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Dear Birds – go shit somewhere else!! You feathered fuckers piss me off, I wash my car, stand back to admire the sweat and toil and then kersplat a big fucking bird turd on the hood.
Anyone willing to chuck in some $$ for bird depends? —Jonathan Livingston Seagull
This article appears in Jun 10-16, 2010.
19 Comments
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hey there buddo, nothing that a cheap bb gun, or pellet gun won’t take car of. or if you prefer, a slingshot will do just as good.
Don’t forget that we have a deal with the pigeons.
And yes, birds pooing everywhere is a recurring problem in just about every city in the world.
shit hawks are ruining beaches all over canada
pretty sure the birds were here first. Maybe they’re getting back at us for ruining the world.
If you believe Bakker then they sure were here first.
I like them more now then how they used to be.
I don’t particularly like the thought of being disemboweled by a pissed off ostrich or some ill tempered swarm of hummingbirds.
Oh Yeah – “Dinosaur Heresies” guy. Paleontologists are the coolest scientists. After all who’s still around to tell them they’re wrong.
Free Mkole-Mbemebe!
and really… who doesn’t like ‘slowly digging’ as a profession????
I used to dig for FREE as a kid.
Just remember not to stand too close to the car, looking at the shine in AWWW with your mouth open. Bird Turds splatter when they hit.
I love pigeons and have rescued 3 over time. They’re funny birds with lots of personality. And a reminder to people who whine about how filthy city birds are: its not their fault, it’s ours. To the next scumbag I see who tries to kick one: I’m going to kick you hard.
I love pigeons! They’re always so happy! And I completely agree with them being dirty our fault.
Hey there Life sucks: Would you really kill a bird if it crapped on your car??? Really? Thats some evil shit man. If you can’t deal with bird shit how in the hell are you going to deal with the body of a dead bird?
I like to believe that LS would kill a person who crapped on his Lincoln. Of course I also believe that there’s a plesiosaur in Loch Ness, because, somehow, the world is just a little bit better if these things are true.
You are one funny cat Ivan. 🙂
Pour a bag of uncooked rice on the street down from your house. The birds will fill up on it, it’ll expand in their stomachs, and taadaa no more birds. Putting TUMS in pieces of bread also works.
stay the fuck outta my neighbourhood sebastard
Spassibo FM, glad to dispense shits and giggles with my drivel, and you best heed the words of Paingirl, Seb, lest you suffer a Promethean fate.
that was just your frog exaggerator Ivan…
That one’s gonna need some explanation zZz. And, does anybody else smell burnt toast…
In my experience, birds can sense your dislike, and shit on you on purpose. I’ve been around numerous people who have been shit on only moments after declaring their disdain for seagulls or pigeons. Make peace with them and you wont have any problems!