We love Dan Savage

Q There was a letter in your column recently that must have been
painful for you to receive. I refer to the letter signed God Hates You.
I’m sure you’re no stranger to hate mail, being an openly gay
sex-advice columnist, but I hope you get fan mail too. But just in
case: I wanted you to know that your column means a lot to me, and I
love your bluntness, openness and honesty. It is comforting to see a
pragmatic, funny and, for the most part, compassionate voice in print
nowadays, especially when it comes to something that so many are as
willfully ignorant about as sex. –You Do Good Work

A A lot of people wrote in after reading GHY’s letter. Most wanted
to reassure me that god does not, in fact, hate me. And most, like YDGW
here, assumed that GHY’s letter must have hurt my feelings. I want to
thank everyone for their kind words—I mean that sincerely—but
someone telling me that god hates me is about as hurtful as someone
telling that the Blue Fairy thinks I look fat in these jeans.

As for fan mail, YDGW, I get my fair share. But I don’t typically
run fan letters because I’ve found better ways to pleasure myself. I
am, however, going to make an exception this week and run a few letters
from satisfied “Savage Love” customers. Not because I like having
sunshine blown up my ass—I prefer to have other things blown up my
ass, thanks—but because we know GHY is out there reading, and I’m
thinking letters from people who’ve found my advice useful will annoy
him way more than letters from people who wanted to let me know that
god loves me.

Q Thanks for your advice about the “death grip” and the damage males
can do when they grip themselves too tightly while masturbating. I had
that problem: At age 48, a lifetime of death grip left me incapable of
coming during regular intercourse. I have never had an orgasm with a
partner from intercourse or oral or anal sex (I’m hetero). I carefully
followed your advice and lightened my touch and started using my left
hand (I’m right-handed) to provide the lighter stimulation that you
advised. Any time I was tempted to revert to the death grip, I squeezed
my thumb and index finger together, forming a ring without contracting
it. This managed to fool my death-grip conditioning without increasing
the pressure on my penis. It took a while, but now I’m able to come
from lighter stimulation! Thank you! –Beautiful Orgasms Beat Odds

Q I started reading your column toward the end of my sophomore year
of high school, which was about a year after I started hooking up with
girls. I was immediately drawn to it because your moral code is based
on common sense. I tend to be insecure, and I tend to tell the wrong
joke at the wrong time. The one area in my life where I’m not insecure,
however, is in the bedroom, and it’s almost entirely thanks to your
column. I’ll kick myself repeatedly for saying the wrong thing to a
girl, but if I don’t perform to the best of my abilities one night, I
can let it go. I’ve learned what my boundaries are and how to push
them. I knew that not being 100 percent straight doesn’t make you bi or
gay, so there was no identity crisis when I questioned my sexuality.
Most importantly, I know how to ask and I know how to give.

Thanks, Dan. If politicians want to get serious about reducing the
amount of abortions, teenage pregnancies and divorces in this country,
they should hire you to draw up a national sex-ed curriculum.
–Grateful Straight Boy

Q Since I began reading your column over a year ago, I have realized
my sexual desires are not perverse (and if they are, certainly nothing
to be ashamed of) and began talking with my girlfriend about
experimenting with them. As such, the two of us have moved on from
anal-sex toys and are now about to embark on full-on pegging. She’s as
excited about it as I am, and we wouldn’t have gotten to such a level
of sexual satisfaction if not for the work you do. I’ll be thinking of
you while my girlfriend bangs my hot ass! –A Devoted Reader

Q Thank you for saying some kind words about “conveniently located
and economically priced sex workers” in your column. I agree that they
deserve more gratitude and respect. In my case, I am a successful,
decent-looking professional and a widower with three kids. I don’t have
any trouble getting dates. However, in my experience, dates either turn
into relationships that I don’t have time for or long conversations
that I don’t have time for about how I don’t have time for a
relationship. So once every couple months or so, I see a professional.
I don’t have to feel bad that I may not see her again, and I don’t get
accused of misleading anyone. I would like to tell your readers that
they shouldn’t feel bad if they are seeing pros. They should enjoy it
for what it is, which is a great time with a pretty girl and well worth
the money. –Prefers Sex Workers

Q I had been reading your column for years, and each time you told
someone to DTMFA—dump the motherfucker already—I wondered why the
people sending those sad letters needed your advice at all. Couldn’t
they see that they were miserable? Then one day I had an epiphany and
realized, while reading your column, that I could have authored one of
those DTMFA letters.

It’s now three years since I dumped the motherfucker. I got a
transfer within my company and started over in a new city. It was
overwhelming. But this weekend, I was lying in bed with my new
boyfriend and I was thinking about my life. It is so NICE to have
someone who isn’t horrified that I like porn, someone who listens to my
fantasies and likes to try new things. Someone who appreciates my
cooking, doesn’t pout when I beat him at video games, and tells me I’m
beautiful.

I want to thank you. I was in denial, and your column was my wake-up
call. I’m happier than I ever thought possible. –Content Lady In
Toronto

A You’re welcome, one and all. Next week, back to the screaming,
yelling, recriminations, freaks, fetishes and fuckwits.

This article appears in Aug 27 – Sep 2, 2009.