country before I did, but on my way home I planned to visit him so we could discuss our future. Well, after he had been gone about 3 days I was completely over it and told him this when I arrived to visit him. I thought we could “have fun” for the week I was there and then be on our merry ways. He thought differently. I ended up having to change my flight out of there because he was throwing me out on the street (in China no less) and I literally got up that morning and left without uttering a single word. We haven’t spoken since and I have no regrets.
thanks again kay,and i’m available right now,if anyone wants to know.have a good one all,although it’s a bit warm out there today.i don’t do the heat thing very well lately.