[Image-1]
It snuck up on me this year. Normally I get warnings before it begins, but it was over a week into it before it struck me.
It was during Remembrance Day; a solemn, dignified day that was ruined once I scanned the crowd at Grand Parade. A lot of the male-identified patrons of the crowd had scraggly, pitiful excuses for facial hair isolated to their upper lip.
A sneer formed across my face. “MOVEMBER,” I cursed to myself. Each garbage heap of hair I’ve looked upon since that day has been more enraging than the last.
Aside from being the worst portmanteau ever developed by modern linguistics, Movember is the idea that by collecting money to literally do absolutely nothing it will cure prostate cancer.
It begins the same way each year. Some MovemBro corners you in the office or at a Halloween party. “Yo bro! My ‘stache, bro! Gonna grow a ‘stache for Movember, bro. Gonna sponsor my ‘stache bro?”
Or else what?
“Uhh, well, if I don’t do Movember I guess I’ll either shave everything or nothing.”
Guess what, I’m sold on that last one. You’re not getting a dime out of me. I consider it me earning money to teach you a lesson on facial aesthetics.
Look, I get the attachment to your prostate. This gem has played an important role in human history. Ancient cultures believed the seat of compassion lied not in the heart but in the rectum, I think. I’ve had a prostate my entire life and would be devastated if something were to happen to that lovely gland. It has made sure the right fluids have come out at the right time, and I give it a warm home.
But I don’t want to look at YOUR face and think of YOUR prostate. That’s all I’m doing now. My brain is being assaulted by prostates—the strange prostates of strange men. I walk down the street and I pass someone who looks like an ‘80s pederast and all I can think about is their throbbing ass gland. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW.
My mom is a breast cancer survivor. I’m so glad to still have her. She’s lived long enough that she’s going to soon retire and will be able to spend her golden years not only happy but alive. You know what she does to raise funds to cure breast cancer? She runs in a fucking race.
You want to raise money for prostate cancer? Do something better than normalizing the second-most perverted form of facial hair. Could you imagine a “flavour saver” month for mouth cancer? Since you’re too lazy to run, why not meet half-way and have some sort of group “grease ‘em and test ’em?”
“Sponsor me to raise funds for prostate cancer research.”
What will you be doing?
“I’ll be getting a prostate exam live on stage with about a dozen other people.”
SOLD. Here’s $100. It’s a win-win-win situation: you get people looking at your face (which you clearly want), precious prostates the world over are saved, and, most importantly, no moustrashes.
I’m glad this month is almost over: Decembeard begins next week. Decembeard is a time you let your face grow a luxurious, sensual pillow of fur worthy of an Olympian deity, not out of a desire to show people you’re generous under certain specific conditions but because it is god-damned cold out.
JAMES SHAKEY is a freelance writer who will let you touch his beard for $5 (offer expires December 5 2014).
This article appears in Nov 27 – Dec 3, 2014.
Glad that you caught us in time for Decembeard Canada. Proceeds go to benefit colorectal cancer awareness, education and support for patients. We also want to see women in beards! 😉 http://www.decembeardcanada.com
So you hate people with prostate cancer? I thought I was a cunt!
I knew it had run its course when I saw Campbells using it to sell soup.
This is a disgusting article that should never have been published. Let me begin…
“Remembrance Day; a solemn, dignified day that was ruined once I scanned the crowd at Grand Parade. A lot of the male-identified patrons of the crowd had scraggly, pitiful excuses for facial hair isolated to their upper lip” – This is your negative opinion of what people look like, basically a step down from racism, ‘You look a certain way that I don’t like, therefore I can devalue you as a person!’. These people were at a remembrance day ceremony and all you can remember is how they cut their hair – disrespectful and disgraceful.
“Aside from being the worst portmanteau ever developed by modern linguistics, Movember is the idea that by collecting money to literally do absolutely nothing it will cure prostate cancer” – You’re basically just broadcasting your ignorance here. I work with, and have have worked with others in the past, who’ve raised thousands of dollars to donate to prostate cancer research and treatment. The fact that you can do this with the just hair on your face, instead of buying into the money grab that is pink rubber bracelets, is brilliant.
“It begins the same way each year…” – Are you bashing all men with this paragraph, or just the participants in Movember?
“Look, I get the attachment to your prostate…” – Obviously not, as you’re being incredibly patronizing. The issue doesn’t boil down to one organ or another, it’s about the health and well being of anyone and everyone that is effected by illness.
“But I don’t want to look at YOUR face and think of YOUR prostate…” – And maybe I don’t want to look at your pink bracelet/bus/ribbon/millions of billboards and think of a mastectomy.
“My mom is a breast cancer survivor….. You know what she does to raise funds to cure breast cancer? She runs in a fucking race.” – I can’t believe you would try to compare the Breast Cancer Society to almost any other similar group that raises money for illnesses. The breast cancer society is notorious for spending the majority of its money on advertising and marketing for itself. The majority of their money is certainly not being spent on research and treatment but rather marathons, pink bracelets, and perpetuating the money grab.
The fact that your own mother was a survivor of breast cancer tells a lot about your motivations. Had your father been a prostate cancer survivor this article may never have been written.
“…all I can think about is their throbbing ass gland. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW” – This is your own little crazy problem, I’m sure the rest of the world isn’t as… troubled.
Now, how about you advocate for a good cause instead of rallying against a cause that you are completely ignorant of.
Fuck you,
The Captain
This is literally the funniest thing I’ve ever read in the Coast. Don’t let the hater comments get to you – this is comedic gold.
I am fully behind the Captain’s response, due to the lack of a ‘this article is satire’ label by the author.
I wonder how funny he will think it was when he gets prostate cancer and loses his boners…
My Dad had prostate cancer. I’m not sure if he lost his bonerability or not. I’ll ask. Despite this, though, I have not taken part in Movember. And I don’t give at the office, either.
This post sucks and this guy sucks