I saw you steal the balloon off that old lady’s front porch. Your buddy kept yelling “Wrong house! Wrong house!” but was perfectly fine after you snagged that precious, partially deflated pink prize. At least the third member of your drunk little gang had the decency to look ashamed when I met his eyes. You and the other shitbag, though, have a special spot in hell waiting. I don’t care how drunk you were, you and your buddy are pieces of shit.
Oh, and if that banging I heard as I walked away turns out to have been you, and I see any damage done to the park or bus stop on my walk to work, guess what? I recognized you, and I hope seeing the cops coming to take you in for vandalism scares that shittiness out of you.
—Seriously, stealing a ballon from an old lady’s house? How fucked are you?
This article appears in May 16-22, 2019.
Chances are the old lady forgot about the balloon. I mean, come on, how much fucking attachment can you have to a goddamn balloon?! Unless, of course, it was her security balloon.
So sad. #JustSaying