Gay is like Cats, Heroin is like Twitter

Q: I have a problem with my
happiness; he is a wonderful man who has a beauty that overwhelms me;
we have a beautiful home; I am monogamous for the first time in a
decade. But I just learned that I am the spitting image of a man in
jail for raping my boyfriend.

He says he is not in a place to dig up his emotions about the
subject and wants to hold off on sex—fine by me. I admire him and his
courage to be with me despite my appearance. I feel like there is
something I could do to help him, to help us. So I guess I am asking
for suggestions.

Asking, Not Begging

A: First suggestion: Verify
his story.

If you have a stunt double out there rotting in jail somewhere for
raping your Wonder Boyfriend, ANB, then there are police reports and
trial transcripts and a mug shot that looks just like you. Go find
’em.

I’m an asshole, of course, for casting doubt on your beautiful
boyfriend’s dramatic explanation for why his wonderfulness can’t have
sex with you right now—or ever, potentially, since he’s “not in a
place to dig up his emotions” and wants to “hold off” on sex. But cast
I must, ANB, because one of two things is going on. Either your
boyfriend is making this rape story up or he failed to share hugely
pertinent info with you before moving in. Whichever it is, ANB, your
boyfriend is at fault.

Why would he make it up? Well, it could be that he’s not attracted
to you, ANB, and manipulating you with a victim story allows him to
reap the rewards of being with you while earning him a “Get Out of
Fucking You, Free” card.

If the story checks out—if you find that mug shot—then your
boyfriend has my sympathies. But if he wasn’t ready to resume his
romantic and sexual life, ANB, he had no right to be out there dating
anyone, least of all a man who looks exactly like his rapist. When we
date, ANB, we’re telling people that we’re in a place where we’re ready
for love, romance and sex. If we’re not, we have no business dating
anyone seriously. Period. At the very least, the onus was on him to
disclose this information—his rape, your resemblance to his
rapist—before moving in, not after.

And finally: If you’re not having sex with your boyfriend, or anyone
else, and there’s no sex in your foreseeable future, ANB, that’s not
monogamy—that’s celibacy.

Q: I am a high-functioning
regular heroin user (not quite an addict), and I feel constantly
compelled to hide my drug use. I feel that there are similarities
between being a drug user and having an alternate sexual orientation in
the sense that both users and gays are constantly confronting
judgemental opposition from an ill-informed and puritanical American
public. I wonder whether you have any thoughts on this matter. Do you
believe that drug users are deserving of the same kind of empowerment
and liberation as gays, or do you view drug use as a “disease” that
needs to be “cured” the same way that the Carrie Prejeans of the world
believe gays need to be “cured?”

I realize that one significant difference between heroin use and
sexual tastes is that heroin use is illegal, but of course gay
relationships were illegal until relatively recently. Am I just
rationalizing? Or could drug use be the next civil-rights frontier?

Dude Requests Understanding Gay Sensibility

A: Uh…gee.

I don’t believe that all drug use is abuse, and I believe that
recreational drugs can be used responsibly. And I believe a person
should be able to use a drug regularly without being labelled—by
himself, by others, by court order—an “addict.” I also wish that more
people were open about their drug use—but, in the hypocritical
fashion of most Americans, only when we’re talking about drugs that I
like and have used myself, like caffeine, sugar, pot and my boyfriend’s
pheromones.

Recreational heroin? Heroin seems kind of extreme, DRUGS, as
recreational drugs go. I’ve known a few people who’ve self-medicated
with heroin and functioned well enough to get by—just—and I think
that all drugs should be legal, your drug of choice included. We need
to end the war on drugs, a failure and a waste of money and lives. And
the quickest way to end it is for successful drug users—people like
you, me, Michael Phelps and the president—to be open about our past,
present and future drug use. But I don’t think “drug user” is an
identity that’s really comparable to sexual orientation. Using drugs is
something you do, DRUGS, it’s not something you are.

Look at it this way: If you stopped doing drugs today, DRUGS, you’d
no longer be a drug user. If I stopped inhaling my boyfriend’s
pheromones—and cock—today, DRUGS, I’d still be a big homo. Because
gay is like Cats (“now and forever”), while heroin is like
Twitter (fun at first, sure, but you’ll regret it one day). See the
difference?

But, yeah, the freedom to use drugs can certainly be viewed as a
civil-rights issue: It’s about the right to control what you do with
your own body, and that argument resonates with others advanced by
gay-rights advocates and advocates of reproductive choice. But
different drugs carry different risks—risks of harm, risks of
overdose, risks of death—and, legal or not, heroin is a highly
dangerous drug. It’s a drug that’s made more dangerous by its
prohibition, sure, but it’s dangerous even when it’s pure. But I think
you have a right to use it, if you want to use it, and that you should
have access to safe, medical-grade heroin and clean needles. But I
don’t think you should use it, not when there are other, better, safer
drugs available. Like my boyfriend’s pheromones.

Q: I like that you told
PILL, the teenage girl who didn’t like the pill and whose boyfriend
“doesn’t like” condoms, to “enjoy outercourse, oral, masturbation and
sex toys—and tell your boyfriend that these aren’t consolation prizes
for teenagers, but honest-to-god sex acts that adults enjoy.” But I
wish that you had mentioned all the other kinds of birth control out
there. There’s the Depo-Provera shot, the patch, the implant, the ring
(which is very low dose and which many women prefer to the pill), IUDs
(both with and without hormones) and cervical caps that can be used
with spermicide. Also, there are many kinds of pills (from low to high
dose, mini-pills, various hormone combos, etc.), and PILL should talk
to a professional about which pills she was on and the specific things
she didn’t like about them.

I also had awful experiences with hormonal pills, and it took years
until I finally got a great doctor who took the time to explain all my
options. I now have a nonhormonal IUD; it is fantastic, and I am
grateful for my doctor’s advice. There’s a great “birth control
effectiveness chart” at Planned Parenthood’s website (plannedparenthood.org).

Been There, Done That

A: Thanks for sharing, BTDT.

Download Dan’s Savage Lovecast (his weekly podcast)
every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.

Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.

This article appears in May 28 – Jun 3, 2009.