Gag a maggot burger

I decided to swing by a fast food joint today for a quick bite cuz I skipped breaky and was totes starved out. I ordered a single burger and that thing was the most funky ass piece of trash I ever bit into. Your burgers used to be alright, WTF happened? Now you are BUTTERING your buns!? Who the fuck butters their burgers? You bite into this grease-filled sponge of a patty, clusterfucked with so much mayo and cheese—it’s totally sogged down and then BAM! the distinct aftertaste of (shitloads of) PURE butter hits you. Frankly, it’s disgusting. My whole face, hands, the bun and the paper it’s wrapped in is just slick with oil—Is the buttering of the buns now really fucking necessary? For what? To achieve all-around full-grease saturation? The bun is probably more fattening than the meat itself because WOW, What a buttery flavor you get. YECCKHKK! It’s SICK is what it is. Butter does NOT belong on a burger, are you stunned? You are ruining the restaurant. I’ll bet it was the corporate fucks. You simple-minded fucks at the head office need to get your shit together and hire a new market research group or something cuz I’m ’bout to come down there and slap some tastebuds into your head! If there were any venture capitalists out there with half a fucking brain they would invest in a decent burger joint, that actually GRILLED their meat. That means on an actual GRILL, where the grease runs down the rack into the fire or a reservoir…like a barbecue or like a GRILL, duh. A grill is not a flat hot metal plate that collects all the grease into the meat like a sponge. GROW A FUCKING BRAIN NUMBSKULLS! Now wonder North Americans are such fat asses. HELLO, a small portion of ground beef, a bun and some veggies SHOULD actually be a healthy meal, ARSEHOLES! I should sue you bastards, it’s your fucking fault I’m fat. —Free Coupon

This article appears in Aug 2-8, 2012.