Q As a 43-year-old single gay guy, I recently had my first spanking
experience and am feeling extreme self-loathing. I was in a long-term
vanilla relationship for most of my adult life and never got to
experience anything kinky, but I’ve had an interest in it.
Long story short, I answered an online ad, went to this guy’s house
and let him paddle me. I quickly blew and quickly left. There was no
sex other than me jerking myself while getting hit.
Now I feel awful. It’s not the spanking itself, but rather the
anonymous nature of what I did. This type of hookup is not my thing, as
I am used to sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship.I
feel like I’ve let myself down, like I dropped my standards and I fear
sliding down a slippery slope into a life of anonymous, kinky
encounters. I’ve never wanted to be one of “those guys.”
I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and I feel like puking. I can’t talk to
any of my friends about this—I’m too embarrassed.
Please put my mind at ease. Please tell me if getting spanked with a
hand and paddles is risky for sexually transmitted infections. Also,
what can I do to deal with this guilt?
I swear that I’m not exaggerating here, and I feel like I really
desperately need someone to talk to about this.–Shouldn’t Want
Anonymous Thrashings
A There’s no way you contracted a sexually transmitted infection
during that spanking session, SWAT, so calm the fuck down, OK?
Now.
You lived a little, SWAT, you had a sexual adventure, you took a
very short walk on the mild side of the wild side. And you learned
something important about yourself in the process: Just having your
kink indulged isn’t enough. You need your kink indulged in the context
of a loving, committed relationship. You want to be spanked by someone
you love and who loves you. That’s just how you’re wired.
And luckily for you, there are lots of good, decent, quality guys
out there who are into spanking and interested in loving, committed
relationships.
Don’t believe me?
You’re one of those guys, SWAT. You are living proof that a guy can
be relationship material and also be into spanking. Put yourself out
there, put your kink out there and you’ll meet other guys just like
you.
Q Does asexuality actually exist? My partner’s younger brother
claims to be asexual, but I think he’s just a maladjusted little shit
and that he’s intimidated by the thought of sex. Your thoughts? –The
Sister-In-Law
A Asexuality must exist, TSIL, seeing as it has its own
website—asexuality.org—where you can read this:
“Asexual people have the same emotional needs as anyone else, and
like [those] in the sexual community we vary widely in how we fulfill
those needs. Some asexual people are happier on their own, others are
happiest with a group of close friends. Other asexual people have a
desire to form more intimate romantic relationships, and will date and
seek long-term partnerships. Asexual people are just as likely to date
sexual people as we are to date each other.”
I’ll probably be accused of asexophobia for suggesting that asexuals
who date “sexual people” are obligated to disclose their asexuality,
preferably on the first date and certainly no later than the third
date.
Asexuals may have the same emotional needs as anyone else, but most
of us sexuals—heterosexuals, homosexuals, bisexuals—expect to have
our emotional and sexual needs met in our “intimate romantic
relationships,” thanks, and we’re going to want to know if that’s not
in the cards before we get involved, not after.
Someone who is incapable of meeting a sexual’s needs has no business
dating a sexual in the first place, if you ask me. At the very least,
asexuality must be disclosed.
And I’m still trying to wrap my head around this: “Figuring out how
to flirt, to be intimate, or to be monogamous in nonsexual
relationships can be challenging…”
Um…since monogamy is understood to mean sexual exclusivity—you
don’t fuck other people—I’m not sure how you define monogamy in a
sexless relationship. Does your asexual partner promise not to not fuck
other people?
As for your brother-in-law, TSIL, I don’t see what his asexuality
and/or hang-ups have to do with you. If you’re prying into your BIL’s
sex life, I’d say he’s not the only maladjusted little shit in the
family.
Q I’m a 19-year-old bisexual female, and my current girlfriend and I
have been together about three months.
She is pressuring me to come out to my family. I still live at home
with my VERY Catholic parents, and I’m not in a good enough financial
position to move out. If I were to come out to them, I wouldn’t want to
be depending on them for a dwelling, school payments, auto insurance,
et cetera.
My girlfriend and I get along great, we are having a lot of fun
together, and I wouldn’t want to lose her. But she says that she can’t
be with me if I am ashamed of our relationship.
I just don’t know what to do. Am I being a total cunt for hiding our
relationship? Or is she? –Comfortable Living In Temporary Secrecy
A She’s the cunt, CLITS, totally. The reasons you’ve given her for
not coming out to your family right this minute—the fear of being
retaliated against financially, the fear of losing your home, the fear
of derailing your education—are not only legit, CLITS, they’re the
only legit reasons to postpone coming out to your family.
Unless your girlfriend can feed you, clothe you, house you and cover
your tuition, she shouldn’t be pressuring you to risk your future for
the sake of a three-month relationship.
Finally, CLITS, it seems to me that the last thing a young lady with
a pair of controlling assholes for parents needs is a controlling
asshole for a girlfriend. Just sayin’.
This article appears in Sep 10-16, 2009.
So we call it “asexuality” instead of IMPOTENT or FRIGID now? *insert severe eye-roll*
Kay, perhaps you should click the link he gave us and learn that being impotent has nothing to do with having no sexual attractions.
From the FAQ, “Asexual people may also be impotent, the distinction is that they are unlikely to feel particularly uncomfortable about this…”
PAS, would you say the same about a woman being “frigid”?
It said ‘may’ not are. Someone straight, gay, bi, or otherwise could also be impotent or frigid. Truth be told, I’m not sure what I think of asexuality, but its none of my business. They’re not hurting anyone.
so the term frigid doesn’t exist anymore? Is it not politically correct thanks to this new group of “special people”? Inquiring minds want to know especially when the sexually-oriented marketing people go about borrowing unrelated scientific terms related to plant reproduction (different SPECIES) to validate their widdew feewings and a needy demographic. Chances are a hard feminist thought this was a good idea for their support group, hence the *eye-roll*
Impotence is not being able to get it up- it usually has nothing to do with how turned on the guy is. Frigid has been used to describe women who are uncomfortable or unable to orgasm during sex. Neither to me, match up with asexual. Also, many words in the english language have double meanings. Actually, most do Kay.
‘Impotent’ and ‘Frigid’ are equal terms. One applies to males and the other to females. Bottom line is nobody is getting laid. Please try again and let’s leave horticulture out of it this time.
Jesus Christ, K., get over yourself. You don’t sound like you have an anti-feminist axe to grind or anything. So sorry *your* “widdle feelings” appear to be hurt by this complicated world we live in.
*I* don’t care what term you use. Use the pseudo- or at-best-questionably-scientific term ‘frigid’ all you like, go with the cultural flow of forcing sexual minorities to reduce themselves to pathologies or “information” that you’re not entitled to, be an asshole and refuse to consider anyone’s identifications (while no doubt, holding strongly to your own, which we could just as easily dismantle). Just be prepared for the verbal bitch-slap when you meet a person who considers themselves to be asexual (or who is a friend of such a person) and knows what they’re talking about from experience.
I would love to be asexual! Imagine how much better life would be, especially if you’re a guy, if you don’t have to worry about wanting and chasing tail all the time? You could focus on other more important and more productive things. You could still have close and loving relationships, you just wouldn’t want to sleep with the other person. It usually just complicates things anyway.
For now, I’ll just have to put up with being horny.
love the response for bi-sexual article! Right on!
Dan,
I just wanted to let you know that your “It Gets Better Project” was one of the very few reasons that I am alive today– now imagine how heartbreaking it is to find out that you’re such an acephobe.
Just think about that for awhile.
See you on the other side,
Suicidal Asexual
In reply to: “I’m confused as to define monogamy in a non-sexual relationship”
I am in a monogamous romantic asexual relationship, my partner and I are both asexual.
There are LOTS of things someone wouldn’t want their romantic partner doing with another person, it’s not just about sex. We don’t kiss other people, don’t sleep naked with other people (or sleep in the same bed with anyone else at all, regardless of clothed or naked status) don’t go for hand-in-hand walks with other people, don’t share our deepest fears and darkest secrets with others, don’t neglect each other’s emotional needs in favor of spending nights out on the town repeatedly etc etc. It’s common knowledge that emotional affairs can be just as painful as sexual ones, so yeah, sexual people can cheat and break their lovers heart without even having sex, under some circumstances. It’s the same for romantic asexuals. There is a lot more to cheating than just sex.
And for the record, we both have very healthy hormone levels (meaning our hormones cause us both to become aroused regularly, for me about twice a day – asexual people are being repeatedly told to get our hormones checked because we must be sick; been there, done that, perfectly healthy.) we both masturbate, both have had sex in previous relationships (before we knew asexuality was a sexual orientation – we always just figured we were regular sexual people who were broken when it came to the wanting partnered sex part) but neither of us ever enjoyed sex, never felt it was necessary in our relationships, felt we had to give it to please our partners, but always secretly hoped to meet someone who we could love romantically forever with no need for sex involved in our relationship, ever. Then we learned about asexuality (after both having been single for quite a while, 3 years in my case, having completely given up on romance due to the “I don’t want sex ever” thing) and found each other online.
Asexuality is not the joke a lot of people make it out to be. We are both adults (I’m 26, he’s 21) we love each other deeply, find each other aesthetically attractive etc, we *love* intimate activities like snuggling, bathing/showering together etc, we just have no interest in or enjoyment of partnered sex, ever.