Hey you! You with the wreath on the door! You, there, with
the 30-inch faded plastic candle on the balcony!
Your intentions might once have been good, but now, instead of
spreading cheer, you’re killing us all. You’re putting the “Christ!
Enough already!” back in Christmas. Get your damn holiday decorations
down.
Is it a safety issue? Can’t scale a ladder atop four inches of wet
ice to nip off the string of lights icing your front door? Get some
salt, smash the frosty offence with a garden edger and start climbing.
Are you not able-bodied? I understand. Please ask a neighbour. Perhaps
the same neighbour who put them up for you. In December. That was 12
weeks ago, you know.
Yes, 12 weeks ago. Three months. Those holiday decals and
gewgaws went up before winter even officially started. Now? Now
winter’s almost over (god, yes, for the love of little wormy apples,
let it be over). And you? You’re still flying the red and green. Except
now the lights are half-hanging, the wreath is decaying and the paint
has flecked off your polyethylene Santa’s trousers so it looks like
he’s wagging his elf at passers-by.
Maybe you’re just lazy. Maybe you plain can’t be bothered. I can
sympathize; I’ve been there, too. But in my case it was a string of
white lights in my backyard maple and I played it off as an example of
my decorative flair. You can’t do that with gold-bedecked faux greenery
stapled to the front porch. Too lazy? Perhaps Santa will be too lazy to
fill your stocking next Christmas, too.
Or maybe it’s not your fault. Maybe the extension cord to your
gently lowing wire-and-lights reindeer is frozen under a snowbank. And
you’re mortified. Duly noted. But people are still judging you, so
start boiling the kettle. (And you people with ratty old Christmas
trees frozen upright in the snowbanks outside your houses? You’re on
the shit list, too.)
The rest of you? I know what you’re thinking, those of you who are
enjoying—still—looking at the primary-colour ornaments you hung on
the woody stalks of your forsythia the first weekend in December, those
of you pausing at the pleasure of the net lights which you smothered
your rhododendron with—saints alive, November. You’re
thinking: Lighten up, lady. What’s the big deal?
Big deal? Back to the safety issue.
And believe me, it is a safety issue. Because winter’s
psychological end is only getting delayed by your supposedly festive
reminders. They are not cheerful. They are not jolly. Not quirky. Not a
sign of how much you love the season. Not a sign of how seriously you
take your rejoicing in the birth of our lord Jesus Christ. It’s nearly
Easter, for Zebedee’s sake. And, honestly, it feels like you’ve had
those decorations up for 33 years. Oh, it’s a safety issue, alright.
Because the rest of us are gonna friggin’ blow.
Some, in fact, already have.
Jeff Rogers, who’s the Halifax cop lucky enough to have to answer
questions about this kind of stuff, (by title, he’s regional
co-ordinator of by-law enforcement) says his department gets a few
calls a year—“If I had to guess, it would be 10 or 12 Christmas ones
over the last few years, probably.”
And most of the squawking, he says, is about neighbours slow on the
uptake when it comes to undecking the halls (lawns, roofs, front steps,
back porch, driveway, etc., etc.). “Hmmm…how do I word this? Most of
them are people who think that they are still out and they shouldn’t
be. The odd one is that they are left out and they are strewn about the
neighbourhood. Which is a little bit more legitimate.”
What now?
Is Rogers saying that it’s not a good use of taxpayer bucks
to go hunting after people who are aiming for a literal Christmas in
July?
“Well,” he says, “it really doesn’t fit the [Dangerous and
Unsightly] legislation. We get the complaint and we definitely go and
take a look at it. But just because someone has ornaments on their
house doesn’t make it unsightly.”
Staff Sergeant Robin McNeil puts a finer point on it: “I can’t even
think of how extreme that scenario would be for us to consider it a
valid complaint. It would have to be almost the Griswolds in June, for
it to be a problem.”
Then I guess I’ll just have to wait until June to place my call.
Send your late Christmas greetings to lezliel@thecoast.ca.
This article appears in Feb 26 – Mar 4, 2009.
If you wondering why some of us leave our christmas wreath up unti Easter it has to do with our Christian traditions. Putting the wreath up represnts the birth of Christ. Taking it down represents his death/resurrection. I believe I still have a right to express my religious beliefs in this country.
I read this article, then I laughed, then I cried. Now I am leaving my decorations up til spring just to piss you off. Enjoy.
WT, when did Christmas become about Christ? Technically speaking, it’s not even on the correct date. Christmas hasn’t been about religion for a long time now, and has even been amalgamated by some Muslim families. Celebrate it on the correct date, and you’ve got an argument to keep your actual religious decorations up. Don’t keep your tree up; the Traditional Christmas Tree is a pagan symbol; adopted by missionaries that came into Germany.
Dr Fever, your logic is laughable and deliberately inflammatory, just because you don’t find meaning in someones’ traditions, doesn’t mean there isn’t any. This article made me sad, not just because it could have been reduced to a Love the way we Bitch paragraph, but because complaining about someone’s decorations because you get grumpy in the winter is petty. I guess the Christmas spirit has an expiry date. tsk.
The “Christmas spirit” has been altered and transfigured into commercialism (even the “fat Santa” is a result of a commercial), and hasn’t been about being kind to your fellow man for over a century, in fact it’s become quite the opposite; families fight, go broke, etc., all in the name of an incorrect birth date, as inflammatory as that may be. There are people out there that do not follow Christian belief and that needs to be respected as well, and instead of having Christmas being forced down their throat all days of the year. We need to respect the feelings of other religions as well, what about all of the Jews, the Muslims, and Buddhists in this city? Where is the kindness for your fellow man there?
Lezlie, I think you must travel along Shirley St. on your way to work: I hadn’t noticed any Christmas decorations left up until I walked along this street the other day. After I read your article, and found myself on Shirley St., I noticed all of the offenses you enumerated, within less than a block of each other!
do you hear any complaints about the brightly coloured prayer flags that hang year round in our Sanga city? What about the pushkas? No, it’s called tolerance. Just because Christian (associated) symbolism is common doesn’t mean they should be treated with less respect. In fact, as you mentioned before, the fact that xians borrow their symbolism from other traditions is all the more reason to let them be. It’s not for you to decide what Christmas is “all about”. Dr Fever, you have proven you know about the history of Chirstmas, and nothing about it’s real meaning. You need to revisit Miracle on 34th street, Fat Santa and all.
My point is that most people do not see past the presents and the commercial aspect. It’s all about credit card bills and giving little Timmy all he wants, it’s not about being a good person and thinking about the teachings of Christ. The orthodox Christian church (I am by birth a Russian Orthodox) celebrates Christmas on January 6th, which is the “true” day of Christ’s birth, not to mention, there isn’t any giant pile of gifts in front of a tree, you’re in fact lucky to get an exchange of a small gift, to symbolize the gifts given to Christ, and a meal. Mass is held at midnight. It’s a purely religious holiday and is taken very seriously, unlike the secular holiday that occurs on the 25th. That’s the point of Christmas, celebrating Christ’s birth. The idols associated with today’s Christmas have absolutely no connection to that. They’re all pagan symbols, including the “fat” Santa (St. Nicholas was originally pictured as a small man, almost dwarfish). Ugly-ass lights surrounding your house have nothing to do with Christmas, neither do that inflatable snowman or reindeer from Costco. If you have a nativity scene on your lawn, very good. Then have an argument, which is the point of the story. Most stuff that people put up have absolutely nothing to do with the holiday itself. It’s a waste of electricity and abhorrent to the eyes.
Don’t you realise that in 291 days it will be Christmas again…& I’ve already got the decorations up YAAAYYYYYYYY .
No last minute decorating for me this year dude .
Keep your wreaths up to Easter then, no worries, but the 12 foot nutcracker? what exactly does that represent other than lazy and bad taste?