To the absentee oligarchs for whom I have toiled these last 7 years, who have decided, in these unprecedented times of boom economics and unlimited growth, to transfer their corrective labor facility even deeper into the wilderness of Burnside Gulag –
FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
To the fat Party bosses and fossilized shit apparatchiks of HRM bureaucracy who blocked, delayed and obfuscated this noble project to ensure that its implementation would occur in the hard heart of January –
FUCK YOUR MOTHER!
And especially, to the heroic People’s Commissars of Metro Transit, I fervently wish that the next 5 Year Plan expands your remit beyond the borders of Halifax Peninsula. And I fervently hope that your triumph of Socialist engineering, the High-Speed, High-Technology, Hybrid, Hydrofoil Passenger Ferry “Krasny Oktyabr” sinks in the effluent of that other triumph of Socialist engineering, the famed “Pyotr Kellyovich Sewage Production Plant”
And Yes, FUCK YOUR MOTHER, if you even know who she is.
As for me, I will be the nameless zek in the fake fur ushanka, trudging through arctic wastes, dodging mythical snow removal machines and shouting at packs of hungry coyotes “
…fuck your mother”
—Ivan Sonofabitch Maksimumpissedov.
This article appears in Dec 31, 2009 – Jan 6, 2010.
Wow, that was so annoying to read.
Yeah, but once you wrap your head around the writing style–I mean, Russians are old school–it IS funny = ).
And creative: Maksimumpissedov (maximum pissed off)
I thought this was pretty good.
I can only wish Komrade Ivan the best of luck in his fight against the Politburo.
…buy a car, or even more useful…a truck 🙂
Then when yer really pissed off, you can pack up your shit & leave .
I’ve been reading and re-reading this bitch looking (and hoping) for some tiny grain of merit.
Can anyone help me?
Standard bitch, actually–just done differently. Politicians, bureacracy, transportation, Halifax, snowplows, weather, jail? (corrective labor facility), etc.. The only think missing was smoking, bums, strollers and heartbreak.
It’s just a throwback to the kind of language used during Soviet times . . . when outrageous social engineering boondoggles and disastrous megaprojects were held up as examples of heroic proletarian achievement for the world to envy.
(It was an era when “The Great Patriotic Cafeteria Workers of the State” received medals, while the “intelligentsia” were sent to work on collectivized “farms.”)
OK, so it shows my age to admit recognizing this stuff—but the USSR produced literally tonnes and tonnes of paper documents exactly in this style—and the post is pretty funny in a twisted, tragic “blast from the past” sort of way.
Rubyjane, but without the “Fuck your mother”.
And Frosty, it was painful to read.
Unfunny hurts.
I believe that the actual phrase used in Russia is:
” Yob tvoiu mat’ “
Which, yes, does translate to what the OP has spelled out here for our enjoyment.
(Reserved for occasions where “Capitalist Running Dog” just won’t do.)
que?
This isn’t Russian. It’s not depressing enough.
I like to use big words that others may not understand when I’m feeling inadequate in other areas as well, OP.
Anal my friend, you have touched upon the dark and terrible secret of my tiny little Propuchka. Timid rabbit cowering where mighty bear once dwelt. As you would say “White Man’s Burden”. But which of my big words so intimidated you? Was it “Fuck” Mother” or “Your” that provoked your response. In 70’s Pravda taught us that NetherLands Greatest Export was putrid yellow cheese dipped in hot red wax. Is this still so?
Are you referring to . . . . BabyBel?
MMMMMM, one of my favourite cheeses ever!
Yes, I am SURE Pravda was right in telling you that it was one of the Netherland’s greatest exports, but they sadly mislead you regarding it’s virtues.
They probably needed to extol the virtues of “good Soviet industrial cheese product.”
Ma belle . . . my BabyBel . . . sigh!
It could be that or that other really really really stinky cheese that when you break it open – it smells like a party of 5000 all collectively farted. I just don’t know the name of it .
Oh Rubyanka, your fulsome praise of miniature cheese is truly the language of love. But, be cautious my friend, for Chekists are everywhere, like body crabs on an Uzbek.
And praising foreign dairy products will get you 10 years under Article 58.
linderberger; gorgonzola; stilton ?