Three weeks ago I went to a ?A meeting to support my wife who is battling addiction. It was an “Open” meeting so she felt that I could go with her to understand what she is doing. I have never been looked at or treated with such suspicion in all of my life. After the meeting as we drove home my wife felt she needed to apologize to me for the behaviour of the group then proceeded to tell me that they believe only addicts can help addicts and other people try to sabotage recovery. My question is, how do addicts cope when they have to do something other that go to a meeting? Some of you must work or volunteer or something. Also, some must have spouses/children/etc who aren’t an addict or in recovery, do you leave them? I would never sabotage my wife’s sobriety, it’s been something the family has wished for over 15 years. I just don’t understand. —Puzzled and Bewildered
This article appears in Sep 19-25, 2013.
Maybe try Al-Anon or some other program that encourages family support. This sounds like a cult, don’t drink the kool-aid.
Perhaps one of those botoxed divorcess thought you were going to pull the old stiff one-eye on her.
OB, you enabled your wifes addiction for 15 years. That’s all a group of addicts see when you force yourself into a meeting where they share very personal stories of there addictions and their recovery. Would you want an outsider listening to your stories of turmoil if you were an addict? Didn’t think so.
Its your wife addiction, not yours. She has to deal with it herself, you cannot help her. She will not truly open herself up while you are sitting in judgement of her, nor will anyone else. Just face it, that is a part of her recovery you have no business sticking your nose in, no matter how good your intentions are.
In my younger days i was an alcoholic…didn’t need AA for me to stop…1 failed breath test did it.
I was (still considered to be, technically, even though I have been clean for years) an addict for close to two years. Going to meetings was the worst. What a bunch of sad sac blame game losers. It made me physically ill to listen to people trip over themselves to refer to addiction as a disease. What a joke. I made the shitty decisions that led to addiction, and no one else. Every other person there was just looking to pass off all personal responsibility to lessen their own guilt. Should addiction be treated medically in a lot of cases? Yes. Is it a disease? Fuck no. Good luck to your wife, I hope the meetings help. A supportive partner is THE best thing. And weed, that seemed to help me 🙂
ok, so why some people are social drinkers, like me, and some people cannot stop drinking. I can go a year or so without having any alcohol, it doesn’t cross my mind. then in the summer I like to have a margarita on Friday nights with dinner. and perhaps a baileys with coffee on a cold winter day.
so why don’t I over drink? it’s not something I decide. it’s not a struggle. it just doesn’t
occur to me to drink more than one. and why does someone else keep drinking to stupefaction? that’s not a decision that I can see. I think they are different inside. there is something, some chemical doo-dad that makes them react to alcohol differently than someone like me. that would make it a disease.
people who just like to get shit faced because they are idiots would be a different category.
Does my inability to answer that invalidate my argument? I don’t think it does.
I don’t think that it ‘makes it a disease’, either.
no sg, your inabilities are your own concern.
Well shut MY mouth!
I don’t know why SHITD got so many dislikes on that comment. There were a couple assumptions but everything, for the most part, was absolutely true. I don’t know what to make of using the word ‘disease’ however. On the one hand I don’t think it’s a disease – diseases can be spread and can be cured (in a lot of cases) with medication, etc. Diseases are caused by physical things like virus’ or bacteria. If anything, it is a mental disorder. My mother was a hard-core alcoholic for years. She still is to a lesser degree. It made her depressed and put her on anti-depressants, which she continued to drink with despite the doctors orders. She tried to kill herself more than once. So, is it a disease? I’m skeptical about that – but is there some component to alcoholism that actually is out of the addicts immediate control? I think that is more than possible in severe cases.
i’m the clean up batter, i usually give a like to those who are lacking
there’s infectious disease, then just plain old disease. ‘an impairment of the normal physiological function’ and could be caused by infection, virus, genetic disposition or stress, amongst other causes.
many definitions. but still, some people become addicted to something like alcohol, which many people take without becoming addicted to it.
crack (which I know absolutely nothing about) I hear is instantly addictive to everyone.
yeah, I agreed with harpers comments too. husband should go to al anon? the group for families.
As much as you are trying to help your wife, ?A meetings are for people suffering through an addiction NOT for those who have no clue what it’s like to be that person. There are family/friend support groups for that. You have no business going to meetings for addicts with your wife no matter what your intentions are.
Yes, I understand you’re trying to support your wife, but addicts don’t need to see someone in their ‘safe space’ who have no idea what they’re going through. It’s a slap in the face. THey deal with people every day who have NO CLUE what they’re going through and never will, unless they end up with some sort of addiction, themselves, so why should they have to deal with that in their place of healing? I imagine the people in your wife’s meeting felt insulted by your presence, to be honest.
I’m really kinda shocked you didn’t clue into this before writing this bitch, OB.
Also: what SHITTY said.
Alcoholism,drug addiction or anything type of addiction, is merely a symptom of an underlying mental health problem.Deal with the mental health issue/s while treating the addiction,should lead to a more positive outcome.
Why would the group act like that. It’s not like you can avoid your husband!
Alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling, sex addiction, is all a disease of the mind. It’s recognized as such in the Canadian Medical Health Association. It’s cunning, baffling, quiet, ellusive, controlling, a creeper and mind bogglingly tiring to any one afflicted with it. So when someone goes into a recovery place, it’s where they come to find others that are like minded to reassure that they are ok, and not going crazy. It’s a huge support group of friends. Not all are friends, but all are in recovery, and not all at the same stage, some stare, but they are staring through you, don’t think too much about what people think in a meeting. All are there for one reason, to help the next addict get through the day. I’ve been to one hell uva lot of meetings in my life. I don’t remember too many that were condensating to someone who was supporting another alcoholic/addict. It might of been Op, and what Op was thinking what others were thinking, when others were thinking of what they were going to do after the meeting so that they don’t head to the liquor store, or the local dealer.
We intend and choose everything in our lives, and repetition of similar choices/intentions leads to habit creation. Continued and related habits lead to paradigm creation. We can actually become ‘addicted’ to anything by creating an appropriate paradigm. Everyone is ‘addicted’ to something – whether it be the way they walk, how they eat their cereal, how they drive, to smoking. I say ‘addicted’ because of course no one is actually addicted to the way they walk, but everyone has created a walking paradigm so we never have to think about it; we’ve ‘habituated’ ways of walking.
Paradigms are hard to break because they have a mental and physical hold over the body. Everything that enters our subconscious mind is filtered through these paradigms. When someone develops a paradigm related to alcohol, everything that their mind is absorbing is seen through a lens of alcoholism (among many other lens/paradigms operating simultaneously). We know an addict can develop ‘triggers’ (things/events complimentary to their paradigm) because they can easily absorb other related habits into their addiction paradigm (ie: A cigarette with a coffee – two habits, now related by repeating the tasks together, have created a new paradigm complimentary to a nicotine addiction… and caffeine addiction.
Addicts (or people on the road towards addiction) have literally habituated themselves mentally towards their addiction, while their physical bodies have become addicted through the chemical material processes. This is what we would call the ‘downward spiral’ – the mental and physical addictions beginning to ‘sync up’. Obviously much more difficult, but the solution would be an attempt to spiral outwards and habituate wellness within an addict and create new paradigms that lack any relation previous addictions.
It is NOT a disease. Calling it that removes the individuals responsibility, as was stated above by SpuriousGiles, and undermines their ability to combat their addiction.
Well Captain, due to your prognosis on addiction, I can see we have to change all the medical data in the world…yes the world, as the world besides you, Dr. Captain I presume, treat this as a disease. I will not debate. I have seen people clean and sober for decades, then go back out, and pick up where they left off 20 years ago, as if they never quit the substance abuse. Try that for a paradigm shift.
What you call a ‘disease of the mind’, The Captain calls a paradigm, Irishman.
I really don’t feel like debating with you either, but I don’t believe the whole world does agree it’s a disease. That’s just plain false. I’m sure with a little research you’d discover people who think similarly to the way I do. I know this for a fact because I didn’t come to these conclusion by myself, It was from research into the subject that I discovered alternate viewpoints. Sure, some viewpoints are obscure and irrelevant, some even dangerously wrong. But, I firmly believe that anything affiliated with the mind (which any human behavior ultimately is) must receive dual treatment. The physical addiction of the body and the mental paradigms associated with the addiction.
Someone relapsing after 20 years of sobriety does not disprove my point at all. Likely this person hadn’t properly adjusted their paradigms, so a relapse was likely (in this case inevitable), OR it could be a completely new paradigm that just happens to be related to the same addiction. Maybe they had liberated themselves from physical addiction but hadn’t remedied their paradigms, and the proper triggers hadn’t had the opportunity to engage until 20 years down the road? Maybe only willpower kept them sober? Maybe you kept them sober and one day when you weren’t around they relapsed? There’s countless reasons for relapsing, none of which disprove paradigms being one of the controlling factors in addiction.
This is just sad… in my opinion (and yes I have dealt with addicts in my life) meetings should be open and make EVERYONE feel welcome.. if your at the meeting supporting your wife they should look at that like you want to be able to learn and help your wife with her demons, and I know from experience that watching someone go through addiction is extremely difficult and we need support too.
I get that people struggling with addiction need closed meetings but if you attended the OPEN meeting, it’s designed for OPEN attendance – and it sucked you got that response. People I know in AA have varied experiences ranging from great to the absolute worst, sounds like you hit that range of the scale. Hopefully it’s doing something good for your wife.