Q I am a woman in a relatively new relationship. Prior to this guy, I had a deep disgust for anything anal-related. After some dedicated work and anilingus on his part, he’s helped me overcome my fears of the “grossness” of the area and made me an enthusiastic convert— as a recipient. He has expressed an interest in me reciprocating in butt play and rimming. I know it’s a sensitive area for him and would bring him a lot of pleasure—but no matter how much he cleans, I’m having trouble getting over two issues:
1. I’m submissive and prefer my partners to be dominant. Butt play on him would ruin his “dominant” role for me. However, that problem is minor compared to…
2. He is overweight and hairy, and no amount of cleaning dispels the musk from that area for more than five minutes. When I’m going down on him, I deal, as it isn’t too bad and some amount of genital smell is to be expected. But moving further into his butt area—which is pretty darn huge, hairy and flabby—would require burying my face in the smelliest and least attractive area of his body.
I feel horrible about this. Removing the hair would not be enough to give his butt a shape and remove the extra mass that’s trapping and producing the odours. I feel it’s too horrible to tell him, “I would probably do it if you dropped 50 pounds.” It’s also not fair, as he’s an enthusiastic anal giver (though if not giving means never receiving, I’m willing to go without).
How do I get over this, Dan? Aside from this issue, our sex life is fantastic. I truly am attracted to him, just not his butt. I want to be GGG, but this is really pushing my limits. —Can’t Go There
A I don’t know how you get over it, CGT— hell, I don’t think I’ll ever get over just reading your letter. I recognize, of course, that anal pleasure, however it’s administered, isn’t just for butts on the men’s Australian Olympic diving team. Butts come in all different sizes, shapes and flavours, and not every butt looks as good in a Speedo or—presumably—tastes as good out of a Speedo as, say, Matthew Mitcham’s butt does. And, hey, reciprocity makes the orgasms go round. But there are times when there’s just no getting over something and a face-saving white lie is in order.
Tell him that, as much as you appreciate his efforts to open you up to being on the receiving end of butt play, you don’t think you’ll ever get over your hang-up about being on the giving end. He doesn’t need to know that you might feel differently if Matthew Mitcham had asked you to eat his tiny, tight and thoroughly chlorinated little butt, CGT, so feel free to leave that bit out. End by telling that him you’ll understand if he no longer wishes to indulge you in the butt play that, thanks to his efforts, you’ve come to enjoy so much.
Q I’m a straight 22-year-old male. I have a skin-picking fetish. I get off on picking scabs and patches of dry skin. I also have seborrheic dermatitis, a condition that causes flaky, white patches of dry skin to grow on my scalp. I pick all the scales off my scalp daily. I masturbate afterward and have had some of the best orgasms of my life this way.
My problem: Every girlfriend I’ve ever opened up to about this has been grossed out. None of my girlfriends have been willing to indulge my fetish, even after I’ve been willing to indulge their kinks. They tell me it is unclean or dangerous. Even paid escorts have refused to pick my scalp for me. A woman picking my scalp while I jerk off is my biggest fantasy. Surely there must be a scab-picking girl out there for me. How do I find her? —Scab Kinkest In Need
A It’s going to be that kind of column—the kind you don’t write over lunch. (My apologies to anyone who’s reading this over lunch.)
Your fetish—which, according to the interwebs, goes by the name “phaneromania”—is a blessedly uncommon fetish, SKIN, as well as a pretty high bar to clear. Picking the scabs off someone’s scalp while he beats off isn’t something that even the most open-minded, sexually adventurous partner would regard as a GGG-related responsibility.
Don’t lose hope, SKIN. While there are always more men into a given fetish than there are women, fetishes that involve medical and/or physical maladies tend to tap women at slightly higher rates than other fetishes. It’s the caregiver/nurturer thing taken to a sixy extreme (sick + sexy = sixy).
Keep putting yourself out there, keep being open with the women you date about your ultimate turn-on, and you may hit the sixy jackoffpot. Your only other hope is enough: You’ll have to meet a woman who loves you enough to do this for you or you’ll have to pay a woman enough to do this for you.
Q I’m a 34-year-old openly gay white-collar professional man in an open relationship with my amazing boyfriend of nine years. I’ve been getting fucked on the side for the past two years by a 30-year-old closeted bisexual total top white blue-collar steelworker. Although we have very different backgrounds, we both have a great time when his eight-inch cock is in me. He texts me when he’s horny, I show up, I blow him, he pounds my brains out and ejaculates, and I leave (all safely, of course). Maybe a little chitchat after. He seems like a nice guy, and it’s a NSA attachment that works well.
The issue: I’m afraid he may be a white supremacist. While he has never said anything to me, he has numerous tattoos, including the infamous “88” tattoo (which usually refers to “Heil Hitler,” with H being the eighth letter of the alphabet). Additionally, I’ve seen some paramilitary-type stuff around his place. He’s never said anything bigoted about minorities, and we’ve never discussed it. He obviously has no problem with gay guys—he knows I’m open and out—and I don’t think he’s planning for RAHOWA, but I’m wondering about the tattoos and am afraid to ask.
Do I have to give up his eight-inch blue-collar cock and our no-strings slam sessions because he may hold ideas I find offensive? —Worried Over Racist Dick
A Colour me intolerant, but I don’t think a member of one oppressed minority group—that would be you, WORD—should be bouncing on the dick of someone who endorses hatred directed at members of other minority groups.
Which means you will have to give up those hot slam sessions—but only if this dude is a racist and/or anti-Semitic piece of shit.
Doesn’t that 88 tattoo prove that he’s a POS? Not necessarily. It only proves that he was a POS at the time he got the tattoo. Hatred can fade and people can become more tolerant, but tattoos are forever. He may be ashamed of that tattoo and planning to get it inked over—but you won’t know until you ask.
And you should ask, WORD, and if turns out he’s still a racist and/or anti-Semitic POS, you shouldn’t see him anymore.
This article appears in Dec 9-15, 2010.
I read these queries to Dan from people hoping to fulfill their extreme sexual fantasies and I may laugh or shake my head. More than anything else though, it puts an exclamation mark on the majority of people (me included) who would love nothing more than to be in a healthy (what some would say) ‘vanilla’ sexual relationship and here comes a guy pining for someone to pick his skin flakes. How is that for perspective.
Meanwhile, if this alleged racist scumbag turns out to be in fact, a racist scumbag, but he gets it done real well between the sheets, color me not surprised when this person doesn’t step off right away or at all. In matters of the heart, sex, love, lust, relationships – logic doesn’t apply and advice, whenever asked for or not, is often a waste of time in these matters.
Dunno who is gonna read this, but for what it’s worth…
Regarding SKIN, above… That’s just gross. We all have fantasies, but most of us have the ability to discern between what should be left a fantasy, what should be acted on, and what doesn’t need to be acted on but could be acted on safely.
So, let me compare… I gotta lovely wife and 2 children. GREAT and FULFILLING sex life! I’d love to, however, have sex with 2 sexy women at the same time. But if I were to indulge in this fantasy I would risk losing my wife, my GREAT sex life, my kids… So, what is more important to me? To indulge in each and every fantasy I have, or to discern between important, neutral, and non-important, and then to act according to the priorities made clear by my ability to discern?
I think it is more important to discern and to prioritize than to indulge every fantasy.
So, my advice to SKIN is to masturbate while picking your scabs, and keep this secret in a safe and private zone, and then find a mutually compatible partner with whom you can have a fulfilling life (including sex life).