Ever hear that phrase? Well this is what comes to mind every time I hear a man complain about the woman who wasn’t all that in bed.
The assumption made by most is that the woman is, in fact, not such a good lay. Perhaps that is true. Perhaps she just sucks at sex.
I offer another perspective. The perspective of the woman who must lay there in wait for the man to finally bust a nut so she can move on. The perspective of the woman who is uninspired to move her body for what is on top of her, or below her, or behind her, or next to her. The perspective of the woman who maybe wasn’t so bad in bed at first, but has given up because it was bad sex in the beginning and continues to be bad.
Gentlemen, if you don’t have what it takes to inspire a woman to move with you, and especially if you have accused more than one woman in your life of being bad in bed, it’s time to look within. Watch some porn. Take notes. Put it into practice. Otherwise you’re just a bump that the log wants removed.
And ladies, if this happens to you regularly – see above. Don’t be a log. Great sex, or even good sex, takes two. —Crazy Bitch
This article appears in Feb 28 – Mar 6, 2013.
starfish are starfish
**Looking up at ceiling,while deep in thought**
Blue…I think I’ll paint it blue…
While you may have a point OB, I think encouraging men to take notes from porn is a bad baaad idea. Have you seen the internet? 😛
Yup, good old porn. Nothing makes a woman move around in bed like trying to take a dump on her chest. Thank you, Germany. You’re the best!!
Please don’t take notes from porn, anyone. That’s 2-3 weeks I need to waste teaching the basics, instead of having a good time. Just ask a lady/man what’s good. It will be different for everyone. It’s weird isn’t it? Some people have no problem taking their clothes off, but they’re too afraid to tell someone what they like. Oh well.
Porn? Watch it together maybe. There’s some weird shit out there (so I hear). Anyway, there’s such a thing as bad sex? I’ve pulled a hamstring in the act, is that what bad sex? I’d call it unfortunate but still good. What the hell do I know anyway?
Once on band camp, I knew this guy who broke his penis having rough intercourse.
if you want some good action, get on top, then wisper her best friends name in her ear. ride it out like the rodeo.
The Captain has a trick or two he could show to the porn industry…
Better to heed Mel’s words and communicate.
“Does this work for you, sexy-mama?” – “That’s not where that goes.” – “WHOA! Slow down, you’ll rug burn me.” – “How about I throw you over my shoulder so we can get a better angle?” – “So… do you know how these things work? Apparently they’re compatible in some way…” – “You’re not in… nope, you’re still not in… ahhh what hell, just plow away.”
Boru, was the guy at band camp humping a french horn or what?
Perhaps if that’s what you’re hearing, perhaps you need to change social circles.
True gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JloGJhhF2ss
WHAT IS PORN?
“Watch some porn. Take notes.” Crazy Bitch
“pornography, n. description of manners etc. of harlots, treatment of obscene subjects in literature, inflammatory literature.” (The Concise Oxford Dictionary)
While the dictionary definition of “porn,” derived as it is from its Greek root “porne” or “harlot”, might be overly literate in the sense that it doesn’t cover pictorial porn, I think we can go with the general description as consisting of certain forms of behaviour and the treatment of subjects which tend to inflame, i.e., arouse strong sexual feelings. However, a difficulty immediately arises. When I am following Crazy Bitch’s advice and watch some porn, how do I know if it really porn that I am watching? In other words, does porn have clear attributes that establish that it is, in fact, porn?
To say that porn involves the performance of certain activities and the treatment of certain subjects leading to sexual arousal in the viewer assumes, rather than establishes, precisely what those activities and subjects might be. Further, if I am not aroused by watching what is commonly held to be porn, can it be said that I am in fact watching porn at all? Put differently, is porn an undifferentiated and homogenous concept such, for example, as “war?” One is in no doubt when one is at war. It is accompanied by certain behaviours surrounding which no ambiguity exists. Can the same be said for porn? Serious difficulties render the question problematic.
The usual umbrella definition of porn is, of course, “that which offends community standards” but this just drives the question back one step. What, in other words, constitutes such “community standards”? Excluding things like violence and kiddie porn – although even these may not be ruled out in certain communities – and, given the ascendancy of current radical individualism in many areas including that of sexual expression, can there be said to be any “community” at all? And still further, if there exists such radical heterogeneity in terms of individual sexual expression, does not the same radical heterogeneity in terms of communal expression? In still other words, have we descended into complete moral relativism? Have we lost our moral compass?
Of course, that question in its turn raises even further difficulties. What is to be understood by the concept of “morality” itself and what, if any, grounds for such morality may be unequivocally demonstrated? But I leave that question to those who claim to “know.”
So there we are. We wanted to follow Crazy Bitch’s advice to watch some porn in order to become sexually aroused but, as a first (or “necessary condition” if you prefer) we were unable to know that it was, after all, porn that were watching. The consequence, of course, is that the entire venture falls into doubt and confusion.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
…or you can just look for the xxx rating…
Porn schmorn! That won’t do it at all. OP I hear you loud and clear and have had occasion in the past to position myself for a better view of the television. And if you move “just a little” it may be over with even before the commercials are over! Wham…bam…find a new man!
RSVPS
: The Dribbler (03/05, 11:08AM)
Did you find a place with the XXX rating, Benny? Did you go inside? Did you bring your handkerchief with you? I hope you didn’t dribble on the carpet. It’s just hell for the cleaners to get out.
: heather_ann01 (2:00PM)
Heather, were you watching television while having sexual intercourse? When you positioned yourself to have “a better view”, when you moved “just a little” did this cause your partner to have an orgasm? Did you also have an orgasm heather or did you go to find a new man? Did you find one, Heather? Write back soon.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Captain, how YOU dooooinnn?? Lol! Kidding 🙂
Luca Magnotta video, MM? Is that porn? I’m sure he did this for some sort of following. It seems to have been done with the intention to turn someone on, or why the masturbating? Does that make it porn? Did you get turned on by it?
I was going to make some tasteless joke about this involving a catholic priest, but thought I’d keep it classy!!
LOL @ MM; that’s a time I’d like to forget…too many years wasted I’m afraid. And in answer to your question regarding the outcome…he always did quickly, I never did. I’ve had better experiences since, yes. You just have to be open to finding the right person.
RSVP
: Stephen Harper (03/05, 9:11PM)
Good morning Stephen.
An excellent point, Stephen. Was the Luc Magnotta video porn? It underscores the point I made in my “What is Porn?” (03/05, 9:55AM) to the effect that porn, by its nature, is a deeply amorphous concept.
There I tried to show that any definitive “definition” of porn seems to forever elude us, whether owing to the current state of radical individualism – “it’s not (or is) porn for me” – or radical multiculturalism – “it’s not (or is) porn for us.” In addition to not knowing what porn is – what I claimed was a “necessary condition” for porn to be porn – there is also the “sufficient condition” – to be porn in the full sense it must result in sexual excitement, an area which is at least as amorphous as the necessary condition, knowing what it is.
The answer to your other question is, of course, a resounding “YES!” I was completely turned on by Luc Magnotta’s video and, as a consequence, engaged in both sustained and intense bouts of onanism.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-E2ou5yqT_MI/UMcV…
WHAT IS MASTURBATION?
RSVP
: heather_ann01 (8:57AM)
Good morning Heather.
For some reason your post was not up when I replied to Stephen so I’m sure you will forgive the delay.
You write “too many years wasted, I’m afraid.” Does that mean too many years with that particular partner or too many years without an orgasm? Or possibly both? In the case of the latter, to prevent continued frustration did you finish the job manually or did you refrain since, unlike Stephen above, you perhaps felt that masturbation was, if not morally and psychologically unacceptable, at least not an activity in which one might take pride.
What are your views about masturbation, Heather? Do you view it as a healthy means of relieving frustration, whether sexual or not, or do you view it as a metaphor for self-indulgent impotence? I don’t mean “impotence” in a narrow biological sense – one can obviously have an orgasm by masturbation – but rather in the broader sense of being powerless, in effect a declaration of one’s inability to relieve frustration through more decorative avenues. (I mean, there is a certain absurdity in picturing the masturbator busily at work on himself (or herself). Wouldn’t you agree?)
I suppose how one views masturbation turns on how one views oneself. After the blinding rush of hormones experienced in early youth when one, philosophically speaking, doesn’t view oneself as anything much beyond an extension of one’s genitals, there comes a more profound view of oneself, whether as an active agent in the world or, on the contrary, a passive creature in thrall to the vicissitudes of oppressive fortune. In the case of the latter, masturbation – the reflex activity of acting sexually upon oneself – seems the more likely while the in the case of the former it would seem to be less enticing.
In any case Heather, I found your assertion to the effect that you “have to be open to finding the right person” to be both psychologically insightful and anatomically appropriate.
Write back soon with your thoughts on masturbation.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
Mo, if you get aroused whilst proof reading your epic replies is that porn or masturbation? 800 characters on my desk tomorrow, single spaced and remember to quote your references.
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250…
Hello Again, MM.
No worries, I knew I’d eventually hear from you.
The answer to your question would be both. As for manually dealing with the situation at hand (oooh did I just say that? lol), I did not. I was young, a bit shy, and at the time I did feel it was psycholgically unacceptable. A prude, if you will.
My views on that particular topic have changed substantially over the years. I do not feel it is “a metaphor or self-indulgent impotence”, and I know you do not mean in the biological sense. For the majority, I also don’t see it as “declaration of one’s inability to relieve frustration” at all. Simply put, if you feel like doing it…do it! There’s no shame in it…it feels great and for the most part people do it because it feels great. And the feeling powerless part in that sense is over the top! LOL
On the other hand some people are in very sad relationship situations they feel they cannot get out of and they “make do” with what they have; hence some of OP’s frustrations that have brought to light a very common issue. In those instances I see manual stimulation out of frustration, which is very sad indeed. Been there before, it doesn’t feel great, either way 🙁 A very lonely place I might add.
Your add-on “(I mean, there is a certain absurdity in picturing the masturbator busily at work on himself (or herself). Wouldn’t you agree?)”…..this really depends on what they look like. It might be a nice treat! By the way, what do YOU look like? Do you enjoy it?
You are correct when commenting “I suppose how one views masturbation turns on how one views oneself.”
When I was younger and in a bad marriage I had a very low self esteem. My views on sex and masturbation were skewed. I thought it was dirty and disgusting. Over the years I’ve opened up to the idea, have experimented more and more and find I quite enjoy sex, self stimulation, and I look forward to exploring new things. I am a confident, independant, sexual being and am very happy today. Thank goodness I found out sooner than later!
LOL @ your last comment “psychologically insightful and anatomically appropriate”….if you can find the same in one package, please send them my way…..seriously! That’s always been a bit of an issue for me….I can easily find one or the other, never both 🙁
I’ve enjoyed this….you’re starting to grow on me 😉
Heather
RSVP
: madeinthe80s (03/06, 3:42PM)
Your question was incoherent. While there is clearly an inter-relationship between porn and masturbation – indeed the inter-relationship may be of a causal nature – whether or not I get aroused reading my “epic replies” is only a contingent matter and does not touch upon the theoretical question which, as always where I am involved, has unquestioned primacy.
Similarly, your injunction to quote my references is misplaced since the injunction is redundant. It is redundant because such “references” arise from intro-specting the contents of my mind. In other words, I am as always my own reference. I hope this will clarify matters for you. Anyway, 800 characters coming up!
:heather_ann01 (7:27PM)
Good morning Heather.
Congratulations on your reply. I was gratified to read your extended response to my “What is Masturbation?” (03/06, 10:06AM). Contrary to what most seem to think on this site, an extended and structured reply such as yours betokens an extended and structured mind which gave that reply expression. Many mistake brevity (to say nothing of fatuous attachments) with insight but this is never – repeat never – the case. Congratulations again.
When you answer that you regard masturbation as “both” a healthy means of relieving frustration “and” as a metaphor for self-indulgent impotence, I trust that you do not mean simultaneously which, of course, would be self-contradictory. Your position, favouring the former rather than the latter illustrates a diachronic evolution rather than a simultaneous phenomenon embodying incommensurable contradictories.
Your position (“if you feel liked doing it… do it”) appears to be that of full-blown hedonism – sometimes called “skin-surface hedonism” – which is identical to the hedonistic injunction, “If it feels good, do it.” But say you feel like doing it at a public gathering – a sporting event or a concert, perhaps – would you then proceed to “do it” even if it did not involve pulling down your panties, spreading your legs, and inserting your ready-to-go dildo?
If not, why not? In other words, which is to take primacy, your inclination to “do it” or the possibly negative response to those next to you? In still other words, is your behaviour totally “inner-directed” or “other-directed”? (See David Riesman’s “The Lonely Crowd.”)
My reference to how the masturbator would look like in the act of masturbating is, of course, an implicit extension of Riesman’s inner vs. other-directed personality. The other-directed personality would never think of masturbating in public because of the shame and consequent guilt she would feel and – it was Riesman’s point – today’s society is in fact “other-directed”. The question, however, on the basis of your comment, is whether YOU are “inner” or “other.”
Finally, you ask for me send you a package which is “both psychologically insightful and anatomically appropriate.” I was referring, humorously of course (at least I thought so), to your reference to remaining “open” – get it? get it? -but on reflection the phrase might have deeper significance. It entails a theory positing a mind-body relationship such that the one is in harmony with the other. I believe I have such a theory. It maintains that the mind is central to the mind-body relationship. Man (and of course, woman) is, in effect, mind. I call it “Montrealman’s Integrated Philosophy”.
Write back soon.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
MM
You’re asking the philosophical question of what masturbation is.
MM, thank you for your kind words. When I have time I enjoy writing more; it becomes more meaningful when one can address individual points….kudos to you as well.
I certainly didn’t mean simultaneously, that would be tiring, lol, and yes, self-contradictory. I think most of us have been in either state a time or two. I see masturbation as a treat, and yes sometimes an escape from reality. It’s the least expensive form of pleasure a person can have. What a gift we have!
Hedonism you say? LOL Curious, I agree, but public displays of self-love is not my bag. After the Peewee Herman and George Michael episodes, forget it! I “do it” in the privacy of my own home. The closest I get to public is if I accidentally (sure, sure), leave my window shades open. And don’t you know that most women prefer vibrators? Dildos are so passe! Crank it up!
I think I will have to read up on this Riesman’s theory. Definitely intrigued by this. Based on what you say, and from what I have heard around this great city of ours, Riesman may be a tad incorrect. I guess I would be somewhat pruddish (yes, still a tad), and would be with the other-directed crowd.
Open! HAHAHAH Yes, I get it! I like that word! And I do like your theory…great name!
I suppose we should give these dear readers a rest from all of this talk of self stimulation. Thank goodness you can watch porn for free now, eh?
Sweet dreams to you! I’m sure I’ll bump into you again sometime.
Heather
Just make sure you don’t do it too much guys (It helps with energy) you need the testosterone to be absorbed every once in awhile. That’s a medical fact. Just sayin’.
THE PHILOSOPHICAL QUESTION OF MASTURBATION
RSVPs
: Daniel Abraham (03/07, 10:03PM)
Good morning Daniel.
I didn’t understand your question, primarily because I didn’t know whether it was a question or an assertion. On second thought, I came to realize that it didn’t matter. If it was an assertion, then the answer would be “yes.” I am indeed asking the philosophical question of what masturbation means rather than what it simply is. I think we all know what it is but, at the more interesting level, many are not sure what it means. On the other hand, if your sentence was a question my reply would be the same since masturbation is a conscious intentional human activity – one doesn’t masturbate while unconscious or by accident – and since I am interested in exploring the philosophical grounds of all conscious human activity, the answer would also be “yes.” So the answer to your question/assertion is the same. Does this make sense? I think it does but I’m going to have to think about it some more.
:heather_ann01 (10:58PM)
Good morning Heather.
Thank you once again for your thoughtful reply. While as you say the act of masturbation can be viewed as a “gift” for me at least is the motivation, even the philosophical grounds underlying the activity, which take precedence.
In any case, the consistent hedonist, in order to be consistent, must be one of Riesman’s “inner-directed” men, one that is, who answers only to the call of his own governing principles. One thinks of the pre-Socratic philosopher Diogenes who, seated in his barrel outside the gates of Corinth, spanked his monkey when the inclination arose and to hell with what anyone else thought, even those in attendance. But Riesman’s point was that today we lack such autonomous guiding principles however defined and, as a consequence, simply follow the crowd. We are, in other words, “other-directed.” Precisely what the implications are for masturbation remain unclear but one can say that the prevailing view does not seem to be one of moral censure as with the “sin of Onan” in the bible. (I would be interested in hearing just on what basis those in that great city of yours find Riesman to be a “tad incorrect” but that, as you suggest, might be a topic for a later date.)
I’m glad you pointed out to me that the dildo must not be confused with the vibrator but – having seen neither – I can only surmise that the latter and not the former has moving parts. Are the moving parts found only in the tip of the vibrator or are they also located in the shaft as well? But, as in the case of that “tad incorrect,” a detailed description of the vibrator’s moving parts – together, of course, with an account of each on the various surfaces of the vagina – might best be a topic for another time.
Until then Heather.
A pleasure as always.
Cheerio!
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What Is Masturbation
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See: your posts.
By the shining beard of Dennis Cato, I swear this to be true.
Weetabix,
p
most people who perpetually complain about bad partners are usually themselves shit in the sack.
porn is hot but using porn to learn how to screw is like using a sitcom to learn how to raise kids. Life is not entertainment.
Using it to learn a few tips however can’t hurt..
Paul, I believe the term ‘pounding dust’ would apply here.
I agree that great sex takes two and I will openly admit that I won’t be as good with someone who I am not jiving with or not feeling for whatever reason. It’s not as simple as someone being “good” or “bad” in bed. If it happens to you over and over again it might be you.
Also, not all porn involves shit or fists or other weird painful or gross shit. Most of it is just people having regular sexual intercourse. I agree though that you shouldn’t use that as your go to guide. A trick/idea here or there doesn’t hurt though.