The Rehtaeh Parsons story has brought out a lot of attention on bullying, but not enough on what I think is the core issue: misogyny. The misogyny comes before the bullying, and the bullying doesn’t happen at all without the underlying misogyny.
While the guilt or innocence of Rehtaeh’s alleged rapists is a matter for the courts to decide, there’s no question that the entire sad story is wrapped in a context of degrading girls and sexual relations as a power relationship, rather than of mutual pleasure between equals. In fact, there’s no other possible explanation for the distribution of the photo of the event, as well. And while the alleged rapists’ friends and family have an understandable, and not necessarily bad, bias in favour of the boys, they expressed that bias by relying on that old standby, slut-shaming. “She wanted the d,” explained one Facebook post.
I don’t pretend to have a deep philosophical understanding of misogyny. If you’re interested, read some second-wave feminists, who spoke directly to the issue in ways that are currently out of fashion, considered bad form. But I don’t need to be a philosopher to know what I see, and that’s misogyny at every turn. Our culture reeks of it.
Women have talked about these issues forever, but men still don’t get it. And the amount of casual, off-hand misogyny is simply stunning. We might expect this from teenage kids who haven’t the experience to get a little wiser about these things, but what are we to think about adult male journalists, college grads mostly, people who work in a profession that regularly discusses and explores issues of misogyny?
As Rehtaeh’s story unfolded, I watched as a series of self-styled wise men, older male journalists, stroked their chins and expressed reservations, caution, “let the system work” commentary, even though the system had obviously failed.
Stephen Kimber worried about a rush to judgement against the accused boys, but penned not a word about the casual sexism demonstrated in Rehtaeh’s story.
Parker Dunham patiently lectured us that our legal system has a presumption that the accused is innocent until proven guilty, but he too overlooked the blatant sexism that drenched every other aspect of this story beyond the guilt or innocence of the accused boys.
Andrew Douglas, at the Frank Magazine blog, was “guessing” that there “wasn’t enough evidence” to charge the boys, but he seems pretty certain that the real guilty person here was Rehtaeh’s mother, Leah Parsons, who didn’t stop Rehtaeh from tweeting about drugs at 3am: “My mother wouldn’t have given me the chance to kill myself,” wrote Douglas. “She would’ve done it for me.”
Now, caution and careful consideration are required, but I got the sense that these wise men will never agree to calling the sexual encounter “rape” until they themselves see the photo in question, and use their profound powers of discernment to give thumbs up or thumbs down to the rape allegation. The contextual issues of a culture of misogyny don’t seem to matter to these men. It’s all about “was this rape or not?”
Females in the media brought a much more nuanced view to the story. Marilla Stephenson, with whom I rarely agree about political issues, concentrated on the slut-shaming of Rehtaeh, even after her death.
Lezlie Lowe discussed how women’s allegations of rape are often ignored or not believed by the police.
Hilary Beaumont interviewed people who argued that Rehtaeh’s story underscored the need for broad societal change.
Halifax is in the centre of global attention because of a story couched in misogyny, and yet men in the media continue to reflexively fall back on cruel and crass misogyny. Consider, for example, this throw-away tweet from Frank Magazine presumably written by the same Andrew Douglas who blames Leah Parsons for Rehtaeh’s death:
That a Canadian journalist will just casually use the word “whore” to describe a woman, and that there wasn’t an out-falling of criticism for it, shows just how little we have progressed.
But it gets worse.
Wednesday, I woke up at 3:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep, so got up and read the Chronicle-Herald on line, finding a piece by crime reporter Dan Arsenault. Headlined “Missing woman battled addiction,” the article detailed Reita Jordan’s problems with drugs and multiple arrests for prostitution.
Jordan has been missing since March 19, and of course the big fear is that she is the victim of foul play.
I tweeted my first reaction to Arsenault’s article:
But I had just woken up, and wanted to think about it some more. I started a pot of coffee, sat down and thought about it some more. Two hours later I summarized my thoughts with this tweet:
Arsenault is a great reporter. He’s done good work, and has a knack at getting information that others can’t find. And I certainly understand the joy—there’s no better word—at discovering new information that advances a story. But in this case, how exactly does the new information advance the story? Tuesday, we knew that a woman was missing. Wednesday, we knew that that woman was, in Frank Magazine’s word, a whore.
Of course the fact of Jordan’s addiction and history as a sex worker could very well be part of a well-crafted article that put those facts in context of a life struggle, or dealing with loss, or whatever Jordan’s story may be. That’s the point: we don’t know what Jordan’s story is, and Arsenault doesn’t bring us one iota closer to understanding that story.
All the article does is leave the reader with the vague notion that “oh, a drug-addicted prostitute is missing, it’s not like it’s a respectable person. I don’t need to worry about it.” Arsenault doesn’t even explore the small idea that sex workers are more likely to be victims of violence, which might at least give some redeeming value to the piece. Without that small fig-leaf, the article comes off as slut-shaming, pure and simple.
Moreover, it’s a horrible article, even besides the slut-shaming. Arsenault relies on an anonymous source, but doesn’t give us context for why the source doesn’t want to be identified. (I have rules for using anonymous sources, and this violates all three of them.) And then there’s that issue of using the past tense, implying that Jordan is dead. Let’s hope not.
The response on Twitter to Arsenault’s article was swift:
Rene Ross is the director of Stepping Stone, an organization that works with sex workers. At 1pm Wednesday, she was the first to use the “if I go missing…” phrase, which was picked up by others and resulted in hundreds of tweets with the hashtag #ifigomissing:
And on and on.
Slut-shaming-shaming is an absolutely appropriate response in this situation. Here’s hoping it does some good. Maybe one day, men in the media will realize that not only are they missing the big crime in this story, they’re contributing to it.
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Good piece.
Great Piece Tim. Misogny is everywhere and a culture shift/shock needs to occur asap.
Excellent article documenting a sincere issue for women!
That Frank Magazine quote is a classic Simpsons reference, so I really fail to find it offensive, not that I disagree with the point of the article but c’mon now.
I’ll probably die before Ms Chiu receives an apology, and I agree with Parker.
Well written!
Great aeticle
Abuse is a combination of dangerous behaviors, attitudes and beliefs passed down from generation to generation. A great summary of the problem.
Since when does Frank Magazine count as journalism?
Excellent article!..True Facts
That’s how/why Pickton got away with killing so many for so long. No one gave a hoot. Except the families, some women/Aboriginal orgs. a few MPs.
Police (the big macho boys, too often… look at how some of them treat their own colleagues) slut-shamed and shrugged. It’s not even denial. It’s blindness.
Add to that the fact that some victims were Aboriginal (and no one cares why they face those problems that turn some of them into homeless addicted sex workets). Just add a little starlight tours, and the picture is complete. Cutting the funding for Sisters in Spirit and all that neglect and scorn are part of a deliberate genocide, just a tad more discreet that the residential schools. The more women die, the more children are left alone to fend for themselves. No need to “kill the Indian”, they do it themselves.
So some humans are worth less than others. Especially women.
Do I have to say DESPICABLE?
But some men are okay. Okay men, SCREAM, please. Because when women do, no one or almost takes it seriously. Bof, another set of screaming hormones.
If they treat white middle-class girls this way, imagine the others.
Thank you for the article.
P.S.: And slut shaming starts in grade school, nowadays.
Until I read this, I’d forgotten how I’d sufficiently numbed myself to the status quo thinking that it’s the job of the oppressed to teach the oppressors (who have more than ample access to the same information we do and could easily educate themselves and each other) that it’s hard to know how to respond.
And so, thank you.
Regarding the slut-shaming and the men in the media contributing to it (but well-intentioned of course), as the old saying goes – If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it probably hates women.
Sincerely
Dina Desveaux
As a teenaged girl I read a book on psychology written by an unknown female contemporary of Freud. I say unknown because we all know the name Freud, but she was doing equally valid and societally challenging work, however, as she was a woman, no-one knows her name! It was called (before the word had even been coined!) “Feminist Psychology”…. she takes issue with Freud’s premise that women are naturally inferior because they lack, and therefore, “envy” a certain male member. Read the book and you will see why misogny is rooted in what we TEACH our young men, not how they are born. Even way back then, she could see it!!! Our society needs to redefine what sentiments it is acceptable to express. I am better than you because I possess a penis” needs to be a sentiment only suitable in the history books. The mere concept that men are taught that they can choose when to have sex but women can’t belongs to another century…
Well written! Thank you!
Well said!
Bravo!
Misogyny, sexism and sexual double standards are embedded characteristics of our society. We still struggle with sex and always will since it is “force that through the green fuse drives the flower” a stronger force than the desire to eat, be warm and rich. Sex workers are denigrated but their customers are not. The whole “drug user” label is another contradiction – 78% of Canadians drink alcohol without being stigmatized like the 40% who get their buzz from drugs,
That journalists get it wrong over and over is not surprising. Journalists are not gods, enlightened or other anything more than writers with a job. Despite the pontification of editors and star journalists like Peter Mansbridge etc. the public hold the media and journalists in the same category of trust as politicians, lawyers and used car sales people or so says PEW Research.
I agree with all that’s been said here except with what seems a leaning toward blaming just men for slut-shaming. Women judge other women just as harshly in most cases, in fact, didn’t the bullying Rehtaeh Parsons suffered come from some of her so-called friends who were females? One also has to look at mothers who are fully complicit in tea their sons to srepect n. It would appear that Bothgenders have a lot of changing to do if we are to overcome slut-shaming.
Hey, good stuff, Tim. I also like and agree with your principles for anonymous sources.
Dear Skylark Lite,
Agreed.
How society views/treats/undervalues/undermines women needs changing, and that includes women also.
When I was researching a character I saved this link: http://www.salon.com/2005/11/02/female_mis…
It’s hard not to sympathize when young women are targets of a society and a marketing strategy telling them that how they look rather than the substance of their character is what matters. Only the presence of extraordinary examples/mentors/community can budge that, and then only maybe.
But it needs to happen. Sometimes, life & society go on humdrum, numbed & disempowered, & then suddenly a great individual appears to reverse that tide (like Gandhi). Imagine how far that tide could move with a whole community committing to restoring the dignity of women.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for writing this!
so great to read this kind of insightful commentary on a pervasive issue that’s been continuously dismissed by the mansplainers of the media (and non-media) world. thanks – i needed to see this in print in order to retain any hope at all.
http://fullcomment.nationalpost.com/2013/0…
Thank you for making this positive contribution to an important discussion. Let’s keep talking.
http://blogs.windsorstar.com/2013/04/26/bl…
The YCJA , the act that is intended to protect our youth, has essentially turned on them. Your point on misogyny will not be missed in this comment.
The highest number of adult individuals in prison today never knew a life without the YCJA, or it’s predecessor so by the numbers how has the act helped those folks it was meant to protect?
My assertion is lack of consequences has groomed an entirely new to this century, a culture, where adults with criminal behavior under 31 and youth work together to make this act work for them. Organized crime.
To the author of this article, your point here is misogyny.
I agree. Absolutely.
Misogyny is an underlying current in the criminal world.
Misogyny flourishes in the criminal underworld.
In fact it’s one might call fundamental to success in that community.
Someone who is not a through and through misogynist chances of success are slim to none.
Of course we have to adjust our vision prescription as to how we see success.
I’m sure most people reading this article and comments are not criminals. What we see success as, to see what it looks like in a world where criminal behavior is normal, we need to make that adjustment to understand more clearly, why misogyny rules the roost. As does psychopathy.
A clearer example of what I am prattling on about here is “The Crack Dealer”.
A successful crack dealer has to be affected by some degree of psychopathy or they simply could not make money doing what they do.
Destroying people for a living. How could one sleep at night if you weren’t at least one part psychopath.
These “parties” , after months of drugs and alcohol it’s the crack that is generally the next and final step to having the final product. A prostitute. Misogyny isn’t an option
Young people being groomed for such tasks would have to a misogynist with psychopathic traits to be a success in the world they are growing up in. Crack dealer .. pimp.
Even if it is girls or women that are on the front lines doing the slut shaming, it is probably out of fear that they themselves will be the next victims.
In fact of that I have no doubt.
However what the politicians and the media have missed, probably on purpose is the breeding ground for this criminal behavior called the YCJA.
Adults know this yeah? By the wording of the sign ” Hear the boys side” I can presume it was an adult that made the post? Never safe to presume but safe isn’t my name.
The ones we , society at large, have to worry about, if we’re interested in curbing this behavior in our kids are adults who have themselves grown up under this act, they are in their early 30’s and are in fact quite literally, training their kids how to use the YCJA to beat the law.
In my mind we need to tell our politicians “it’s ok we double down on services attached to that act to reprogram kids from the criminal life they either fell into or were born into.”
If that’s not in the cards and we need another solution than maybe we need to tell our politicians ….
“it’s safe to say we need to make some serious changes to the YCJA if not scrap it altogether. How about let’s create maybe a FTOA. First time offender act.”
Stats Can readily admits that Youth Crime has leveled out since the mid 90’s as charges simply cannot be laid. The reason for that is clearly outlined in the first two to four pages of the act. An Officer who thinks they have a case, well, the act spells it out.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and the YCJA is just that. Almost two decades of good intentions.
Which by now makes it systemic issue that have left our society prone, and that includes the young ones the act was intended to protect, by making them vulnerable to their peers or acquaints, or friends. The ones who are abusing the act with or without their parents participation.
And as well for the victimized kids who were born into this. The troubled ones who need help. The act has failed them as well. What are we really doing for them? That’s not a rhetorical question. The answer is , not enough.
We have a whole whack of kids who’s criminal behavior is protected by the law, not the police, the go to fall guy, but the actual law they are sworn to uphold.
It’s a piece of work worth reading.
No matter what we choose to make illegal, and no matter how stiff the penalties, no matter how we educate ourselves, the us and them culture is loud and proud in this city and we need to take the handcuffs of the police and let them get to work.
Those individuals who are protected by the YCJA are just that. Protected. What sane politician wants to open that Pandoras Box of political backlash.
Politically much easier to treat the event than deal with the catalyst.
Even to the most casual follower of these events anyone calling to look into the flaws in this act that enable this behaviour, you’ll be crucified.
No matter how liberal ones mind is on it. The motivation behind the intentions to making changes, people will see one thing. Someone who wants to get tough on crime.
I want to see crime get dealt with properly, effectively, so we are not breeding criminals. I want to see kids caught up in trouble, born into trouble, when they are in a position where the law has managed to intervene, I want everyone to win.
I don’t see how protecting young people from justice helps them. For me this has nothing to do with being tougher.
Such a well written and insightful piece – I hope it makes its way into The Coast so as to reach a larger audience – you have a wonderful gift and I am so glad you have taken this tragic story and put it in its proper perspective.
The Internet has made the culture of misgyny all the more apparent. Most women with an Internet connection realize this at some point. Then when the harassment gets so bad you reach out for help people don’t believe you or give you “advice” that is sexist in nature, this includes law enforcement and mental health professionals. I have experienced this first hand.
Although I agree with your point, Frank Magazine is nothing but a tabloid. I wouldn’t consider anything it publishes to be of any worth to any conversation, positive or negative. And I don’t even want to get started on the verbal garbage found on Twitter.
I remain horrified at the amount of slut shaming that continues to dog the Parson’s story. If that terms makes anyone uncomfortable, then that person needs to take a hard look at their own bias’.
If the drunk teenager had been a fellow hockey team mate of the the 4 assailants, he would have been well cared for at one extreme and ignored at the other extreme.
I would suggest both are better outcomes than the treatment metted out to Rehteah. Ask any teenage male if he considers it fair game to rape him while he’s drunk and I expect the answer is thoroughly predictable.
It saddens me to realize that mother’s still need to tell their daughters to protect their safety while sons seem to get a pass on the discussions about common sense, human decency, respect for others, the sanctity of someone else’s body and person.
Right is right and wrong is wrong. Regardless of the Criminal Code of Canada, the act perpetrated on a helpless girl by the 4 alledged (my nod to the rule of law) assailants is wrong. It is not defensible, it is not excuseable and it is not to be mediated.
I respect and understand that friends of the ‘4’ are coming to their defense. However, what they did was wrong and no amount of attempting to make the victim responsible for the assault will change that.
Misogny is a huge social evil and we can hardly label ourselves civilized until it is defeated.
Fathers, mothers….it is well past time to take your sons in hand and teach them a bit more about right and wrong. They are your children. It is your responsibility.
This article makes me fall in love a little bit.
For the first time in this whole discussion, someone finally made such insightful commentary as to make me cry with relief. I’ve not always agreed with you, Tim, but kudos for this very necessary discourse. Thank you.
Woman are far more harsh on other woman than men. It is why percieved social status is so important among females. Slut shaming by females is an evolutionary response designed to ensure females dont steal resources from one another.
Thank you for writing this piece, and doing it well.
In response to those posting the article written by blatchford in the comments: here is the response posted by Glen Canning, her father: http://o.canada.com/2013/04/26/glen-cannin…
I do not think very much will be done with the males in this problem , cause lets face it the females are always the ones that come out dirty !While the males slap each other on the back and high fives every male for doing a great Job!!!!Well people that is so wrong in so many ways., What was done or what was not done at this so called party is not the real point,the real point is that this beautiful girl was bullyed and there is no need what so ever in anyone being bullyed,These boys should be put on trial and sentence as a rape crime and nothing less., I do Hope There are tougher laws for bullys but I am not holding my breath!As Harper has always stayed away from a serious issue!But something has to be done and done now!!!!!!
Misogny- please Most young girls are not taught to love themselves for their talents / skills. Everywhere they turn all they see is Sex, sex sex and quite frankly girls behaving badly. My teen-age daughters have grown up, as has Rehteah Parson, in the era of Snooki and JWow. The value is on being sexy, pretty, wild and fun! They show no respect for others, never mind to themselves. How about smart, focused, kind, respectful and modest! Women who preach they should be able to do or behave however they please are doing no favors to our young women of today. We should be teaching our daughters to be kind, hard working, smart- to rely on their hearts and minds for their successes, not the T & A! Misogny will always exist, but some women make slut shaming just to easy!
I think so much of this case is based on the male gaze (in women/men, gender is stupid!). I also believe there are so many problems with the Parson’s case, and so many people involved that did this girl wrong. To me, there is no one “bad guy” here. There are many. Which is why I hope and wish that Rehtaeh Parsons will continue to be a symbol of hope with regard to her life for discussion and understanding of the root of the problems we are consistently faced with. We cannot look at this through a pin hole, or a male centered void. Feminism is not black and white, there is a lot of grey area and grey area can lead to solutions and understanding. It’s a paradox, because to me the male gaze feeds into society, pop culture, advertising, everything and it is a vicious cycle which is all about power and patriarchy. The root of all evil and Rheta really at the beginning. It’s Welcome To The Dollhouse, over and over again.
As a meme I recently saw stated:
“Don’t litter” – “…”
“Don’t tap on the glass” – “…”
“Don’t rape” “OMG MISANDRY STOP ACTING LIKE ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS WHAT ABOUT MEN WOMEN MAKE FALSE RAPE CLAIMS I HATE FEMINISTS”
Teaching boys and men not to rape, and how to understand rape and what constitutes it, should not be harder than teaching them not to, say, litter, and how to understand what constitutes littering. It is beyond me that it is virtually only women who are expected to be sexual-assault-literate. What other crime puts such utter onus on the victim?
Fabulous article, thank you so much!
In regards to the Frank Magazine “Gun set on ‘whore'” joke – it’s not even theirs. That’s a Simpsons reference from the episode where Homer seeks to emulate Thomas Edison’s inventing skills.
So in addition to being sexist dinosaurs, they’re also ripping off classic TV.
They’ve edited the piece on the missing woman to include an Editor’s Note at the top, attempting to explain and dismiss the public’s outcry over the article’s blatant slutshaming.
I find it ironic how the media will jump to deciding the guilt of the accused in EVERY criminal case EXCEPT rape. The media is always breaking the rule of innocent until proven guilty, until it comes to a young girl’s sexual assault. THAT’S when they say “Oh innocent maybe they didn’t do it blah blah blah I’m a sexist *ssh*le blah blah blah”. They need to stop with hypocrisy. If they want to make judgments about the accused, go for it. Just don’t change your reporting style the next time a sexual assault case is brought to the media.
Great piece
An article with clarity and insight.
It is really great to finally read an intelligent, articulate article about the horrifying situation that happened to this poor girl. It sends shivers down by spine and terrifies me the way that even though she is the victim, she is being dragged through the mud like this. What more do people want? Its disgusting that so many have lost their humanity, and have become so desensitized that they would actually take the stance of “she asked for it”. Did we all of a sudden lose 50 years on women’s rights? This is completely unacceptable
The underlying theme to all of this is that our society’s institutions – schools, courts, legislatures, media – are still uncomfortable and incapable of talking about and dealing with sex and sexuality proactively where everyone is concerned but obviously impacts women more: it is still a dirty little secret they react to. It doesn’t mean some of the reactions are wrong: i also agreed with what Stephen Kimber wrote. All media ( films, magazines, daily news) handle sex and sexuality topics repeatedly – but not nearly as eloquent or insightful as you have here Tim. Which makes me want to believe that through social media things can change after all these years since the dawn of time!
Was birth control to stop pregnancy really being pro-active for women? The answer might explain why our public health system fails to adequately support pregnancy-start initiatives for infertility, a gender “equal opportunity” condition? (Why does IVF have to be private and expensive when condoms and pills to prevent so readily available?) Why is it taboo to have more sex ed in the schools where we teach boys not to rape instead of telling the girls how not get pregnant or raped. Or, how about a discussion in our legislatures/parliaments about legalizing prostitution whose place in our society is even a cliche (“oldest profession”). Regardless of strong opinions for or against, it was only 40 years ago abortion in the US was only legalized in the courts by “accident” and in Canada to react to someone performing them. But now I’m not sure the origins of criminalizing rape… I did find out recently by happenstance that in 31 states, convicted rapists can petition for custody/ parental rights of any resulting children. People can gasp over the implications/fairness of that where the mother is concerned but I also gasp my surprise that any of these men would actually want the responsibility of a child so strongly when they can’t take responsibility for themselves or the health and wellness of their targets let alone understand the word “no!”
Huge topic for my Sunday morning coffee. Woke me up! Keep talking! (Writing…)
I wish people would stop blaming the parents. I was a teenage girl once I had everything the choices I made were mine and mine alone. Don’t get me wrong yes we need to be involved with our children I have 3 kids what I teach them today they may not use tomorrow, as parents we need to trust we have taught them well but sometimes the influence of peer pressure is louder than what’s right from wrong.
I read a book in the 1980s which stayed on the bookstore shelves for maybe a couple of weeks, it was titled Why Men Are The Way They Are, written by a clinical psychologist. It was an interesting read. No one was interested in reading it though, it seemed to me, or some people actively tried to have it pulled from the shelves.
What happened to Rehtaeh Parsons was wrong; I am worried that we haven’t heard of any progress in the past few weeks. The recent news about the three women just found in Ohio highlights that there is a major problem — some men clearly have a major problem that needs to be fixed.
Please remember that not all people are honest, frank, trustworthy people. A small percentage have no conscience at all and they mar people for life; others believe the world exists as a backdrop for their own life story; some are paranoid, afraid of everything and everyone. IMHO none of these can be “cured”. And the older I become, the more I believe that more than half the population is just plain deluded (they cling to beliefs that are false, regardless of reality) or insist on being irresponsible. Good people like to assume that everyone else is like them; but it just isn’t the case.
Both sexes include the above, but perhaps in different proportions and they behave differently.
Good, thoughtful article, thank you.