Men of Halifax (and also the world): FYI, it is not appropriate behaviour to confess to a female friend that you’ve “had a crush since you’ve known her,” begin dating her, have sleepovers at your place with really great sex at least 3 times a week, introduce her to your mum and dad (!?), make plans to take her to your family’s cabin in the summer, commit to visiting when/if she has to move back to her hometown… and then act bewildered saying, “I thought we were just having fun…” after MONTHS of this when she tries to define the relationship! That’s pretty shitty, and really hurtful. —Dodged a Bullet but Still Stinging
This article appears in May 5-11, 2011.
you should have known the suckster then. too bad, too late.
I’m beginning to think boys in this city are good for one night stands and not much else.
Sorry that happened to you, OP. That shit ain’t right.
One can only hope PK ;D.
oooh noooo she d-int
Sorry, OP. The girls in this town(and the world) have some shit to live up to, as well.
It’s not just guys.
Sorry you went through this shit though. He deserves a cock punch.
So he found another pussy to park his meat stick in?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FFrCZNNCeU
As a male resident of HRM, I take offense to that statement, PK. 😛
Better not be counting PK in that whole “girls have some shit to live up to” category. We both know I’m perfect in every way 😉 heehee
Also, LOL @mel.
You don’t count, ‘matron, duh! You’re in the awesome nerdy guy category who always treats the ladies with respect and the appreciation they deserve, amirite? I BETTER BE RIGHT!
Also: why a sad panda? 🙁
If a guy said that about ladies in this city PK you would have issues. Brend-Orgas …there’s always lots of exceptions to the rules…but it some situations one bad apple spoils the bunch….which is a shame.
OP – you have absolutely NO ONE to blame but yourself! Sorry to say it , but after sleeping with him, meeting his family, making future plans, you THEN decide months later to “define the relationship”. Hopefully you learned your lesson for next time – but you have no one to be pissed at but your own self.
“I’m beginning to think boys in this city are good for one night stands and not much else.”
Testify Sister!
Hay matt: A/S/L?
haha.
I would be “in the awesome nerdy guy category who always treats the ladies with respect and the appreciation they deserve” if I could actually manage to have a conversation with them. ^^; As for why I’m a sad panda, it’s on my Coast profile for all to see.
hug
RC: I was totally being facetious when I said that, heehee. That and I really do think there are a lot of guys out there who are great one night stand material. heh
I see what you’re saying too, but I think I disagree to a point. While it’s great to define things early on, sometimes it appears clingy and if you really like someone and don’t want to screw it up you wait a bit. You don’t always know if you’ll end up in a relationship with someone you’ve been dating at the onset and I think the signs were pretty strong that he wasn’t just “having fun.”
However, there are guys out there who really are into you and act like you are in a relationship, but when confronted (even nicely) on what you ‘are’ they’ll use the ‘we’re having fun, right?’ line. Happened to me a few years back. Ended up in a major miscommunication, only to find out otherwise almost a year later when we were both seeing other people.
Confront the bugger, OP and ask him why he pretty much strung you along. He’ll totally put the blame on you for being crazy and mis reading things, but my GOD sometimes there is no “misreading”…. sometimes men (and women — so sometimes PEOPLE) are just assholes trying to cover their asses for any number of reasons.
Awww brendon! You’re so eloquent on the net — we just have to get you talkin’! Next summit you’re at is going to be “orgasmatron speaks bootcamp”! heehee!
Hahaha yeah I’m pretty a terrible conversationalist in general, really. >.>
The crapiosity of people knows no bounds!
And Ivan-The-Loud-Mouthed-Shook is going to be your Drill Instructor Brendon:
http://www.chriscantore.com/wp-content/upl…
sooooo……
DROP AND GIVE ME 20 WHILE RECITING THE SONG OF SOLOMON YOU GRABASSTIC LITTLE PILE OF AMPHIBIAN…
Well, you get the picture >: )
If I guy scares off the second you want to know his intensions – then it’s not someone you want to be falling in love with. So just have fun and don’t get pissed later down the road.
DBSS – Maybe you should have had “the talk” before you put out. You know, define your expectations, and set the rules beforehand.
So…guys are pigs who only want one night stands? It takes two to Tango, so what does that make the woman, besides a pig-fucker?
yeah, I agree PK, you don’t want to try to label things too early in the “relationship.”
Here’s my standpoint and I think I speak for a lot, maybe not most, but a lot of guys.
You really have to just leave the advancement of the relationship to us guys. We need to feel like we’re in control. It sucks, it’s stupid, but it’s true for myself and most guys. We want to be the ones asking the questions lol, not answering them.
If you have a time frame, lets say 3 months, where it is acceptable to be dating a guy without the relationship turning into something easily definable, then just leave if he hasn’t made his intentions clear, or give the ultimatum. Pay attention to how he acts around you or refers to you, for example if he introduces you to friends or acquaintances he may run into in public. You can usually tell if he’s serious about it if you’re really willing to find out.
Don’t try to pressure and manipulate him into being committed to you or whatever, he’ll just resent you sooner or later. Just state that your not comfortable moving forward without some kind of commitment and if that’s not what he’s looking for then he should look elsewhere, sounds like the same thing, but it’s not really.
This doesn’t really sound like what the OB is guilty of, I’m just sayin.
Totally valid bitch, OB. He’s not worth your time though, bottom line, unless you “just want to have
fun” like he does.
It’s a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation, like PK was saying, you don’t wanna bring that stuff up too early on, but you don’t want to invest a bunch of time into it if it’s not what you’re looking for. I think option 2 is still better though, because it takes time for someone to know if they’re serious about you or not.
I was in a similar situation last summer, I really thought I was headed for bf territory and it was not to be. All the signs were there, just like the ones OB refers to. It sucks…
guys get turned off by the relationship questions too early on just like (decent) girls tend to turned off by the too-early requests/pressures for sex. That’s the comparison I would use.
Ok Dr.Phil.
I think that if the relationship is right, you don’t feel the need to ask the question: “Where is this going?” So obviously the OP’s need to ask (despite all the good signs, her gut was obviously telling her something) was in itself a bad sign. I think a real relationship defines itself as exclusive without the need for an overt discussion.
“Here’s my standpoint and I think I speak for a lot, maybe not most, but a lot of guys.
You really have to just leave the advancement of the relationship to us guys”. WTF is that?????
Give me a fucken break! For someone who doesn’t like kids you answered that like a fucken high schooler there Tommy Boy.
From date one I will tell someone what I expect and what is not acceptable – I’m not asking for love, or marriage or anything – but I have no problem asking someone what they are looking for. A relationship? Fun? Sex? There’s no wrong answer – and half the people out there will lie to get what they want – but I usually have a sense of honesty, and then I can kick myself later for believing them – but never for not asking the question. MEN like strong woman who know what they want – because just like woman have the erg to change the “bad boy” men like the challenge of a woman who knows what she wants.
Oh how I hate sweeping generalizations.
One of the best ways to weed out the guys who just want to have ‘fun’ when you want to be in it for the long haul is to not have sex. The fun-seeking guys will move on to someone else when they realize you aren’t into recreational ‘fun’. The guy that’s REALLY into you will know that you are worth the time it takes to get to know each other very well before hopping in the sack for a little horizontal bop. There can’t be much worse than running into some schmuck you once dated and cringing because he knows what you look like naked and (ahem) in full performance.
” because he knows what you look like naked and (ahem) in full performance”
OH oceanchick, this is what I’m most afraid of! For reals. That’s why I never understand women or men for that matter who sleep around a lot.
I will not have many many ppl knowing what I look like in those positions … blehhhh
Reminds me of something about….. free milk & a cow ?!?
But OB, as tough as it is for decent women to find a guy.
Its equally as tough when you’re a guy & interested in a relationship. My present partner went through a long period of no commitment & when we started seeing each other occassionally, we continued living in seperate locations, her in the city & me in the country. When we decided to get serious we had known each other for about 2 years, after we made the commitment to be in a monogamous relationship, exchanged keys to each others place… it was another year+ before we had the confidence to move in together.
I’m not insinuating our way is right or the best way, but it sure has been a trouble free relationship. We have identicle interests, we became best friends before we even moved in together.
Maybe its because we both had very similar marriages, both long term, that degraded because of escalating mental & physically abusive behaviour by our spouses.
So perhaps you got lucky & dodged a bullet… keep your chin up, not everyones an ass.
Good on you RC, that’s not really what I was talking about tho. Yes you should make your intentions clear on the first date, ask what someone is looking for, yes. But if after a little while it’s not going where you want it to go you should just leave. You can’t force things like that is all I was trying to say and a lot of people do.
People don’t like to feel like they’re being pushed or pulled when they’re just trying to have fun and relax with somebody while getting to know them. Doesn’t mean they’ll never want to settle down with that person, but they just want to be right now. If (s)he’s unsure about a relationship you can either leave or deal with the uncertainty, bottom line.
You should never try to MAKE someone change their mind about that stuff and the best way in my opinion, having been in a couple different types of relationships is to give THEM a certain amount of time to bring it up, then maybe bring it up once and if you sense that hesitation, just go. Being with someone long term should be something that people think about themselves, not something that is presented to them as a proposition.
In other words if I haven’t brought it up to you after a certain amount of time and it’s that important to you, you should look elsewhere because I’m not serious about you.
So yes, as much as it sucks women should just be patient and know when to bail, and know that if he hasn’t asked you to be exclusive then it can’t be that important to him. One of the many shitty things you have to put up when it comes to dealing with the opposite sex. You gotta be able to gauge who’s worth your time.
“MEN like strong woman who know what they want” – Damn straight RC.
I must be part zombie, because I like a woman with brains 🙂
also, key word in PK’s post: “boys” yes, that’s true PK, that’s all boys are good for, just like girls. Grown men and women on the other hand not necessarily.
Never said I didn’t want a woman who knows what she wants. Quite the contrary, but she must be patient and not want it all right now.. that’s all.
I dunno Z, I’d like to agree with you, but it’s not always the case. Good honest people are hard to find, manipulative assholes are everywhere.
Also as much as it sucks men should know when a good thing awaits and know when to commit.
Foolish shit you talking.
Sorry boo, ya lost me.
I will never be able to deal with pussy footers. You cannot dance around with me to pass time. Get a fucking dog.
haha I was in the same situation with a girl a few years ago, we started off slow enough she was/is not the type of girl who would put out on the first date and that was a turn on for me, I’m not a big fan of tracked out ladies so was stoked she respected herself. We didn’t put a label on it and all of a sudden I was going to family dinners and even met the grand parent for shit sake, seemed like things were going good, kinda intensely but the family was cool so I really didn’t have an issue, then pretty much out of the blue she tells me it’s over, things are moving too fast….well sorry but it wasn’t me taking you to the family dinners and junk :)…I think my point is that people are weird and you might as well get used to it because it’s not going to change any time soon, ya weirdo 😉
Yes, Donk that’s actually exactly what I’m saying.
‘ There can’t be much worse than running into some schmuck you once dated and cringing because he knows what you look like naked and (ahem) in full performance.’
Holy jesus, I agree with this statement 110%.
putting it simply, relationships should be taken on a case-by-case basis and more often than not can be described as a spectacular clusterfuck.
I feel that the whole deal of bringing an abrupt end to a developing relationship after more advanced steps have been taken (dinner with parents/grandparents/exchange of keys/moving in) might come from denial on the part of the one who ends the relationship, after said person had been trying to convince themselves that the partner was the right one for an extended period. The advanced steps would not be as much to present the partner to the family as they would be unsuccessful attempts by the person to quell their own doubts.
Been running dry for the last few years after a bad experience and sometimes, just living the monk life for a while allows to get a different perspective on everything and recenter yourself.
Sleepovers?
Months – holy fuck, how little time to establish a long-lasting commitment. O.K., with the rare exception, some people are just meant for each other – but for the most part, it takes years to build a proper relationship. The foundation is friendship, mutual respect but not to be used like an air mattress. OP, I think you might have pushed too hard, looking for the rush of romance and cloud-riding just a little too high. You can’t pressure someone into a relationship if they don’t want one and you sound too needy to settle for that. Either accept it as it is or move on.
amen to that TTFN, things like those shouldn’t be rushed.
I’ve been with Hub-Unit for 28 years – I waited 7 years before I even allowed the word ‘marriage’ to be mentioned. For better or for worse, he’s still my main man, a great friend with that tender heart and kind soul that made me flip for him in the first place. If I had tried to force him into a relationship within a year of our meeting, he would have bolted for Pictou County and, I, for one, wouldn’t have blamed him one fucking bit.
All dis relationship junk is making me sick ;D. I just ended a serious, almost 3 year relationship which is a long time ferrr meee, being younger. I’m sure he’s reading this too, which sucks because I don’t want him to feel any shittier but I CAN say things! I can say whateva. I can doooo whatever! I can iwhioewhg. Can you feel my excitement? I’m sure I’m not making sense. But I rarely make sense! And it’s wicked. I felt like George Costanza almost. I didn’t want my worlds to collide. Relationship me and friend me we’re soooo different and I dunno how I let it happen. I felt like I had made so many compromises, I was on auto-compromise until I was just some sack-o-skin, random person and it took all of my energy just to pretend to be happy. How awful is that!? It’s effed. But it’s over and I feel like my weirdo self agaiiin. Wow. Sorry for the hard to follow rant that might not have anything to do with what you all were talking about …. yeah. OH RIGHT. Relationships. I feel like I never want to be in one again. And I’ll letcha know dat ;D. There I made a connection. Enjoy the nonsenssse.
U drunk? lol
No I wasn’t :). Jusss super tired and wired.
Nope, drunk.
Mel, that’s EXACTLY why I’m weary of relationships.
I don’t like compromise all that much.
Ohaider mel. 😉
Oh Miss Mel….sorry to hear about the break up. I think we all get into that place in a relationship where we no longer recognize ourselves…..that’s usually the time to exit and move on. I think that’s why I’m so open and honest now and sometimes bossy and bitchy…because I’m afraid to lose myself again. Also I know who I am now…someone who puts 110% of myself into everything, and I know I deserve the same.
& Sorry for getting pissy Tommy….3 weeks to go before I’m off this emotional rollercoaster and then I get to be sleep deprived for the next year. 🙂
Three weeks! OMG! That’s soon! 🙂
Na uh Donk, you musta been drunk. UP AT 4AM GURRRL, WAT U DOIN?
OHMAIGAWD I’M EXCITED!
Oh hi OrgSP. So anyway, how’s your sex life?
I’ve always found the key to a good relationship is to determine her position on Kant’s “synthetic apriori” (to be distinguished, of course, from his “synthetic aposteriori” and most definitely from his “analytic apriori.”) Thank you.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Sadly, my sex life is nonexistent.
Don’t think too much, it may not come out right!
lol np RC, I know I say some outlandish shit on here, most of the time the point I’m trying to make can be made without offending people, but what fun would that be?
I’m the same way, I’m stubborn about some things and hard headed at times but it’s for the same reason, I feel like I found myself a couple years ago and I don’t wanna lose me. Sorry to hear about your break up but I’m sure nothing but good will come of it.
poor sad panda, maybe you ought to let seb. take a load off you. hahaha.
Oh you’re expecting RC.. Congratz!! lol I just read that again. Dunno how I missed it the first time. Good luck!
So annie….you’ve lived alone your whole life, eh?
Sorry you’re not gonna get to see his cottage and enjoy his success.. Maybe next time date a nice guy and not an immature alpha male.