Alone but never lonely

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I have some things I’d like to rant and rave about, maybe someone out there will get where I’m coming from. One subject will lead into another and it’s going to be one big rambly mess, and shit’s gonna get real, but try to bear with me…

Does anyone else love being alone, and rarely actually feel lonely? I know there are a lot of lonely people out there who long for company, but then there are those of us who relish being alone? I don’t mean all the time, like maybe 70% of the time, and the rest of the time you want to be around people that you actually really like.

Which brings me to my next point; it’s so hard to find people that you actually really like. I’m a loner by nature, always have been, but I seem to attract the most deranged/disturbed people. I never go looking for them, they always find me, almost like they sniff me out. Anyone know what I’m talking about? They seem nice at first, but always turn into massive disappointments. Maybe my standards are too high now, but I’m so wary of people at this point in my life because I cannot stand another disappointment. Some of these people have actually been borderline stalkerish, so I rarely let people in anymore. I’ve tried to be “normal”, to have a social life, but I just can’t stand it. I hate having plans, and the thought of someone calling me up at anytime for an impromptu hang out fills me with dread. And anyway, I really feel like I can’t connect with anyone in my age group, especially in 2015. You know when girls say “I’m not like other girls”, as in they’re “cool” and “one of the guys”, but really they are just like everyone else? Well I’m actually not like other girls, I’m not one of those self appointed tomboys who supposedly hate drama and love sports, when really they just say they love sports to get male attention. Actually, I hate sports, especially hockey, but that’s another subject altogether.

So, not only am I not like other girls, I’m not like other people altogether. No, I don’t think I’m some special snowflake, I just can’t pretend to like all of this mindless superficial crap that everyone else loves. Tell me how many other people in their 20’s you know who don’t have:
-Friends(I’ve had “friends” my whole life and am much happier without them, but maybe I just haven’t met the right people yet)
-A smartphone(yeah, I have a cellphone from 2008, what of it? It’s not even activated at the moment since I really don’t give a fuck about phones in general, and I love not being reachable at every moment of the day).
-Facebook(nope)
-Tattoos(can’t, won’t, don’t care for them at all)
-Kids(what the heck is up with that anyway? Why do so many young people have kids in Nova Scotia? Is that the most people want out of life, to breed? They have no other aspirations, goals? What’s with all of these teens getting pregnant and being so proud of it? I swear this place reminds me of Southern US, that and the fact that there are so many baptists here).

I could go on, but you see a common theme here. All of these things are linked to people, and I don’t “do” people well. So that’s why I’m content being alone, and I never feel lonely. I can do whatever the fuck I want, listen to whatever music I like, read, sing, workout, etc. And I’d say that I sound like an old person, but even most old people have everything I’ve described, they just totally embrace technology and everything that’s trendy. And don’t you dare call me a hipster, because I’m pretty sure hipsters have all of those things as well.

The only thing I miss having is a boyfriend, but even at that I think it’s mostly for the sex and intimacy. All of my boyfriends have been absolute tools, and I was pathetic enough to erase my personality and mold it to fit theirs. I actually had very little in common with any of them, I just wanted affection and yes, I wanted the D. I still do, but at this point in my life I’m not going to have a boyfriend just to have one, if there’s no real connection there. Some unfortunate shit happened to me early on, and I grew up without a father or father figure(daddy issues), so my self esteem with men isn’t great, I was actually afraid of them for the longest time. I need someone good in my life, but where the hell am I going to find a hilarious loner with no tattoos(ok, maybe one or two if he doesn’t constantly talk about them) who is passionate about the environment and animal welfare, and is interested in becoming self sufficient and starting a small scale organic farm, who’s humble and compassionate and mature and knowledgeable, and good in bed??? Or something along those lines 😉

So many people are fake, I can’t stand it! Is there anybody real anymore, is there anybody out there? —bonus points if you get the song reference

This article appears in Mar 5-11, 2015.