Hey dudes, Winter’s over. Time to shave off those gross dirty beards. I’m sick of seeing all these curly pube faced men walkin’ around town lookin’ like a bunch of hobos. Buck up! Get a haircut and get a real job. Unless you’re a Samurai Warrior, you need to snip off that nasty man-bun too and scrub that greasy scalp with some Head n Shoulders. How dare you ask me out on a date while looking as though you just crawled out of a thicket! There’s no way I’d kiss a guy with that bushel of germs on his face. Get it together, take some pride in your appearance. Shine your shoes and change your socks or kick rocks! —You Coulda Been Comin’ Instead of Goin’
This article appears in May 24-30, 2018.
Hey human, Winter is over. Time to shave off your arrogant and shallow view of how other people should present themselves! I’m sick of seeing all these assholes walkin’ around town acting like they have any say in how other humans dress/wear their hair/wear their facial hair. Buck up! Stop worrying about other peoples appearance and get a real job (or at least a better way to pass your time than writing in to a newspaper bitching about beards)! You need to snip off that nasty sense of superiority too and scrub that greasy self-importance with the fact that when it comes to other ppl’s bodies, your opinion doesn’t mean shit. How dare you assume a bearded man that “looks as though they just crawled out of a thicket” wants to date or kiss you (I’m quite happy staying in the thicket thank you)! Get it together, take some pride in your human decency.
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What kinda hipster asks out 75 year old women?
If you are going to judge my looks, then you do not deserve my respect!