Why do I strive to impress her? I always have. She is painfully critical of me and my choices. This is ridiculous, I am a grown ass woman. How she reduces me to this I have no idea. I am a child in her presence, trying so hard no to fuck up and say something dumb, because with a glare or an underhanded insult she reduces me to tears. She found out I’m not working and I overheard her telling my Mum and Auntie: “I’m not worrying about anyone anymore. Just you guys. I don’t have time to worry about her.” Maybe you don’t have to worry but it wouldn’t hurt for you to pretend like you give two shits. Other people notice this. You treat your other Grandchildren differently. When I saw you before church on Christmas Eve and I knelt down to whisper Merry Christmas, you gave me a dirty look like I was someone you hated giving you an insult. I smile at you and you sneer. I offer to help you with something and you turn it around to make me feel like the smallest fucking tool like how DARE i offer to help you with this or that. I’m a nice person and a good person and other people tell me that they love me. I write music, I have a band. I wouldn’t think you’d ever be curious about that, or want to hear any of my recordings, because the one song that I ever showed you, you left the room before the song was even over (my music is not offensive to anyone that I could possibly imagine) and offered not a word of feedback. I know you disapprove of my piercings, tattoos, overall lifestyle and divorce but this is me and I wish you would accept me, or alternately that I could tell you to go fuck yourself, but ultimately I love you because you are my Grandmother and I will continue to suffer through this for the rest of your life. Holy shit this is such a depressing subject matter and I hate talking about it because it makes me sound like a whiny victim and that’s definitely not who I like to be…. so yeah, that’s my bitch.
—I’m really actually a very happy person.
This article appears in Dec 24-30, 2009.
I so get where you’re coming from, OP. And so will others (mostly women). This is where that hit song is going to come from… turn this bitch into hit music and fuck ’em all!
you can’t pick your family
you might not even like them
I wonder why
now that some of those members of my family are now gone.
do I miss them ?
She’s an old lady and she’s channeling some major angry issues. You weren’t born to live up to her expectations. Be polite but be who you are instead of taking her dirty looks to heart – there’s much more going on here. It could be anything from the stress of getting older and bitter or she could just be stirring up the shit for entertainment value. Many old ladies thrive on that shit. Whatever her reason, don’t let her verbal knives pin you to a wall.
just threaten to put her in a home far far away and to never visit that’ll learn her
If she treats you like a child, you have given yourself permission to feel like a child. Don’t let this rotten old cow chip away at your self esteem. Be the grown-up you are.
I feel your pain OP. My grandmother on my mother’s side was a cranky old bitch, and treated me like shit, even though I never did a thing to cross her. I danced on her grave when she died. Just realize this: it’s okay to hate her and be angry about the fact that you were treated badly, family or not.
My grandmother on my father’s side was a cranky old bitch too, Dr. F. When she croaked there were literally 4 people at her funeral. She had cut us off years before because my father just got tired of her ragging on me (she didn’t understand why my parents paid for music lessons for so many years, she didn’t understand why I HAD to go to university, blahblah. She asked my dad how much they paid for my music lessons and then when he refused to tell her she went on about how music lessons was such a waste of money) and how did she die? Alone. She had a stroke, fell on the kitchen floor and refused to call 911 because she didn’t want them to break down her door and track dirt into her house. So she laid on the floor for 6 hours until her housekeeper came over. She died a few days later all alone in the hospital. Sad thing is, despite everything, we would’ve gone to the hospital to be with her when she died, but she was too obstinate to have them call us.
She was buried on the coldest day of the year the year she died, which was kind of awesome since she hated the cold, and instead of being sad, everyone there (all 4 of us) just kept thinking “is this over YET? It’s fucking COLD out here.” How sad is that?
We bent over backwards for that old c**t, hell EVERYONE bent over backwards for her, but she just wanted more and more and thought being mean and sour to everyone was fitting.
Trust me, no one’s missing her, now that she’s rotting in hell.
OP, just accept the fact that your grandmother is a bitter old bitch for the way she’s treating you, and no matter what you do you’ll never bee “good enough.” Some people are just mean like that. The best way to deal with it is to pretty much ignore her. Be polite, but you’re probably never going to have an amicable relationship with her on her part, so despite the fact that she’s your grandmother, you need to occupy yourself with other things and when she’s around just ignore her. Don’t talk to her unless she talks to you (don’t bother making an effort) and if she disparages you tell her in an assertive tone that you do not tolerate such disrespect. Just because she’s your elder, doesn’t mean you have to take such mistreatment. When you stop making an effort, she’ll notice. And when you stand up for yourself (who cares if she’s your grandmother — no one has the right to treat you like dirt and make you feel like shit about yourself!) she may get it through her head that she can’t just do as she pleases and get away with it.
and you’ll probably be the one to get everything,when she kicks off.just be fucking cool and kiss her ass til then.if yo get shit all after she goes,then just piss on her grave,simple as that.
I totally agree with the OP.
This post DOES make you sound like a whiner.
Have some respect for your elders…maybe she knows something you don’t about the dificulty of life – there’s more to it that getting a few silly tats and dumb-ass piercings (what is it, 2003?) and I bet that’s not even an issue until you made it one…Why would you expect someone from that generation to “get it” and support that kinda crap?
And why AREN’T you working? Because you “have a band”? (snicker). I bet if there was a REAL reason, your grandmother would understand.
And the poster that said her grandparent was “rotting in hell”…that’s true class, that…
“don’t bother making an effort”?
“just ignore her”?
What lovely advice, you should have your own column.
Sadly, there are some relatives who cannot be pleased, no matter what you do. We all have someone like this in our families.
You can try to reach out to those people only so much, but sometimes you do all you can and it isn’t enough.
Some people do get very strange as they get older; as awful as it can be for those who have to deal with it, sometimes it really isn’t their fault.
I think with some elderly people you just have to try to be the better person, be gracious, and then, if necessary, keep your distance as much as you need to to keep sane.
Their loss of perception and ability is not a reflection on you, nor is their lack of understanding of the things that young people do.
Be gentle with them, but respect your own needs too.
Good luck, OP, and try not to take her comments to heart.
OP: Some people are just toxic. Sounds like grandmama is one of them. Don’t take it personally and avoid her like the plague. Her toxicity is her problem, not yours. Choose to surround yourself with positive people. The negative ones will only drag you down!
Then what would you suggest Frosty? Hm? Ball those issues up and tuck them away? Regardless of what happens, some people are bad people. Even family. What, you’re supposed to just suck it up and be treated like a sack of shit because they have “life experience”?
My grandma was awesome. I miss her.
she wants to be a bitch… then yeah, the cold shoulder.
sarcasm usually works nicely as well….. she won’t quite get it at first and you get to speak your mind a little more.
surprisingly, tattoos are only really excepted when more and more family members have them, otherwise they seem like an outcast trigger.
Sorry Mr Frosty- I totally respect my elders. But that does not give them a license to treat my like a piece of shit.
Sometimes, in spite of blood connection, an adverse chemistry occurs that causes repulsion. Sometimes, a family member just cannot ‘connect’ with another family member. It is not intentional. It is not something that was done. It is just the way it is.
My sister has this type of chemistry. The family cannot seem to connect with her, and it is very unfortunate, because she connects with them. She is the ‘black sheep’ (not due to anything she has done but because of a twist of nature). But, because she is family, they try to resist their feeling of repulsion. Yet, I am sure she feels the lack of closeness.
It might be that your grandmother simply cannot connect with you for this reason. If so, there is not much you can do about it. You just accept that it is no one’s fault, and you move on. Although, I must say that this is no excuse for your grandmother’s bad manners. Still, I would suggest that you don’t take it personally. She sounds like an old woman who is grown too tired and too impatient to take the time needed to try to understand you.
Perhaps you can try to understand her instead. Ask her about herself instead of trying to show her who you are. Ask her to play her music instead of playing her your musical preferences. Most of her life, she has served others and tended to their needs. Maybe she just wants others to make it about her for a change.
This is such an embarrasing community.
I like your insight HKM.
The fact that only FOUR people attended her funeral is kind of telling of her level of respect amongst everyone she knew. I went with my parents because I had to (my dad didn’t even want to go and my mom had to force him to go and she was his mother!), so that’s three, and the fourth was someone who figured she’d be in the will.
Just because someone has “life experience” and is older than you (no matter HOW much older) doesn’t mean they automatically deserve respect. You have no idea how horrible this woman was so suck it, frosty.
My grandmother on my mom’s side was amazing, so that made up for the nightmare on my dad’s side. She died when I was little. My cousin and I still miss her now that we’re all grown up 🙁
I’d laugh if they all missed out on huge inheritances.
I was the only male in the family my granny allowed to smoke and drink alcohol in her house . I always fixed things in her house before she passed . Sexist ? Oh yea !!! Did she ever judge or harp at me – NEVER!!!! Whatever i did right or wrong was fine . I feel for the OP – Thats alot of shit to deal with . But i never went through it – so i have no idea. Old school people like that are stuck in their ways – hard to please and all use new generation people are fucked because we don’t watch lawrence welk nomore. But its granny man – you gotta find the happy medium with them !!!! Or learn to listen to them and take it all with a grain of salt – and do the opposite when they can’t see.
lawrence welk was cooler than holywood; anna one anna two…
Ah, Lawrence Welk!
My Grandma loved him so much. As a kid, I never understood the attraction, but I am sure my own musical tastes seemed just as mysterious to her. (I do recall some pretty impressive tap-dancing on that show, now that I think about it.)
Even the best-loved family members can still drive you completely, utterly crazy at times, and Christmas does add to the bizarre-ness of the whole thing.
Hope everyone gets through it all OK, and has a Happy New Year!
we didn’t have a lot of channels at that age but i remember the show…the hairstyles were wild and he always chose a lady to dance with from the audience
Since my grandmother didn’t acknowledge us as her grandchildren (war romance love child = ), my great-grandmother stood in her place. She wasn’t the typical grandmother, though–no Lawrence Welk, no cookies, no pearls of wisdom. In fact, she was a player until the day she died (102 with a 58 year old boyfriend). In the pictures I have of her as a younger woman, if she isn’t showing off her car, she’s toting a shot gun. Strong, sensational and scandalous–that’s my granny.
as long as they’re not yours feisty/hardcore grannies are frigg’n hilarious especially when they start gossiping; i can spend hours talking to my buddies mom she’ll say anything about anybody
One of my grandmothers died a few years ago and I actually felt kind of bad for not being that sad about it. I never shed one tear. She wasn’t awful or anything, just not particularly warm or friendly. She came from a wealthy family and always had everything handed to her, and despite not having much money left in her later years, still expected and mostly received this treatment.
Oddly enough, when my not particularly warm or friendly Grandfather died, I was sad and I did cry. I think I felt bad for him more than anything – he was a war hero, but slowly faded away and died sad and alone. Only about a third of the people showed up to his funeral they were expecting. Just seeing how he faded so slowly and failed so quickly really got to me. I was surprised.
I have a sort of theory about people like the Op’s nasty grandma: Maybe the OP somehow reminds grandma of traits in her own self which grandma dislikes and wishes she could forget for some reason. My dad treated me this way all through my childhood. Over time, I’ve come to realize how many similaries I actually have with him (except for the cruelty and alcoholism) and I think that atleast on a suconscious level, he saw this from the beginning. Because he hates himself, I think that my existence was for him like a mirror being held up to his face, which made him react in disgust, shame, whatever- to the traits he didn’t want to admit he had, thought were weak, whatever- and treat me like a scrap of dirt.
Just because someone is family, doesn’t mean you have to put up with their bullshit. Cut this bitter old bitch out of your life and move on. As the song goes she’s ‘not worth the salt in your tears’.
I don’t think your Grandma is the type to read bitches on the Coast. Or maybe she is.. I just don’t think she’d “approve”.