Beards are gross. Short and trimmed. Scruffy. Long and wild. Stubbled. Flavour-savers. Partial. 5 o’clock shadows too. Mutton chops. Chin straps. Chin curtains. Balbo… JUST SAY NO! Doesn’t matter what style or colour. They are DISGUSTING! Shave it all off! Stand alone goatees and moustaches are particularly nasty. The worst offenders are those of the “designer” facial variety with very carefully shaved thin lines connecting the sideburns to any or all of the nose, cheeks and chin areas. This kind makes you look like a pedophile.
Food gets stuck in facial hair. They smell of whatever you have just eaten and breathed all over them. I would gag if one got too close to me. Just say NO and give your lover a kissable face. You might be a Rabbi or Dumbledore or Nietzsche or the guy who invented Wikipedia. You might even be a woman (but I won’t go there). You can be the nicest person in the whole world (I still love you dad… ) but your beard is EWWWW GROSS!!!
—Soupy
This article appears in May 14-20, 2009.
spoken like daddy’s little girl…. daddy’s 12 year old girl, that is. Go deal with your period, finish high school, get a few years of university in there, date a real for real grown up at least once and then come back and tell us all about boys and their cooties.
I DISAGREE!!
I like the scruffy looke beards long, short, 5 o clock shadows, mutton chops, g-tee’s are VERY welcome with me 🙂
I find them very hot
I also disagree. As long as facial hair is maintained, it’s amazing. Why get mad over what other people do with their appearance? It’s something you can’t control and really isn’t any of your business anyhow.
I’m with Jane, it’s all a matter of perspective, I tend to be turned off by the “pretty boy” look.
down with pretty boys!!
up with lumber jacks
Brad Pitt plays Tristen in Legends of the Fall… somethin’ about rugged men, eh girls? I think Soupy should rent it and watch it today.
this is probably just like the female rebuttal to the eyebrow bitch.
Legends of the Fall? bahaha awesome!!
It’s my moustache & I’ll have it for as long as I please. Don’t like it…no problem , I don’t like you either.
Hey look, we’re mutually exclusive ! (aka incompatible personalities)
Time for me to grow my beard again. The OP sounds jealous. Maybe hers isn’t coming in fully.
Meh, sounds like soupy likes girly men. I’ve got a bloody 5 o’clock shadow right after I shave.
Chops are my favorite.
Obviously you’re just not ready for the mystery beards hold. Or the smell.
Oh look, it’s the beard police.
But seriously, bring on the beards! I love my men stubbly. 🙂
I don’t date men who don’t have goatees. I can’t. I’ve tried once or twice, it just doesn’t work for me. If dude doesn’t have one when we start, I always convince him to grow one.
You haven’t lived until you’ve ridden a nice bushy beard on a pointy chin.
so you’re prejudice against ungoatied men are ya rawr, I see what’s really going on here;)
Actually, I should really say that. My last had no goatee. Took some getting used to. I just think that if I want to make out with a “clean” face, I’d pick up a girl (which i prefer that they not have facial hair)
I know- so biased lol
I’ve had sideburns since I was 15, a goatee since I was 16 and a full beard since I was 21. I’ve spent half my life with facial hair. I grew my beard for a month and a half, then shaved it to look like Captain Quint from Jaws for Halloween. That is probably the last time I will ever shave my beard off. Real men have facial hair, so go ahead and date you girly boys OP.
you tell them never wrong! laughing my ass off at the captian quint comment …awesome!
I AGREEEEEE! My s.o. routinely goes through periods of goatees, sideburns, full beards, and then clean-shaven. I heave a sigh of relief whenever he shaves it off- I HATE it – HATE the feel, HATE the look, HATE it wholly and totally.
But then, he nags at me to cut my hair. What’s sauce for the goose…
thenewcomer.wordpress.com
Mmm nothing I love more than a scruffy face. Same for chest hair though… I guess I love them equally. I try to avoid pre-pubescent boys.
I’m not a huge fan of facial hair myself, but I’m not offended by it’s existence, either. Unless you shave all of YOUR possibly unwanted body hair every single morning, you’ve got no cause to bitch about stubble. And especially not a five-o’clock shadow, jeez, that’s not even the dude’s fault!
We’re men. It’s always our fault.
OP, your dad must have been one dirty stinky bastard to have left you with such a phobia. Hairless doesn’t equal clean, a person will stink if they don’t shower and brush their teeth regardless of whether or not they have facial hair. I’ve met some pretty nasty smelling clean cut motherfuckers and some pretty nasty smelling bearded motherfuckers as well.
While some styles I personally don’t find attractive, facial hair in general is a big turn on and can be ridiculously hot on a guy, and fun to kiss too. The more rugged the better. Chest hair is also awesome.
I don’t mind facial hair but sometimes it just ends up looking like face pubes.
This guy I used to know decided to grow a beard. Every time I see him I laugh because it looks like he literally glued some pubes to his face. Heh.
I can always shave off my beard but you’ll always be a shallow twat. If that’s the deal-breaker then I’m glad you won’t be looking my way.
Trimmed moustaches are the sexiest, but only if they’re light brown. (i.e) Jim Dangle.
He’s a law-enforcement cheetah.
Never Wrong u sound like a good man
I like my men scruffy. Not the clean shaven pretty boy look.
But flavor savers are gross, I do agree with that. It makes men look like they’re in the porn industry…eww.
FA: I had wanted to go as Captain Quint for Halloween for YEARS!! He’s one of my all time favorite movie characters. I let the beard grow for a month and a half (talk about bushy) and then shaved it into the massive mutton chops and moustache a la Captain Quint. My friends didn’t see how it was gonna work, until I actually shaved it. They lost their minds when they saw it! I looked like I walked straight off the movie set and into the party.
psssh/PK: I agree. If you’re going to have a beard/facial hair, take care of it and keep it neat. I always try to keep on top of mine and not let it get out of control.
Never wrong: Effin sweet.
I’m not a fan of mustaches myself, but I grew a beard this year and people agree it looks great. I keep it trimmed short to prevent things like crumbs, liquids, or endangered birds from getting stuck in it, and I keep my neck clear.
As long as it’s well maintained, beards are good any way you cut them.
I agree ith you EXCEPT for sexy sexy wolverine chops. I LOVE CHOPS!!! they’re hot
Well hugh jackman can pull chops of pretty damn nice. Anyone else, nope.
To each their own though!
hugh jackman can pull anything off
Kay: So because someone is voicing their opinion, that must mean that they are 12?
Anyway, I completely agree with Soupy and here’s why.
1. For hygienic reasons as cited above.
2. It’s CREEPY. Beards cover half of the face. People who have beards/mustaches look like they are hiding their face from people. There is a reason why pedophiles have them. Plus, if I see you wearing a beard then I have to assume it is because you are ugly since half of your face is obscured. Why would you cover your face if you were good-looking?
3. It’s just UNATTRACTIVE. It’s APE-LIKE. As a human, you would think that one would want to distinguish themself as much as possible from our primitive distant cousins. I’m attracted to MEN, not MONKEYS.
Guys, I hope I have given you something to think about.
Hugh Jackman is HOT. I dunno psssh, I met this when I was in university and damn did he pull off chops. I died a little inside when he shaved them off and moved away. Fuck he was hot. I should have asked him out.