I know, i’m probably getting a boring label for this one, but I’m just really broken hearted right now. My bitch is that I’m too much of a loser to have any friends. I’m not emo, or depressed, but..
I’m a 17 year old girl, and
I am hurting for a good friend so incredibly badly it hurts.
I’m a class A introvert, so I have never known anybody that genuinely cares about me, and it breaks my heart every day. Anytime I am close to developing a relationship with someone, they leave me, and I just break down and cry. I don’t know what to do anymore, I feel like I’m near the edge. Everyone my age goes to parties and has boyfriends and are practically sisters with their friends, and I’m left out. I have never had a boyfriend, or even kissed a boy for that matter, and I feel like my life is flying by me and I’ve missed out completely on being a teenager. I have never taken a drug, gotten drunk, cut myself or had sex. So I consider myself a good person on track.
Just what I want, more than anything else in the whole world, is a girl my age, someone I can tell everything to and not be judged, someone that will love me for who I am and will listen to me and simply understand.
Please, if anyone is out there? e-mail me…
—stuck on the sidelines
This article appears in Mar 5-11, 2009.
Wow, that’s quite a load to dump into a public forum. If you are in fact sincere, well I fell bad for you. My only advice to you, being a teen and all,is this.Believe it or not, things will get better. You’re only 17. I know that this revelation isn’t quite what you were wanting to hear, but it will get better, unless you are a person who is impossible to be freinds with. Try to find people your age in another venue maybe, volunteering or at community events. I’ve never known a Class A introvert, so I’m kinda out of my element here, but don’t give up kiddo, there are people out there that feel like you. You just need to find them. Good luck.
OP, despite your age you come across as very bright and very mature and probably more-so than others in your age group. Maybe you could hook up with like minded people away from the academic-related opportunities? Even if you’re not musical, try attending an open mic night or join a swim club… try something different that would expose you to a different kind/class of people. The HRM is a very tough place to make friends.
You deserve companionship as much as any of us do. Don’t let those snobs bring you down and don’t be so hard on yourself.
OP, Burning Man says, “there are people out there that feel like you.” I’m one of them. There are many of us because of people like him. Hang in there.
Wow, she’s going to try and hijack another thread. Well I’m not going down that road, considering the nature of this 1. She should have responded in the bitch that I commented in, or rather shat at her, not here.
She is one angry lady, if in fact, she is a lady. Don’t own a gun, not a control freak. Sorry about the the cross bitch bitching” stuck on the sidelines “. This shit surely isn’t helping your situation, but Kay has a slew of issues. Consider yourself lucky really.
Hi Stuck,
Despite what TV, magazines and the like are telling you – that this is the best time of your life – life actually gets better as you get older. You’ll need to make lots of mistakes, try lots of different things, and ultimately meet a lot of different people.
Through this crude form of trial and error you will meet those people with whom you can share yourself. Some will and should only see a little bit of you and some are worth going deeper, working harder, and sharing more. The trick is don’t try to share all of you with all of them – not everyone is compatible, some people are too caught up in themselves to be a good friend, and for some true emotional vulnerability (which you have displayed here) is overwhelming or they would take advantage of you. Emotional vulnerability is not a weakness, but it is easily exploited.
So what to do now? Go out and get involved like Burning Man and Kay suggest. Start exploring the other parts of your life that will provide some fulfillment. Know that many of us have gone through a similar loneliness. Know that there is a person or people out there with whom you will be able to share everything, but these relationships take time and work to culture. And if you feel yourself slipping into that dark place – being on the edge – call a youth helpline or arrange to get counseling. They will not judge you and are better able to help than a handful of us crackpot trolls here at LTWWB.
Good luck to you.
Stuck, I’m sorry Kay is up to her bad tricks again. Her first bits of advice are good but she’s gone off the rails. Please excuse her language towards Burning Man and her off-topicness, too.
I used to be exactly like you! I was really sad, couldn’t make friends, and nobody seemed to care. I tried a lot of different ways to make friends, joined groups etc. and things did get better. Hang in there!
Three, some wise advice. I could not have pounded the plastic any better than that.
Things will get better for sure 🙂
start doing some social things and go to places that you like and you will have things in commen with the people there
OP, you posted something on a public forum. You’re less of an introvert than you may think. Ride it out, and if you’re going to University, relax. It’s a great place to meet people and not have to worry about social status (there are people in University that do worry about social status, but they die off pretty quickly once they realize they can’t get good marks by knowing people). If you can, get involved in something like an acting class. That is something that will force you to come out of your shell so to speak. It worked for me.
To the OP: If there is one thing you should know, it’s that you are far from alone. There are a lot more people in your situation as well, myself included, it’s just difficult to find them as they’re generally not the type to stick out.
If you’d like to learn more about people with similar problems, please take a look at http://www.intjforum.com , it will help you better understand yourself and what to do about it, it has for me.
I think maybe one of your problems finding friends is staying within your immediate age range. A lot of people just don’t vibe well with their direct peers, but with people a bit older or younger. You don’t really get the opportunity to find these people in High School, but if you go to Uni or Community College, you’ll have a better chance.
I know a lot of people like this, who just fit in better with a different age group than their own, sometimes its just what you’re into, and with an older crowd, the high school attitude is generally gone, people are more accepting, and less cliquey.
When I was in high school I was a loser too, I went to a small town high school where everyone was a jock or a princess. Eventually I made friends with a tiny group of people in my HS who were into the same things as me. And I made more friends after I graduated and left that insular world – went to college, moved out on my own. I know when you’re seventeen things can seem really serious – and it’s no fun being lonely – but trust me, this period in your life won’t last forever. I still find life challenging socially in some ways, since I’ve since discovered I have ADHD and various comorbid conditions, but it DOES get easier, as you get older and learn more about yourself.
Also, what Three said.
If you have any interests, actively pursue them. Sports, music, art, dance, reading/writing – seek out a group and join it. The group doesn’t have to be within the school (if you are in school) and it doesn’t have to be people your own age. It takes a little guts to join things sometimes, but you’ll be amazed at how well you can get along with people with whom you share a common interest.
As much as having a boyfriend may seem great and think it will end your woes, it’s not the be all and end all. How many of your classmates have boyfriends and gripe about them. How many are being pressured into sex who realy don’t want to but think the guy will break up with them if they don’t. How many are pregnant? How many are always fighting or some other drama.
There will be time later for boys and work, etc. The time now is to get your education and a career so you can always be able to support yourself.
If you’re feeling lonely, then as others suggested, volunteer at different places on things you think you would enjoy.
Hon, a lot of us went through the same thing you’re going through when they were 17 so you’re not as alone as you might think. Despite the fact that I have a great social network now, high school was pretty tragic. Junior high was worse. Things DO get better when you get older. For me it was starting university and a lot of people I know say the same thing. I know this doesn’t help in the meantime, but ride it out. High school is filled with immaturity and people who have known each other long enough to build social groups that can seem impossible to break into. And everything isn’t always as it seems. I had some good friends in high school and was part of a “group” but within that “group” I can name maybe one friend who never treated me like crap on a consistent basis or at one point or another. After we left high school I just stopped being friends with a few of them because we never kept in contact, and others who were catty and not so nice in high school grew the fuck up and our relationship improved greatly.
Honestly, out of most of my friends I interact with on a regular basis, only a few are from high school. The rest I met while in university. I met those people in classes in my program. We had the same interests because we were studying the same thing and bonded over that.
I also never had a boyfriend when I was in high school either, and you know what? I did that on purpose. High school relationships are usually filled with nothing but drama. I think I spent more time in high school listening to my friends bitch about their boyfriend than I did listening to anything else.
mrman and every one else who suggested joining a group related to your interests is right. Bonding over an interest is a great way to develop friendships. Do you have a job? I met my current best friend at work (8 years ago!) and I’ve found that I’ve always had no problem hitting it off with most of my co workers and, in fact, I’ve developed many friendships through work.
Another thing to remember is, if you are an introvert now doesn’t mean you will be forever. I was an introvert and scared shitless of most social situations with my peers when I was in high school. As I got older I became more confident in myself and now I’m that annoying person who talks to random strangers in grocery store line ups and at the bank 😛 When you’re 17 it’s sometimes hard to have a lot of self confidence, but, as you get older and start to know yourself a bit better, the confidence will develop and you’ll shed some of the introvert in yourself.
Finally, your bitch is nowhere near boring, so please don’t be so hard on yourself. As other posters have mentioned you seem mature and well spoken; much more so than your peer group (have you SEEN some of the teenage bitches on here?), and that could be why you have a hard time becoming friends with your peer group. You’re too awesome for them! Some of the most successful people didn’t “peak” until after they left high school and a lot of the “stars” in high school peaked at age 17 and everything else was downhill from there. Just remember that 🙂
Guys, I know this isn’t a self esteem section, but honestly thank you so much. All your comments were like medicine for me, I feel so much better. Cheers to you all!
-Melanie
You may be the type of person who blossoms after high school. In the meantime, try volunteering. You meet a lot of people and it will help you with your shyness.
OP- listen to all these suggestions, I beg you. As someone who is much older than you and is alone and has pretty much always been alone due to my shyness, I can’t emphasize how important it is for you keep trying.
I’m hoping that everyone is right and you’ll come into your own in a few years. Introversion sucks, because anybody who doesn’t suffer from it doesn’t have the patience to stick around until we’re comfortable and start coming out of our shells. They just don’t understand us. I’ve been met with reactions ranging from laughter to disdain to anger while I’m standing there trying to think of something to say to keep a conversation going.
I really feel for you. Being friendless makes for a long, sad life.
Yes, hang in there Melanie. Everyone is right when they say things will get better.
I had friends in high school, but was by no means popular. Nearly 20 years later here are my observations about high school life: The people who changed the most and “blossomed” so to speak were, like you, wallflowers. They met new people beyond our community. They got great careers and they are considerably comfortable with themselves and where they are in life. I think they knew who they were in high school, but weren’t in the environment that encouraged it.
And I noticed many of the popular kids married other popular kids. I think it’s because after they left high school they realized the world doesn’t work the same way — thank God. So they reconnected with those from their own groups to regain some of that status they had in school. Now those who weren’t so popular flouished in the “real world” because they found out there were other people like them, they weren’t weird or dumb or strange, and they quickly decided what they wanted to do based on their own desires, not the need to fit in. Never, ever do anything just to fit in. Ever.
The others are right here. You will meet lots of new people in university and in your work life. University and work are two places where you not only meet new friends, but gain a skill set and confidence.
And let’s clarify something here: Shyness and introversion are not the same thing. Introverts get their energy internally, through self reflection, alone time etc, as opposed to extroverts who get their energy from being around others. True, introverts can be shy, but many around fine around people, just are often exhausted by them or just plain don’t care what they think. As an introvert, I think we have great qualities. Since we’re not often blabbing on about whatever topic, we’re great listeners and observers. Put those skills to use Melanie. They are more helpful than you can imagine. And I also suspect you have peers at your school who feel exactly as you do. And they are in the same position.
Trust us on this. It does get A LOT better.
join a sport. seriously. join a sport. teammates become family. ’nuff said. You’re on your way to university- pick a small one [with good creds] and join a sport.
You are far from alone OP. Hell, you’ve got the posters here actually respecting you. That takes a special something, you’ll do well.
I never had a g/f until I hit university. Back in my teenage days, I was as shy as they got. I discovered the best thing for me to do was just be myself and enjoy it. After I started doing that, I discovered people will like me for who I am, and not what I was trying to be. Life will improve, you’ll find friends doing your hobbies and at work.
Even today, I’m still introverted, but I try and at least say hello and smile (I get a lot of practice at work). If all else fails in a social situation, encourage someone to talk about themselves and listen. You may find something in that conversation to latch onto and roll with. Join the LTWWB family, we’re really not as nutty as we appear. 😉
I don’t have much to say that others haven’t said…I feel the pain though, I know what it’s like to be agonizingly shy 🙂 🙁
http://www.grouphug.us
the acting class is definitely a good idea… if you’re up for it.
Not only will you meet people with the similar interest, but you aren’t even yourself half the time.
Lets you really get out of your shell.
The sport one was another good one if it’s your thing though that’s not always for everyone.
-Some people get too competitive and drag the good times down quickly.
a really bad idea is to start talking to random facebookers/msn-ers/etc…
since they’re random, they’re much more likely to ditch you at the drop of a hat.