What the fuck is up with the culture scene in HaliFUCKS??! Shit! I moved half way cross the country to this fucking city for school, and its deadd! Fuck, where I come from you could sit out front a building and whip out a puppet, and fucking marionettes would gang round from everywhere. Muthafuckers would be whippin off they socks and drawin faces on em to get in on the action. Shit! Man, this stuff went down daily! Round this fuckin shit spot they anint nothin. Nothinn! Fuck! I took my puppets down to fucking Murphy’s wharf and not one fuckin soul joined me! I fuckin had to do Mid Summer Night’s Dream by my fuckin self! Shit, man, back home we used to find a fuckin cardboard box in an alley, cut a hole in that muthafucker, and put on a fuckin puppet show. What the fuck is wrong with you Halifax??!!! Shit, it pisses me off too much to even write bout!
—puppet master
This article appears in Jun 4-10, 2009.
This one’s going to be good. It’s a perfect storm of grammar, ‘from away’ and … uh, puppets?
This is the scariest bitch I’ve heard in a long while. Go take your creepy, rapist ass back to goddamn Montreal with your little Chuckie dolls, freak.
I’ve never seen someone so upset about the lack of puppet shows in Halifax before.
Did you know that you can build your own muppet at FAO Schwartz?
This guy sounds creepy as fuck. People are wierded out by you, guy. Isn’t it obvious?
Best bitch ever.
Maybe your bit sucks. Maybe your friends’ routines suck too. Maybe the Halifuck puppeteers are cultured and perhaps they recognize a dime-bag act when they see one. Perhaps you’d congregate in your glorious city to put on the suckiest rendition of Mid Summer Night’s Dream and you didn’t even know it because you were among friends. Halifucks is likely doing you a favour.
And for your information, I am basing my attack solely on your lack of creativity, ie, Halifucks. Come on, it would have been so much better if you would have written Halifux. Your lack of creativity commits me to believe that you are a nerdy fucking puppet man. Go home if you love it so much, you “Old Trout Puppet Workshop” wannabe. With all your slander, you never know, you might get a hand shoved up your ass next time you’re down at the waterfront.
F. Mahoney
I only read about half of that garble of shit, but dude, go back to puppetland already. This is not the “marionette” capital of Canada that you may of thought it was…
Don’t they do puppet shows at the library. Why don’t you go there and entertain the kiddies. But watch the language!
Haha too funny. Halifax isn’t that open to new people unfortunately. Friendly on the surface, but there is no want to actually meet and hang with someone that haven’t grown up here. All my good friends are from out of province. As such, I can kind of feel the pain. Plus I am missing the day’s when you could sit on your doorstep, or anywhere, and have beers with whomever lives in the area and it all just be good times.
“Muthafuckers would be whippin off they socks and drawin faces on em to get in on the action.”
This is quite possibly the funniest thing I’ve read all year.
“Cut a hole in that muthafucka, put on a fuckin puppet show.” OP’s puppets: http://www.moonbattery.com/chuckie-w-bride…
Next time I’m on the bus I’m gonna whip my socks off and drop some puppet!
The continued entertainment I get from this bitch makes it worth it. I almost spit out the water in my mouth over “Fuck, where I come from you could sit out front a building and whip out a puppet, and fucking marionettes would gang round from everywhere.” AND it was like the third time I read it.
I’m also really, truly interested in where the OP comes from. Where is this puppet paradise?
That’ll do, pig. That’ll do.
Are you kidding me!?! Is this bitch a sick joke!?! And, do you think you can say, “fuck” just once more!
I couldn’t contain my laughter at this bitch. I can just picture some dude sitting on the grass talking to a sock on his hand or a creepy doll all by himself giving people the stink eye has they awkwardly and quietly strolled by trying to avoid this nutjob. hahahaha
The language used in this post really makes the OP sound terribly cultured, doesn’t it? I think that the OP’s version of Midsummer Night’s Dream would be very entertaining, but probably not terribly family friendly.
The last time I “whipped out my puppet” I got my face slapped.
I have a feeling that this bitch ain’t real. Shit man!
Lang, why you gotta rain on my parade for?
I believe that there is a place in this world were I could whip out my puppet and have marionettes instantly appear, where people are so excited by my puppet that they take their socks off and use the sharpie they all carry around (for this purpose) to create their own special puppets and, together, we all use our puppets to act out some of history’s greatest plays.
Just because you’re not a believer doesn’t mean the rest of us don’t dream… 😉
Conky!
I’m pretty sure “The Bard” never used the word “Fuck” in any of his works.
I had a horrible day, and as per my routine, came home to read the Bitches in The Coast. Thank you, poster and commentators, for helping me crack a smile :o)
“Master of puppets are pulling your strings…”
This is definitely my favorite Bitch of all time, real or not.
I’m guessing as a child this guy
put it in his mouth,
stuffed it in his face,
cause it looked good to eat
and looked good to taste.
Angel, “Halifax isn’t that open to new people unfortunately. Friendly on the surface, but…”
Thanks! At least someone’s got enough balls to admit it. If I had said something like that, I’d be told what a horrible person I was and to go back to where I came from. Friendly Nova Scoita? My ASS.
We were sworn at and threatened by an angry flute busker a few years ago in Montreal. I hadn’t previously thought of the flute as an “angry” instrument, but I guess music is in the musician . . .
As far as puppets go, well, I personally find them a bit scary (like clowns).
So maybe there are some good reasons why the puppet subculture is more, uh, “underground” here in Halifax than in other, more “world-class” kinds of cities.
lol zzz…..big time
this bitch is amazing. I have renewed my faith in humanity.
I agree with Mole Rat. This is the best bitch EVER!!!
“Muthafuckers would be whippin off they socks and drawin faces on em to get in on the action.”
AAAAAAAaaaahahahahahahahhaaaahahaha!!!!
Classic!
Wow. Thanks OP, for your amazing bitch. It made my day, and I read it aloud to a rapturous audience. They thank you too.
Sorry about the lack of Halifax Puppet Jams, I guess.
Holy jebus, where the fuck is TTFN on this one.
Where’s Ed the Sock on this one?
Puppets, sock puppets, marionettes, muthafuckin puppets, holes in cardboard boxes, A Mid Summers Night Dream puppets, Jesus fucking Christ, I almost lost my fucking sock puppet dinner over this one. Maybe this one ” from away ” might want to take up Mime sock puppetry, silent and unheard. Remember people, keep your Sharpies and socks close to you, you never know when an instantaneous puppet show might pop up. That was hilarious
Another vote for best bitch ever. Was it ironic, was it satire? Dunno but sure was funny.
best bitch ever…it was almost the highlight of my day
Ya can’t hold your fucking nose and watch a puppet show, bonehead. Haven’t you seen people retching beach whistles on the Harbour Hopper?
beach whistles thats the highlight thanks ttfn
omg i’m picturing some “homie” doing a rendition of shakespear in ghetto slang with a sock puppet “yo, wherefore are thou n shit” bahahahahahahahaha
what? are the homeless on spring garden going to chime in and all spontaneously take off their socks and put on a play cuz this fucknut showed up in town? cuz if they did i might give em some change…just sayin
I had visions of Being John Malkovich when I read this…what’s up with puppeteers? I’m tired as hell and nearly choked laughing over this one.
omg stop….stop…can’t take it lollolololol hollyshi omg stomach hurts..stop….uncle…..lolol lolo
ohhhh crap,,hahahahah….ahhhhhhh…….whippin off they socks and drawin faces on em to get in on the action…omg..stop already let smee off..stomach hurts more….omg too fucking funny man….too mucking fuch….ahhhhhhhh your killing me ..can’t catch breath help….call 911
ahhhhhh…I’m OK…..I’m breathing again.
That was actually disturbing, Smee.
So sorry. That was the most I laughed since I saw “It sucks to be me” while mushrooming in Digby. I came in and read it all at once to the end….Too much all at once. Won’t happen again.
Fuck off 1fallingangels1, Most of my friends are from out of the province too, and I grew up here. How is that possible if I’m only friendly on the outside, not open to new people, and not willing to hang out with people who are from out of town? Stop making sweeping generalizations based on your personal limited experience and you’ll stop sounding like a douchebag.
Hahahahahaha. I think I may have to keep this whole bitch on hand for the next time someone asks me for my favourite quote. And now for some reason I can’t stop picturing spontaneous puppet shows happening all over Kingston, Ont. For some reason it just seems appropriate.
Bobby 33 , getting your face slapped sounds better than “Last time I whipped out my puppet” everyone burst out laughing 😉
It seems Halifax only likes it’s puppets on televised shows. Didn’t I just read a blurb the the Halifax Film Companies pupet show ‘Mighty Jungle’ just won an award.
ahahaha puppets
Web Nazi Tim, can you do everyone a favor and make this bitch one that gets printed? The Coast offline readers would appreciate it.
I second that one.
pweety pweety pease
A pair of socks, $3.49;
A sharpie, $1.19;
A box cutter, 99c
A cardboard box, free;
A puppet master, FUCKING PRICELESS!
Hmm, I wonder if the OP is the crazy I was forced to sit beside on the #1 a week or two ago who had a marionette that they kept putting on me and yelling “YOU CAN’T SUE ME!”.
But this person was a big, middle-aged white woman, which would be pretty halarious if she was in fact the OP.
hehe… i love this bitch. it’s my favourite so far.
Best bitch ever.
Agreed…..I’m so weak I’m crying.
This must be the puppet bitch that was nominated that everyone is talking about. I missed this one. Pretty effin’ funny! Punch with your Judy anyone? And where the heck are Lambchop, Casey and Finnegan when you need them??? Aunt Bird are you listening?
I never realized just how cold I was to the idea of a puppet show until I read this bitch… I mean I always assumed that a man with his sock anywhere but on his foot was kinda cracked… I truly am enlightened. From this point forward, I will offer my socks to anyone who asks in their best puppet voice.