Would you like to buy some marijuana?

I sell pot. Not a ton of it, but enough to keep a lot of people happy: about four pounds every three weeks. You want to buy some? I’ll sell three grams for $25, or five grams for $40. Just let me know.

Like every good Canadian kid, I started smoking pot in high school. I’d guess my friends and I would smoke maybe three to five grams each, over the weekend, and that became a lifelong habit. Now I smoke all day, every day.

A few years ago, I started growing my own vegetables, and I got to thinking, “I bet I could grow bud.” Sure enough, I could. Nowadays, I grow and sell what I deem is worthwhile. I have to smoke it first. If it doesn’t get me high, I’m not going to grow it for other people. I get my seeds from a warehouse, which is a logistical nightmare, but I know exactly what I’m getting. Right now I’m growing two strands, called White Russian and Green Crack. Good stuff.

I grow completely organic. I don’t use any chemicals. No fertilizer, nothing. Most of the stuff you’ll find out there now is what’s called M-39, which means it comes to maturity in 39 days. And then to help it along, the growers feed a lot of chemicals to it. But I don’t do that. I grow naturally, and the plants take eight to 12 weeks to grow. When you smoke organic bud, that stuff is so clean, so good. You can feel it.

People really like my bud. I sell to lawyers, reporters, doctors, all sorts of regular people, too. My customers range from 25 to 40 years old. Recently, there was, well, let’s say someone in the media, talking about getting high, talking about how good it is, and it made me smile, because I knew I was the source of that bud.

My customers come to me because they can count on me. They don’t want to be out on the street, trying to score some pot. They don’t want to mess around with sketchy fucking drug dealers. Most of my customers are on a regular schedule. It’s Wednesday, so I know she needs this amount. Thursday, he’s coming for that. One guy picks up an ounce at a time, because he doesn’t want to hassle with it.

I don’t make a lot of money doing this. Basically, it pays for my own bud. It’s mostly a public service. I still live paycheque to paycheque, like everyone else.

Do you have a problem with this? Do you drink alcohol? It’s the same thing. It’s just like brewing beer or making wine. I enjoy doing it, and I enjoy using it.

I’d like to see bud legalized, just like tobacco. Regulate it so that each package says right on it, “This has these chemicals, there’s this much of this, and that much of that.” Really, the stuff that’s out there now is so bad, so full of chemicals. If people knew what they were smoking, they probably wouldn’t smoke it. It’s bad for your kidneys, bad for your liver, bad for your what have you.

If you could just smoke the pure plant, with none of the chemicals added, you’d be surprised. It’s an amazing plant—you smoke it, and you can feel it running pure through your veins. That’s the stuff I sell. People keep coming back to buy it. What more can I say?

I’m not not too worried about getting busted. There was something in the news awhile back that involved someone I sold to, but it never came back to me. But even then, it’s just weed. I’ll take the charge. It’s provincial laws, not federal laws, so what could I get, two years?

And you know, we’ll need to test these laws. If you can brew beer for your hobby and your personal use, why can’t I grow bud for my hobby and my personal use?

I’m doing something worthwhile for society. I’m not hurting anyone, and I’m making sure people are getting quality bud. I make people happy. That’s a good thing. 

Mr. X lives in the Halifax area. He’s doesn’t care what you think about him, but he’d be happy to smoke a joint with you.

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This article appears in Mar 28 – Apr 3, 2013.