Most people keep their kinks, fetishes, and fantasies private. Understandably! It’s socially taboo to be loud and proud about one’s sexual appetite. If I fantasized about finding the perfect coconut cream pie I might visit different restaurants, write reviews or write a blog. I’d enlist the support of my peers asking if they’d ever had a good coconut cream pie and sample their suggestions. My fantasies are a little spicier than coconut cream pie, though.
When it comes to sex, we go mum. We whisper in the dark to our partner(s) and watch our favourite porn, typically alone. We don’t talk about our fantasies in regards to sex in the same way we do with our hobbies. Sex just happens to be one of my favourite pastimes and I’m not going to hold back anymore. It’s time to make fantasy a reality.
I’ve been a long time fan of gang-bang porn. All of that attention on one sex-crazed fiend has been quite enviable. One woman in charge of that much sexual energy is explosive. And make no mistake, the woman at the centre of it all is in charge. She dictates the terms, the rules, the boundaries enforced. This is her show. The control she surrenders is prescribed exactly how she wants.
I have a fantasy, but what do I do with that? I make a personal ad on the social media site for kinksters, Fetlife. I advertise what I’m looking for, outline some of my boundaries and start taking “applications.” Really, these applications are just interested parties sending me a private message. We chat a bit and I try to get a feel for what kind of energy they might bring to the room. I want an easy-going, friendly, party atmosphere. I’m not a porn star, just a chubby bunny with a fantasy. So that means 100-percent condom use will be enforced. Barrier sex is the only way to ensure my safety with regards to pregnancy and STIs. Having a familiar face or two also helps ensure my physical safety.
The hardest part of planning a gang-bang is curating a playlist. Maybe not. Perhaps it’s the anal training. You’ve got to have that butthole ready if you plan on using it. A ripped anus would kind of put a damper on the evening. No, I was right the first time. It’s definitely selecting a playlist. Can one have too much Portishead?
I’ll tell you what isn’t difficult about planning a gang-bang—the shame. Shame is not going to be a factor in this. There are a lot of reasons to keep one’s kinks private. There are some really good reasons to live out and loud, too.
I’m not ashamed of having a goal, making a plan and achieving a dream. Frankly, I might even be a little bit proud of myself. If I had dreams of white, sandy beaches I’d save up, buy some travel insurance and hop on a plane headed south. You’d be able to see pictures of my adventures on all my social media.
This vacation that I’m planning to dick mountain is far more exciting to me than laying on a beach for a week. My dream might be a little more primal than most, but just because it isn’t the norm doesn’t mean I should be ashamed or operate in the shadows. Maybe if we were all a little more open about our sexual proclivities we would have an easier time having our curiosities and desires satisfied. Wouldn’t that be nice?
â¨Opinionated is a rotating column by Halifax writers featured regularly in The Coast. The views published are those of the author.
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This article appears in Sep 20-26, 2018.
“Also, you should have mentioned the measures you plan to take to ensure your safety.”
I mean, listing your actual twitter and fetlife handles seems like a poor start.
“Maybe if we were all a little more open about our sexual proclivities we would have an easier time having our curiosities and desires satisfied. Wouldnt that be nice?”
It would be nice. I’m an open book with my sexual proclivities and I still have great difficulty. Its not about being open but the degree of immaturity in the community and a commonly-held pervasive sex-negative attitude.
Well said! If only more people took this approch!
I’ve only had the pleasure of being fucked by multiple men on one weekend. I met a group of four college guys at a local ski resort. They took turns fucking me in their condo the whole weekend. I lost count after 20 of how many times they entered me. Thank heaven for horny young guys! I also got accustomed to doing ass to mouth that weekend.
Early in your column (3rd paragraph) you state unequivocally that women have the power in these situations. I feel that CAN be true, but is not always, and more importantly, the power balance can change, as it can in any sexual encounter.
I think it is irresponsible to state this opinion as if it’s fact especially so early in your piece. You also assume that shame is the reason a person who fantasizes about this chooses to not have it realized. I believe another reason people (often women) will not actively seek out this fantasy is out of fear of losing that perceived and precious control – whether it be physically or mentally, making it change from pleasurable to rape. Furthermore, speaking as a woman, we know all too well the general attitude about women and sexual assault “claims”. It is assumed that a rape only occurs in a situation where sex was not previously given consent to. Yes, i know, we all know that’s not how it’s supposed to be according to the lesson-teaching teen dramas on tv, but here in the real world, it still happens, often.
Imagine for a moment going to the police station to report a “gang-bang-gone-wrong”.
“And how do you know these men?”
“By soliciting them online.”
“How did they come to the expectation that sex would occur?”
“I told them it would.”
“Did the person you invited for the sexual encounter unexpectedly bring others with him?”
“No, i solicited all of them for a planned gang-gang. Two of them were even friends, or so i thought.”
“So, you orchestrated to have sex with multiple men some of whom you met online for this purpose from a kink site, two were also your friends, and you’re claiming that this was unwanted sex.”
“No, i wanted it while i was the one in power, but when the dynamics changed, i was no longer enjoying it because i felt scared”
“What caused you fear?”
“That i was no longer in control.”
“So you wanted to have sex with multiple people at the same time but got scared when you could no longer “control” the actions of X number of people at the same time.”
“Yes. That is correct.”
What is your initial thought when reading this? Can you actually see this rape being avenged legally? But let’s forget about legally, how about emotionally. How would most people feel if a gang-bang they initiated and chose with whom it would be with to fulfill their own fantasy went wrong? To begin with there is the physical and emotional results expected following a rape by one person, then multiply that by the X number of participants. Now let’s consider the guilt and regret the victim would place on themselves, which is inevitable regardless of how “woke” they believe themselves to be regarding where the blame should be placed in a rape.Then there’s potential of betrayal feelings if friends were involved (whether the victim believed they were an assailant or a bystander). Lastly, there is the fact that this was an image they had as a fantasy which now will always taint all other fantastical thoughts with guilt.
I realize I’ve gone on a bit of a rant, but it is in the interest of not shaming people who choose to keep these fantasies just that, fantasies. i think there are many legitimate reasons (only one of which i have illustrated here) other than the assumption made in this article, shame.
PS, I’m writing this as a proud kink fan, as a previously raped woman by an acquaintance in a trust based environment, and as a sex-positive person who would never choose a screen name or tag so self degrading as “slut”.
This, to me, is a derogatory perceived term that moves kink and sex positivity backwards, not forward.