What the fuck is going on here? Yeah, I’m referring to the nimrod who seems to think it is a good idea to dump literally bags and bags of bread and hamburger buns in the public parks for the birds. Thanks for ruining Victoria Park for a week, asshole. Just what a person hoping to enjoy the park on a sunny afternoon needs: A thousand aggressive and bickering seagulls and pigeons losing their minds in a voracious feeding frenzy over the 10 bags of hamburger buns you’ve piled up.

Seriously, it is one thing to toss the pigeons a few bits of your hot dog bun, but you have taken it way to far. In case any reader is unclear, this fucking moron brings boxes of old bread and buns and piles them up in the park. On Monday, there must have been 10-20 full bags of buns, ripped open and piled up in the park. You can imagine the chaos that ensues when a harbour full of seagulls get wind.

And yeah, I SAW YOU a few months ago on my way to work in the early AM. You pulled up in your car, opened the trunk, and proceeded to frantically heave an entire box of bread and buns over the fence into the Public Gardens by the duck pond. I was too shocked to even say anything! And very quickly you rushed back into your car and pealed off as if you KNEW and UNDERSTOOD you were doing something stupid and wrong, but you did it anyways.

What a fucking idiot this guy is! Way to ruin a park, asshole. The gulls, ducks, and pigeons don’t need to eat 50 pounds of bread. What are you thinking? —Prefers NOT to Face a Hitchcockian Bird-Gauntlet Walking to Work

This article appears in Apr 12-18, 2012.

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17 Comments

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  3. At first I thought this was going to be a rousing tale about how a duck tried to kill someone. Way to dash my dreams, OP. 🙁

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  6. You are not suppose to feed waterfowl at Public Gardens. Did you at least get a license plate #?
    Too shocked or too scared to say anything. Usually I’ll point out people’s stupidity. But all I get in return is “What the fuck’s wrong with you, buddy” look.

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  9. but you gotta admit o.p., makes for an entertaining trip. watching them fight like fuck over stale and even moudy bread and shit. those fucking gulls are a bitch in themselves. i had one grab my leg on day, while i was emptying the garbage cans on the wharf behind purdy’s tower 2.cocksucker got a good kick in the head, and even had the nerve to try it’s shit again. i grabbed it by the neck, and threw it over the rail, into the water, it finally fucking flew away.

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  11. Next person downtown that gets shat on by a bird will know who to blame.

    I’ll send you some pics Mel, I know how much you love my handsome face 😛

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  12. Three thoughts:

    1. Crazy with bird love. Like a cat owner that feeds Snookums till he’s the size of a collie.

    2. Crazy cheap. I’m pretty sure restaurants pay for green cart pickup. Birds will make your stale bread disappear for nothin’.

    3. Crazy pervo. He gets some kind of thrill when birds explode or rain shit storms down on hapless Haligonians.

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  13. There is a difference between throwing food to the ducks, and throwing trash over a fence. You described open and torn bags, so I’m assuming that the latter is the case. What kind of asshole throws trash in the public gardens? Should have got a lisence number, OB.

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  15. Birds are the main, most unpleasant inconvenient to having a shaved head. Apparently if there’s a good shine they consider it a friggin target.

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  16. He throws them bags and all? What an idiot!
    Keep the bread at home. This stuff fucks up birds like ducks in both their health and behavior.

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