Q: I’m going to say up front
that I know I am a complete and total asshole.
I have been with my current boyfriend for about three years and we
are living together. About a year ago, our relationship started to go
bad when I found out I was pregnant and ended up having an abortion.
Every time I look at him, all I see is this baby I didn’t have and I
feel horrible to the point where now I don’t like him to even touch me
anymore. I don’t want to hurt him. I just don’t see how I can carry on
in this relationship anymore.
Compounding all of that, an old flame from Europe is back in my
life, and I am still in love with him and I know he still loves me.
This guy was my knight in shining armour in college but he had to
return to the UK, so we couldn’t really have anything. But now the
possibility is there because our lives are at a stage where we could
move and make it work. I have no idea how to deal with any of this. The
old flame looks better and better all the time and I am doing so badly
here, but I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t see any route at this
point that won’t end with at least one person in tears. Please help!
Definitely Out Of My Depth
A: Presumably there was a
good reason why you decided against having a child with the boyfriend.
Perhaps you told yourselves that it wasn’t the right time, DOOMD, but
it seems more than likely you realized, consciously or subconsciously,
that he wasn’t the right person: He wasn’t the man with whom you wanted
to have children. Or perhaps the boyfriend was so strongly opposed to
becoming a father that you decided to have an abortion—an abortion
you instantly regretted and resent him for. Either way, DOOMD, I don’t
see how your current relationship survives.
And we haven’t even addressed the existence of the Euro. You still
have strong feelings for your college flame—clearly—and if you stay
with the boyfriend for the rest of your life to spare his feelings,
DOOMD, your resentments will metastasize.
Again, I don’t see how this relationship survives.
But none of that answers your question, does it? You’ve asked me to
identify a route out that spares everyone’s feelings. Sorry, DOOMD, but
I can’t help you. If you pass on the Euro because you can’t stand the
thought of hurting the boyfriend, you’ll be miserable. And if you stay
with the boyfriend, you’re only postponing his misery. Your resentments
will grow and spread, like so many tumors, until they ultimately kill
this relationship. If the Euro has moved on by that point, then all
three of you will wind up miserable and alone.
Q: I’ve been married for 12
years. Six months ago, I separated from my wife, and during that time I
had an affair. Ultimately, I figured out that I couldn’t make a
long-term relationship work with this “other woman,” and I am now
working to reconcile with my wife. But the sex with the affair partner
was incredible—not just because she was new, but because we were
highly compatible sexually. The sex was energetic and adventurous in
ways that it never was with my wife.
Now I’m worried that though I think my wife and I can rebuild the
other parts of our marriage, I’ll always unfavourably be comparing my
wife to this woman. (I still fantasize often about the affair partner.)
Sex for my wife and me was OK—but not great—before our separation,
but I know we both want it to be a rewarding part of our marriage. Any
thoughts? Will the memories of my affair partner fade with time? Can I
somehow use my affair experience to build a better sex life with my
wife?
Can’t Shake The Other Woman
Q: Maybe you and the wife
just aren’t as sexually compatible as you and this other woman, and
never will be. Maybe the only thing you can do, CSTOW, is focus on the
other things the wife brings to the table: the emotional, if not
sexual, satisfactions. Or…
Sometimes we feel freer sexually when we’re with people we care
about less. When we’re with someone we’re never going to see again (a
one-night stand) or someone we probably shouldn’t see again (another
woman), we’re not as concerned about scaring that person off. When
we’re with someone who has “potential”—someone with long-term
prospects—we tend to be a little more cautious. The stakes feel
higher, and that can be inhibiting. We’re less willing to take risks,
we’re less open, we’re less likely to act on our fantasies.
So it’s possible that your problem with the wife isn’t sexual
incompatibility, CSTOW, but sexual inhibition. Have you tried fucking
the wife like you fucked the other woman? Have you ever risked fucking
the wife like you’ve fucked women who you’re never going to see
again?
Q: Sixteen months is way too
soon to be discussing marriage? Really. Really? How long are we
supposed to drag out the courtship, Dan? While I agree with you that
three months is much too soon, I’d argue my own personal case: My wife
and I married almost a year to the day of our first date, and that was
26 years ago. So while your advice to Lady In A Relationship was sound,
your blanket assessment of the relationship landscape overlooks those
of us who have a brain. Jussayin’…
Mr. Right
A: Good thing I give advice
for a living, MR, and don’t do binding arbitration. People are free to
disregard my rants if they think I got it wrong and make up their own
minds. And maybe I went a little overboard: Depending on the couple, 16
months could be the right time, or a right time, to start discussing
marriage. Still, a long engagement is always a good idea, regardless of
how long you’ve been dating. If you’re positive he or she is “the one”
at three months—or eight months, or 16 months—he or she will still
be the one at three years.
Q: My fiance and I—we’re a
straight couple—are getting married in July. We’ve lived together for
four years, and as such we don’t need any more than we already have.
We’re asking friends and family to make donations to nonprofits that
are dear to us in lieu of traditional gifts. We’re both grade-school
teachers, so the bulk of our requests are related to the needs of our
students. (Shameless plug: Refugee Women’s Alliance and New Futures are
two amazing programs that specifically serve students where we live.)
We’re including Planned Parenthood on our list, and we would like to
include a nonprofit that advocates for marriage equality. Which one
would you suggest?
Soon To Be Married
A: Thanks for thinking of
us, STBM, which is more than president Obama is willing to do: I would
recommend that you put Lambda Legal (they’re lawyers, they sue) and
Freedom to Marry (they’re advocates, they woo) on your list. Unlike
most national gay organizations, Lambda Legal and Freedom to Marry do
good work and get results. Thanks and congratulations!
Email Dan at mail@savagelove.net.
This article appears in Jun 18-24, 2009.