1) Don’t dive right in. Kiss, massage, feel, finger, tease, lick around, then say hello to the little man in the boat.
2) Keep a steady pace.
3) Don’t stop.
4) Touch me during, legs, stomach, boobs, whatever.
5) Don’t say anything stupid after.
6) Don’t make it seem like a chore.
7) Don’t try to force me to reciprocate. Maybe I’ve got other plans.
—Fed Up

This article appears in May 26 – Jun 1, 2011.

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66 Comments

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  3. But it’s only good etiquette to reciprocate!

    As well, there are those of us who prefer to reciprocate when there isn’t anything to reciprocate rather than reciprocate because there was something TO reciprocate.

    Yeah. That’s right.

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  6. Gross me out with a spork, OP – fuck, why don’t you get TurboVibe3000 at V.E. instead of making some poor male endure your very specific orders? Do you impatiently slap your thigh with a riding crop as he’s chomping?

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  12. Shouldn’t number one be “Confirm she is not having her period”? Blood hell if you skipped that step.

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  14. Is it just me or has anyone else had Monty Python’s “Sit On My Face” playing through their head suddenly after reading the OP’s post? Weird.

    “Sit on my face and tell me that you love me
    I’ll sit on your face and tell you I love you too”

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  19. Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! My linkage skills SUCK!!! I promise not to provide another link ever.

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  21. Oceanchick – find the vid you want, get it so it’s ready to play/is playing/has played, then copy & paste the url. Don’t bother trying to make a link from a list.
    Hope that helps.

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  26. To the OB – Yes Ma’am .

    (L O L @ TTFN’s brother ~:)
    To quote an ex girlfriend, “my ass is an exit shute only !”

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  27. All this at a seafood restaurant? I gotta go there… but don’t eat the tossed salad!!

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  30. Thanks to Oceanchick and Paingirl…I wanted to post the video but I can’t access YouTube at work….something about only using computers for official use only or some shit….can you imagine? pfft. Anyway, thanks for the video post. It’s exactly what I needed. 😀

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  32. psssst…paingirl…I know you can’t tell from my profile, (cuz I ain’t got one yet), but, I’m actually a dude. That’s ok though, I’ve been called much worse. 😉

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  35. Aww…tis ok, lady paingirl. Like I said, how would you have known unless I said so? I got big shoulders….ahem, that’s big MAN shoulders…I can handle it. 😉
    S’alll good!

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  37. I dunno…some of those lady klingons in the recent Star Trek movies look pretty sexy…..ya know…except for the whole forehead-that-looks-like-a-cheese-grater thing they got going on….otherwise, not too bad! lol (j/k)

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  40. where is that restaurant at? do they have a buffet too? inquiring perverts wanna know, well most anyway.

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  42. aah yes, david warner. he also played jack the ripper in “time after time”

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  44. ======don’t force me to reciprocate=====

    You sound like a real catch, OP.
    If you’re going to be so specific about your “needs”, then maybe you should shut your yaphole and listen to what the fella wants, and do that too.
    I wouldn’t say hi to your man in a boat with Sebastian’s mouth.

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  45. HAAY man maybe she has jaw issues. I did and it got suuuper painful to do that every day. My jaw would click out of place like every 2 seconds. But since I’ve had my bite plate it’s not so easy for it to click out of place and my stamina has increased ;D.

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  47. You just had to modify your technique, Mel. There is something to be said about versitility and there are many methods you could employ that would be easier on your jaw. 🙂

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  49. Yes but I’ve gotten many compliments on my current technique and couldn’t possibly change it!

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  52. AHAHAHA.

    Preferences in that area on behalf of the receiver can vary widely. What one person gets off on, another might find boring. That’s why it can be useful to expand one’s horizons.

    And don’t feel awkward. I’m pretty sure most of the straight ladies on here have gone down at one point or another! hahaha 😛

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  53. No I don’t feel awkward about that, it’s just that I’m pretty sure I’ve disclosed almost everything about me sexually and everything about my body since I’ve started commenting like a year and a half ago, haha.

    And I dunno, I’ve always done the same things and they seem to be appreciated! It’s not like it’s the same thing over and over, it’s a collection of skillz! I guess it helped that my first ever boyfriend had erectile difficulties so I had to work uber hard. *Sigh* What a horrible time!

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  54. Haha I think we’ve all disclosed highly personal things at one point or another, mel.

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  55. Hunny (Mel), I hear ya on the “skillz” thing. Every once and a while you’ll get a guy who’s fussy and you have to adapt/change the approach, but if your technique is good, the vast majority of menz will appreciate the effort! 😛

    HAY ORGASMATRON: I’VE NEVER DISCLOSED ANYTHING HIGH PERSONAL ON HERE…

    … oh wai…. NM. hahaha.

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  56. I’ll just say though, that there’s WAAAAAAAAAAAY more I could disclose that’s WAAAAAAAAAY more personal that makes what I have disclosed seem like no biggie! I may seem like an open book, but, uh…. faaaaaaar from it!

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  63. holy shit hugo… if they put those on the test, no one of us nerds would have finished…

    Math IS sexy… that’s why I’ve memorized pi to 101 decimal places.
    you never know when a hot chick is gonna ask you something like that.

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  66. You guys are are giving OP shit about reciprocating, but it does say ‘force’. I don’t see how anyone would agree with one person forcing another person to engage in a sex act.

    It says ‘other plans’, I’d be interested in that! Unless it’s like turn on the tele or go to sleep.

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