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I hooked up with you once. After that one night, I realized I wasn’t feeling it and decided to never contact you again. You never contacted me again either, so I moved on. Then I found out the other day, you apparently said I didn’t contact you anymore because I was ashamed of my performance in bed and that I felt too awkward facing you again. You made fun of the way I ate your pussy; I just slobbered all over it to make it wet instead of turning you on enough to lube yourself with your own fluids…..well, hon, it’s true – I DID slobber all over it…but not because I didn’t know how to eat pussy, it was because you smelled so weird that I questioned your personal hygiene and didn’t want to keep your juices in my mouth for any amount of time! I was so turned off that I went soft. I had to pretend that it had nothing to do with you and stated I drank too much to save your feelings, and was only able to get it up again when you went down on me! You need to get that ego in check. I may be ugly but that doesn’t mean I don’t expect my partners to be washed. —Some guy
This article appears in Mar 19-25, 2015.
…. cue montrealman with a question about whether she had “magnificent labia”….1.2.3…
CUNNILINGUS AS WINE-TASTING
Well yes, I think that’s the key. If her labia are magnificent – the concept includes several criteria not dissimilar to those encountered in tasting a fine wine – then it’s smooth sailing ahead.
SIGHT: In the case of sight, in the way we look for a bright, medium red (I don’t do whites) we should have outstanding labial appearance where balance is the governing factor. In other words, the labia should not be miniscule but, on the other hand, not resemble elephant ear flaps. While this is a subjective assessment it does, I think, fall within a generally accepted parameter which, of necessity, takes the size of the female herself into account.
NOSE: There should be a certain layered complexity on the nose hinting at fruits and flowers, although what fruits and flowers will, like the female, vary from place to place. A light cherry-like burgundy would be extremely acceptable to the cognoscenti of that terroir but blackberry, so typical of the great classified growths of Bordeaux has as many, if not more, devotees. I myself go for the Bordeaux.
PALATE: As might be supposed, palate or mouth-feel plays a central role. Once again balance is the key, here in the form of a harmonious combination of acids and tannins. The former should not be too sharp while the latter should not be too mouth-drying. The combination of a harmonious balance of acids and tannins promises to produce a sustained and engrossing bouquet over time.
So let’s get tasting!
A pleasure as always,
Cheerio!
Well. That’s just gross OB.
Given his enthusiasm for the subject and his apparent writing skills, I think it would be a natural choice for montrealman to do a world tour and write an International Guide to Labia. It would compare the qualities inherent to each nationality. I foresee a NY Times best seller in the making.
I see the quality of one-nighters hasn’t improved since time began.
Waiting until you are in a loving, caring relationship before bumping uglies seems so over-rated. Even if it does give you time to get to know someone well enough to find out if their personal hygiene standards exist. Good thing all she got to taste and smell is rubber raincoat. Right? Right?
In other news: syphilis cases are on the rise.
Is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theatre?
Does she speak eloquently?
And would she have your baby?
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother
^^^ Alanis, welcome to LTWWB!
^^^ Thanks, I hope everyone is as welcoming!
Egghead, Nukka isn’t a noob here; you either love him or hate him – depending on his comment at any given time. I personally enjoy his character here but wouldn’t get too used to seeing it around *if ya know what I mean*
well isn’t this bitch tactful as fuck.
Hate Nukka? Not possible Hoist, I even send out postcards!
THE INTERNATIONAL GUIDE TO LABIA
RSVP
Egghead (03/23, 1051AM)
An excellent suggestion. Comparing the qualities of labia inherent in each nationality poses both a compelling challenge and a long-neglected area of research. Ranking the labia on the basis of Sight, Nose and Palate featuring a 20-point scale for each with supporting notes on a standardized chart as with fine wines would lend objectivity to what has heretofore been an anecdotal and largely subjective enterprise. But, as with wines, a solid foundation of experiential background would work to distinguish the Master of Labia, as with the Master of Wine, from the callow tyro.
So let’s get tasting!
A pleasure as always!
Cheerio!
Ho!$T said: “Egghead, Nukka isn’t a noob here;”
Yes. I recognize the name. I was joking about his quote of lines from Alanis Morisette’s ode to being dumped despite her oral talents (of the sexual kind, that is)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY
… and by the way, so far I haven’t come across anyone here who I truly detested. Everyone has their own baggage but also something to offer … even if it is just a comment that makes you scratch your head in wonder. Whatever happened to Mary Bore anyway?
It’s a hookup. What did you expect? Quality companionship?
So, the moderator has been deleting satirical and self-referential posts left and right . . . and yet this lovely descriptive item is posted for all to . . . uh . . . “enjoy.”
Reply to the OB: you both sound so gross that you should thank your lucky stars for finding each other. You two really should get together for the long term and thus spare any other single people out there the risk of crossing paths with either of you two charmers.
”smelled so weird that I questioned your personal hygiene and didn’t want to keep your juices in my mouth for any amount of time!” …… sweet geezuz man, how drunk were you?
She got the jump on you chump. This just makes you look desperate to save some face and blame her pussy for your own shortcomings. Everyone who reads this and recognizes you is yukking it up behind your back, even your ‘Bros’.
Thanks for clearing that up OP. It wasn’t that you were lousy in bed, it’s that she had a stinky pussy. Whew!! What a fucking load off!
OB, I feel it is my duty to inform you that, upon reviewing responses to your post, a majority of the Bitcherati rank and file have voted you off the island. Please try to have a little more dignity in your future dealings with people. Same goes for your hookup partner.
What a post to come back to! Makes me so very happy to have such a nice boy in my life. It’s too bad neither of you wanted to speak up during it all, maybe this whole ordeal could’ve been avoided. Is it that you were trying to be polite to the lady? You didn’t want to mention her scent so you thought the polite thing to do was to slobber on her genitals? What a world. I’m going to bed and never leaving.