The law against spousal and women abuse is toothless. This week we celebrate VDay2009 against violence to women. In my apartment bldg someone called the cops twice when this guy beats up his gf. And he still doing it. The mystery is his gf did not press charges and still lives with him. What’s the point of Vday2009 when the abused women don’t want to be helped. Ridiculous.
— sick of trying to help
This article appears in Jun 4-10, 2009.
How is the law toothless when you state she didn’t press charges? You might help your cause if you placed blame correctly when it comes to him not being charged.
Citizens make complaints.Police press charges, this is not the USA
If she doesn’t want to press charges that’s her problem not yours.
The problem with abused women is that they’re often too psychologically fuck’d up by the abuse to have the strength to press charges, although some are just dumb bitches. Still, a person can only try to help so many times before it becomes a big fat waste of time.
Step one, go learn some domestic abuse 101 if you actually want to “help.”
You don’t get the option to press charges. If police intervene, charges automatically are pressed by the province. I learned this the hard way ( I was on the receiving end ). I didn’t want to press charges, I just wanted to move the hell out, but charges were pressed anyway. It protects some people, but I think it is flawed in situations like mine where it only happened once and I moved out. There was no need to take it further. In my opinion. My guess is she is still living there “illegally”…after the police intervene and charges are laid, there is usually a restraining order put in place until the “trial”…At least this is what I was told by the cops.
In regards to these kinds of events, I wouldn’t take them too seriously. Their sole ‘realistic’ purpose is mainly to spread awareness. However, they must be pretty ineffective if this kind of thing is still going on. The best way to stop abuse is to spread the word mouth to mouth and instill nerve in people to help their friends in need. Ultimately, it’s the victims decision to choose a stable and compassionate partner before they begin to be involved in a serious relationship, instead of throwing themselves at anyone they can. Finding an honest, compassionate, and genuinely pacific person is probably the most important thing in beginning a relationship. Otherwise, you’re just wasting your time.
This woman should know that there are avenues she can pursue rather than put up with this shit. If she chooses to stay, there is nothing you can do so don’t waste your time angsting over this issue.
Until such time as the victims stand up for themselves, this will continue to happen. I can’t remember all the excuses I’ve heard, “I love him, he’ll change”, “He’s only like this when he drinks” and a thousand others. Then when you go to arrest the ass, she starts to interfere and fight you. Then when it comes to court the testify that “I can’t recall” or they perjure themselves. So next time you think a cop is callous or doesn’t care, just remember what I wrote. It’s not that they don’t care, they just get frustrated and after awhile, well you get the idea.
This is a clear case of “live your own life”. Have faith there are resources out there for battered wives and if they don’t use them it’s not your responsibility and not your fault.
If you want to make a change, change the protocol police follow to become pragmatic rather than policy-driven. In my experience, if the woman is pissed off and unafraid when the cops get there, she’s the one going to jail. If she’s not pissed off but fearful and crying he goes to jail. Either way, orders are issued on somebody to prevent them from going to their own home and resolving (or worsening) the matter until a court decides for the both of them (welcome to my bedroom, judge). This approach makes people like the lady in the OP tell you to fuck off when you mention police. No matter what’s happening someone will go to jail. Cops can’t just come be present and restore order. No, the paper trail isn’t big enough, I guess. No, they HAVE to make a criminal of somebody on a domestic call.
Calling the cops is part of the battle. OP, there’s not much more you can do if the victim doesn’t admit she needs help or wants to get out of the relationship.
Personally, I couldn’t handle hearing a woman being beaten up in my apartment complex. I’d be compelled to knock on the door and say something myself. Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last.
I think oftentimes a part of what keeps women in abusive situations is the shaming, blaming and questioning that goes on in regards to domestic violence. People basically suggesting as I see in these comments that women “get themselves beat up” by staying, as if there is no criminal involved, only a self-flagellating victim. If you really care about domestic violence you need to learn about it and find out the many reasons why women stay. If you don’t, you’re just projecting what YOU would do in HER situation, which isn’t helpful.
I’m not going to do the work for anyone who is genuinely interested in learning more about this issue, but one reason for staying is fear for your life. Around half of all female murder victims in Canada are killed by intimate partners. When you add kids to the mix, there is even more incentive to stay.
And by overwhelmingly shaming the victim’s actions rather than the abuser’s it sends a clear message or, at the least, implication to the abuser that the woman somehow deserved it and he should continue with this kind of behavior.
Let’s not forget, the longer one stays in an abusive situation one or both things happen: they learn to be a better victim or they learn to become an abuser. I think explains the OP’s frustration.
OP, kick buddy’s ass.
In my old community, if a partner was beating their spouse or a parent were beating their kids, someone from the neighbourhood stepped in and said something.
Women beaters are cowards when confronted by another man.
You can even add, “If I hear anything coming from your apartment again, I’ll bust your fucking door down and then bust you.”
Sometimes introducing an alpha male is a good thing, eh?
Sometimes what a bully needs is a good ass kicking.
I just realized what I said makes no sense. I should have added after the stat “and the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the woman is attempting to leave.”
Not saying no woman should ever try to leave, but…it’s not black and white.
“Dont want to be helped”? Seriously, what era of enlightenment are you living in, OP?
And Mole Rat, I totally understand what you’re saying. Ever since I had to leave my country of employment due to the abuse I suffered, I’ve heard various people (mostly female, like me) using the term “learned your lesson.” Some of them might have meant “lesson learned,” but still… It could be saying something about the “victim-at-fault” mindset that’s still seen floating around society these days. Any thoughts on that?
I have 2 thoughts. First is that the construction of the experience as a “lesson learned” is a way for these people to distance themselves from domestic abuse…the logic is, “this person did x and got abused; I’m smart, I don’t do x therefore I’ll never be abused.” But it’s not always like that, it could happen to anyone. A lot of abusive relationships start off with no warning signs or by the time warning signs show up the woman’s fallen in love and she kind of explains them away. I was close to someone who dated an emotionally abusive man and he seemed like the greatest guy ever, to all of us….at first.
My second thought is that this mindset also reframes the asshole, if unintentionally, as a do-gooder, in that he has “helped” the woman to learn a lesson. In my mind this is just another way of putting the focus on the woman by saying that she was the only one with true agency, and that, well, violence is just what men do; like they’re a hurricane. I feel that this is why you get the avalanche of questioning of what the woman did and not “why couldn’t HE just stop hitting her?”
I think society just generally has this victim’s-fault mindset and part of it is fear and a reasoning out of things in a way which most comforts the individual and makes them feel they are insulated from it.
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OP, kick buddy’s ass.
In my old community, if a partner was beating their spouse or a parent were beating their kids, someone from the neighbourhood stepped in and said something.
Women beaters are cowards when confronted by another man.
You can even add, “If I hear anything coming from your apartment again, I’ll bust your fucking door down and then bust you.”
Posted by Nice Goin’ Fat on June 6, 2009 at 4:53 PM
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Sorry, but I have to comment considering your violent and agressive posting history:
Methinks thou doth protest too much!
Personally, I couldn’t handle hearing a woman being beaten up in my apartment complex. I’d be compelled to knock on the door and say something myself. Wouldn’t be the first time, won’t be the last.
Posted by Donairious BIG on June 6, 2009 at 2:59 PM
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Oh, the big fucking hero! Well, what if she were a bisexual jew? What then?
I didn’t know you were a bisexual-jew!