Equal opportunity pain

Q I love my boyfriend of three years, but I fucked up. We’ve had our
ups and downs—he broke up with me for two months last summer because
he said he was “young and needs to feel free”—but we’ve always worked
through things. He is super-supportive of me, and we’ve both really
grown together as people.

But despite the affection and love, I just don’t feel wanted. I
don’t feel like he wants to fuck my brains out like he used to. In
fact, he rarely does, even when I try to initiate sex. Over the last
six months, I’ve struggled with depression and not feeling sexy, and
not feeling wanted is making both things worse. Last year, we talked
about opening up our relationship, but I wasn’t really comfortable with
it.

Long story short, I went to visit a friend in another city who lives
practically next door to a former fling of mine from four years ago,
and I ended up fooling around with him. It wasn’t full sex, but it was
highly inappropriate. And yet…it felt so good to be wanted so
badly.

I feel like a terrible person for so many reasons. I told my
boyfriend—he didn’t respond emotionally, and after 45 minutes he got
up and left and said he would call me when he knew how he felt. I want
him to forgive me, but I have a feeling he can’t.

I don’t want to cause him any more pain than I already have, but I
have no idea how to do that. Do I give him space? Do I go on with my
life? –Self-Loathing Unfaithful Tramp

A Go on with your life, SLUT. Suicide seems a little drastic, given
the circumstances, so let’s not open a vein over this.

It seems to me that the boyfriend was causing you a great deal of
pain before you caused him pain. He has essentially rejected you again
and again—the time he broke things off so he could “feel free” (what
are you, a cage?), and the many times he’s rejected you sexually and
made you feel unwanted. Your sexual and emotional needs were not being
met, and you succumbed to the attentions of a man who made you feel
wanted. And that was unfortunate, SLUT, but it wasn’t entirely your
fault. If the boyfriend wasn’t sending you the mother of all mixed
signals—doesn’t want to leave you, doesn’t want to fuck you—you
would have been either single and free to fool around on that trip, or
not at all interested in fooling around because you were getting what
you needed at home.

So feel a little bad about what you did—you were technically
involved with someone else when you messed around with that former
fling—but don’t feel too bad. This relationship needed to end; it
wasn’t making either of you happy. Think of it this way: You slammed
your car into a brick wall and totalled the thing. But it was a lemon,
SLUT, and now you’re free to get yourself a new ride.

Q I have been considering becoming a woman. But the straight women I
have talked to about this are very reluctant to assist me in my
transition from being male to being female. I am wondering if you think
that lesbians might be more open-minded in assisting me in my
transition. –Gender Identity Readjustment Looming

A You’re considering becoming a woman—that’s wonderful, GIRL, very
interesting, very compelling stuff, always a special time in a man’s
life. But it’s not like you’re rushing a sorority. Current
members—the straight women you’ve approached, the lesbians you’re
thinking about approaching—are not obligated to answer your
questions, offer you assistance, host a tea or take even the slightest
interest in your transition.

Find a support group for MTFs, GIRL, and you’ll find plenty of
women—longtime members and new pledges—interested in hearing about
your journey. But leave the women you meet in the normal course of your
life—straight women and lesbians who are not your
friends—alone.

Q My hubby wants to do anal for my first time, him fucking me, and
that’s fine—but I’m only going to let him do it after he eats his own
goo! Standoff! We’ve been married 17 years, and I think it would be
hot! He thinks not! I say fair trade! I go down on him after he puts it
in me sometimes, so I know how I taste! Am I the only woman who has
ever asked her husband to eat his goo?

He is willing, finally, because he really, really wants to get into
my ass. But was it wrong for me to ask? Am I a freak? I’ve asked
around, and all my girls think I’m crazy and that it’s a bad sign about
our relationship. But we’ve got two great kids and we love each other
and we have a really happy life—I just want to see my hubby eat his
goo! My girls tell me I must be trying to make him gay! Nope. I just
figured if he gets something he wants, I get something I want.

Am I a freak? Tell me I am not a freak! Tell me others write about
this!

You are respected in our household, and my husband will hear your
answer because I intend to read it to him!! –Great Oozing Orgasms

A You’re a freak, GOO—not that there’s anything wrong with that,
of course. As for the particulars…

You made granting your consent to fulfill his fantasy contingent
upon his consenting to fulfill yours. That was manipulative and unfair
of you, GOO, but it was also pretty freaking hot, just the kind of
good-natured, give-and-take-no-prisoners power play that keeps the sex
interesting after 17 years of marriage.

And I don’t just say that as a fan of goo-eating generally—you
might have gotten a “yes” quicker if you didn’t insist on calling it
“goo”—but as a fan of sexual adventures and pushing boundaries.

You set a bar for the husband to clear, GOO, but you didn’t set it
too high or impossibly high. You weren’t asking him to let you fuck his
ass first, fair but more challenging, or to swallow some other dude’s
load, unfair and extremely challenging.

You didn’t ask him to do something he absolutely, positively
couldn’t do, and you didn’t ask him to do something you haven’t done
yourself (swallow his loads, taste your own juices).

Finally, there’s nothing gay about a guy eating his own
come—unless he’s eating it off some other guy.

This article appears in Sep 3-9, 2009.